Life as a Female Pastor

What’s in a Name? - a sermon on the error of Christian exclusivity

2011-10-19T10:37:00.000-04:00

What’s in a Name? - a sermon on the error of Christian exclusivity

I dug this out to post in reflective response to last Sunday's guest speaker at Good Shepherd. It was the gentle and well-spoken Carol McMullen from Temple Shalom. One question she raised was how we address our various exclusive texts when it comes to interfaith dialogue. I could write it better now I think, but I let it stand as is.

What’s in a Name?
Alison Longstaff
May 3rd, 2009
Church of the Good Shepherd
Mark 9: 33 -40, John 10: 11 - 18

Our notion of God is deeply personal. It starts forming when we are very little and resides in a deep place within our hearts. This inner concept of God is very sacred ground. To mess with it in another person without their consent can be to commit spiritual violation. This explains why we find religious recruiters so distasteful. This can also explain why we might feel hesitant to talk about our own beliefs with others.
Today, I plan to push the boundaries of our God-image a little bit. This is intended to be a kind of spiritual massage-therapy or yoga. It is intended to soften and loosen what can be tightly held spiritual muscles, and it may feel a little uncomfortable. Just breathe. I promise to be gentle.
In the summer of 2001 I was up in Owen Sound, Ontario researching first nations’ spirituality. I was granted permission to sit with one of the tribal elders. I was delighted and honoured. I took a seat next to a lady with glasses and short curly grey hair, who was wearing a typical baggy “old lady” polyester dress. Somehow I had expected braids and buckskin. In any case, I said I was there to ask her about her spiritual beliefs. She asked me earnestly if had been saved by Jesus.

I was heart-sick. This was a tribal elder. It turns out that I knew more about her traditional tribal beliefs than she did. European colonialism did this. “Christian” colonialism, with its arrogant assumption that its religious beliefs trump those of all others, especially those of “savages,” had systematically dismantled, disbanded, and exiled her culture. Many tribal traditions and languages in North America are lost forever. Many more teeter on the brink of extinction, and are requiring deliberate governmental and tribal interventions to try to recover and restore what bits and pieces of what is left that they can.
Whatever gave Christians such arrogance? History will tell us that the earliest Christians sought simply to survive, and to spread the good news, which was to tell the story of Jesus, and invite people to live a life of social justice and mutual service. But somewhere along the way, in fact, once Christianity became the dominant religion, Christians—we—switched from a mindset of service to an attitude of entitlement. From there it was an easy step into certainty of our religious superiority. We stopped being about living love, and started being about being right. We started believing that forcing people to agree with us, and become like us, was our Christian obligation.
Religious arrogance can do so much damage. Now, now we know how sacred and precious aboriginal spirituality is. We Christians nearly obliterated it in our arrogance.
And it was that shift from heart to head, from love to ideology, from humble service to “possessing the right truth” that was the key to our arrogance. It was this shift from love to “truth” that was so profoundly destructive of the health and well-being of the spiritual communities Christianity invaded. It was truth without humility, truth without respect for God in the other, which isn’t truth at all. Because truth, when separated from love, becomes false. It has no internal integrity. It loses its connection to the Source of all. History has shown that any denomination that assumes it has a duty to impose its “superior” God-view on the cultures it encounters leaves spiritual violation in its wake. Current events continue to tell the tale of the violence justified by religious attitudes that claim exclusive access to “Truth,” ultimate superiority, and the right to exterminate alternate spiritual views. Such attitudes are only and ever destructive and divisive of the very things that bind us together.
Now, I’m going to ask you to go inside yourself. Think, (and feel if possible) about times you have felt religiously arrogant, or ideologically arrogant, or simply powerfully self righteous.
Go inside and ask yourself, “What attitudes and emotions underlie those feelings of arrogance and certainty?
Let’s sit with that a bit.
As for me, I can say it feels really good to be sure I am right. It creates in me an uprising energy that longs to spread itself. I can feel excited and empowered, and I long to go on a crusade to fix someone else with my great insights. Fixing someone else feels good! When I’m fixing someone else the attention isn’t on me and what I may have done wrong, but on the other, and how I might correct what they are doing wrong, or even simply how they are thinking wrong. I have actually found myself urgently wanting to fix someone else’s idea of the trinity (because it was “wrong”), when, as to quality of life, that other was busy serving the neighbour humbly and kindly. And I? I couldn’t step over the bodies fast enough to go correct the Good Samaritan’s ideology. (---metaphorically speaking. I don’t think I’ve ever actually stepped over a body in order to correct someone….)
But I’m sure you see the problem. Whenever you or I are on a mission to fix someone else, we have lost our way. Twelve steppers call it, “Taking someone else’s inventory” when we are cataloguing our neighbours’ faults and not our own. Our job is to work on our own regeneration, not someone else’s. That can be one of the hardest, hardest things for us to learn. It can feel much more fun and interesting to take stock of how someone else should change. It’s not nearly as fun, (not fun at all?) to take stock of how I should change.
But when you or I are focused on someone else’s foibles, we have left no room for respect. No room for reverence of the sacred spiritual ground in the other. Each person’s spirituality, no matter how different from yours or mine, is sacred ground. Sacred ground! And there is no humility when we are on a mission to fix someone else. There is no awareness that we all live in glass houses. We all have a massive rafter in our eye and have no business correcting someone else, especially when they haven’t asked for help. Christians aren’t the only ones on a mission to fix the whole world, but we certainly are high in the running.
It is this righteous arrogance that has given religion a bad name. But the thing is, religion isn’t the problem. Having a spiritual, God-centered paradigm isn’t the problem. Arrogance is the problem. Certainty, entitlement, and the desire to dominate are the problems.
Having said all that, what do we do with the very common, very strong teachings that only through belief in Jesus Christ can a person be saved, and that Christians are to go and teach this throughout the whole world?

I have titled this talk “what’s in a Name?” for a reason. I have especially tried to avoid too much “God-He” talk in this service and in our hymns today precisely so as to offer a little spiritual yoga for our minds. Let’s stretch our God-concept a little.

Ask yourself, what if God is more than “Jesus”?

It is easy to get stuck on what name to call the God of Love, and what face to give—Him? (Her?) (You or I might like to reassure ourselves that our pronoun is the rightest one, but “rightest” doesn’t apply to an all-inclusive God.) The bible tells us that God made all people, all humans, in the image of God. That includes all colours and genders. Swedenborg, if we want to believe him, tells us that God made all the religions too---ALL of them, each one uniquely suited to the people and region in which it is found. And each one provides a path to “salvation” which means a path to true humanity, true humanity—which is to become a person full of wisdom and kindness. Each religion in its original form and at its heart has this intention. But over time, people, you and I, clutter religion up with rules and exclusions, until the religion, which is supposed to be a path to God, becomes a stumbling block.

In our Scripture reading from Mark we find the disciples arguing about who would be God’s favourite. That’s us. That’s you and me. That’s the human race fighting over which religion is better, which perspective is better. They are walking with Jesus right there with them and they are wasting time bickering over who is the best.

Isn’t that just like us? Jesus, to wake them up, turned reality on its head. He proposed that the one who would be greatest was one who wanted to be the servant of all.

I’m guessing this statement was a real stumper for the disciples. Be the servant? Be the lowest? Human arrogance never wants to hear that!

It is never, never about the pecking order. It is never about status, or right skin colour, or right family name, or right sexual orientation, or right religious club. It is about what is in our hearts.

In this church, we are Swedenborgians. We always look inside a thing. We are about the spirit, the essence, the inner quality, not the external shape or size or colour. The spirit of God. The spirit of love and goodwill—this is our salvation.
Swedenborg tells us that every name in the bible represents a spiritual quality. The name of Jesus Christ, means the quality of great love—great love and great wisdom in service in the world. Every religion that is true has some version of this at its heart.

Whenever we remember that it is about compassion, not rules, Jesus is Lord. Whenever we refuse to dominate or control our neighbour, Jesus is Lord. When we focus on how to be of service, not how to be the best, we are acting in the name of Jesus Christ, in the spiritual quality of love and wisdom in service.

What kills “Jesus” or a life of loving, humble service is this very competing over whose God is best—whose God will rule—be we Catholic, Protestant, Swedenborgian, some other Christian or a non-Christian spirituality. In this sense then, any religion that supports people in becoming more enlightened, compassionate, and useful is a religion with “Jesus Christ” at its heart regardless of what name they give God. If the spiritual value that is love and wisdom is at the centre of any spiritual path, “Jesus Christ” by another name is at the centre, period. Let’s stop fretting about names and faces and different rituals. Let us look to the heart and the life of any given spirituality, for that is where we will find “Jesus” or their “way of love.” That is where we will find the Holy Spirit in a slightly different skin colour or garment, but the Holy Spirit, nonetheless.

"Teacher," said John, "we saw a man driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us." "Do not stop him," Jesus said, “for whoever is not against us is for us.”

“The Ancient Church, which was spread throughout many kingdoms of the earth, was of such a character that, though doctrinal teachings and religious practices differed, there was nevertheless one spiritual community. This is because respect and kindness were the essential things. At that time one could say the Lord's kingdom did exist on earth as it did in heaven, for such is the character of heaven. If the same situation existed now all would be governed by Love as though they were one person; for they would be like the members and organs of one body which, though dissimilar in form and function, still depended on one heart. Everyone would then say of another, No matter what form their doctrine and external worship take, this is my neighbour; I observe that he or she worships the God of Love and lives a good life.” Emanuel Swedenborg Heavenly Secrets (paragraph #2385:5)

There is but one fold and one Shepherd. Can we stop arguing about who is best and just serve each other? Amen

“Transforming Fear into Joy”

2010-12-12T17:44:00.003-05:00

“Transforming Fear into Joy”

Isaiah 35: 1-10 and Luke 1: 26-33, 46-53
Rev. Alison Longstaff
Church of the Good Shepherd, Dec 12, 2010

Today my talk is about the transformation of fear into joy. Mary’s song, also known as “the Magnificat,” is the perfect text for this topic. Set in the Gospel of Luke, which is all about turning the tables on injustice, the Magnificat sings of hope for the future and joy in the promise that all that is wrong in the world will be set right.

I have to say, at the end of a very tough personal year, transforming anything dark into something joyful is a topic near to my heart. And regardless of the pattern of any of our personal lives, we all currently live in dark and uncertain times. The global recession is highlighting the already too wide gap between the richest and the poorest among us. Our leaders seem to be making repeated poor choices, and the good seem to have their hands tied. Wars and oppression, human cruelty and greed seem to continue unabated despite all our supposed human enlightenment and “progress.”

So how does one celebrate the advent of “Joy” in such bleak times?

We must remember that Mary sung the Magnificat into her own dark time. While today most Christians worldwide believe she was carrying God incarnate in her belly as she sang, to all worldly eyes in her time, she just was illegitimately pregnant, and was only alive thanks to Joseph’s forgiveness. Mary had just escaped a possible stoning to death, and yet she sings into this uncertainty the joy and peace of being in God’s loving care. She sings with hope of God’s power to set everything right in the world, no matter how things looked.

Wow. How many of us, in a parallel situation to Mary’s could display such faith and peace? As for me, to quote the parable of The Little Red Hen, “‘Not I,’ said the pig.” (Though I suppose if an angel actually appeared directly to me and told me the God of all creation wanted me personally to know that everything would be okay, it might be easier.)

But since most of us will need to get by this year without the personal reassurance of a heavenly being, how do we face our own dark times, and transform that bleakness into a time of joy? How do we celebrate the advent of Joy if we are struggling with darkness?

Let us look more closely at today’s text. Right away, I am struck by some of the angel’s first words to Mary. Do you remember what they are? After he says, “Rejoice! You are blessed!” he says, “Do not be afraid, Mary.” He calls her by name, and reassures her that there is no reason to be afraid.

Pay attention here. This is not just a reassuring word to Mary in that moment, this is a reminder to each of us that God knows us intimately, and cares deeply about every detail of our lives. God calls each of us by name. The angel tells Mary that she is favoured by God, and need not fear. Each one of us is equally favoured by God. Equally. No lie. In this confidence, we can sing bravely into our dark times, right?

Now I can tell you, in the days and hours of my life when things are going really wrong, I do not at all feel favoured by God. The very strong feeling indeed is that I am decidedly UNfavoured by God. My son has heard me more than once over the past year announce in frustration, “The universe HATES me!” When things go terribly wrong, we can feel not only forgotten by God, but almost as if some dark force has a particular vendetta against us. “Is there a target on my back?!” you might cry in dismay. When things are going really wrong, how easy is it, honestly, to feel blessed by God? When bad news upon bad news strikes our story, many of us experience instead a feeling of our profound vulnerability in the face of a cold and uncaring reality. It is during these times when we are most susceptible to fear and despair. And it is during these times that we must push all the harder to “Fear not.” In these times, believing in God’s benevolence and loving care has to become a choice.

Yes, we can choose not to fear. What does choosing not to fear look like? Choosing not to fear happens when we choose to focus on where we are headed and where our hope lies, rather than to look down and around at all that is going wrong. It sounds as if the angel tells Mary not to feel fear, but that is not what he is saying. The angel is reminding all of us that fear doesn’t have to dominate our consciousness.

This interpretation puts a spin on “Fear Not” that I hadn’t previously considered. It doesn’t mean “don’t experience the emotions associated with setbacks and misfortune.” It means, “don’t let fear drag your focus into all that has and can still go wrong; keep focused on God and the good outcome that is the goal.” Or, “Keep your eyes on the prize.” To quote Mark Twain, “Courage is resistance to fear - the mastery of fear - not the absence of fear.” Or to quote Dr. Robert Anthony, “Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway.”

Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway. Simple! Well it is, and it isn’t simple. Like any good spiritual discipline, this takes practice. Acknowledging the fear and taking conscious positive action anyway takes practice. Every true spiritual path involves the practice of some sort of discipline. Mastering our fears – that is, acting bravely despite their presence - takes discipline and practice too. That is true courage. It is not easy. But it is utterly worth it. It means the difference between being frozen with fear or able to keep going. It means the difference between being crushed by despair or moving forward. It means the difference between hiding in our comfort zone or risking a little in the name of love.

This reminds me of when I was learning to drive. I recall wobbling my way nervously down the road, obsessively aware of the ditches on either side. Then my instructor gave me a tip. “Look up to where you are headed, and aim there. Then staying straight on the road will take care of itself.” Well I tell you, my aim straightened right out and my course became straight and true with that advice. I just needed to lift up my eyes. The same principle applied when I was learning to walk a balance beam. When I worried about falling step by step I wobbled much more than when I looked to the end of the beam and headed there.

So can we do this in our faith walk too? Of course we can. What happens when we are able to choose to keep looking ahead and not down spiritually? Mary’s first response was wonder. From fear and insecurity she moves into a place of being able to watch the miracle at work. She becomes able to appreciate the details of what was actually happening in her life by not focusing on what bad things could happen. Curiosity emerges when fear is prevented from dominating. Suffering becomes wonder.

It is a Swedenborgian principle that removing the negative makes room for the good. It isn’t so much that we choose to “be good.” Instead, we must choose to remove those things that block the good from flowing in.

And so it is true with “fearing not.” When we can shift our focus away from the darkness, we are choosing to focus on the light. This makes is much harder for the fear to drain our resources, and creates space in our consciousness for curiosity, wonder, and hope.

Fear transforms into wonder. Wonder opens our hearts to hope. And hope is the antidote to despair. It is the positive spiral that continually strengthens us, opposing the downward cycle of fear and despair that can reduce all we hope in to ashes.

This conscious focusing on the positive goal is a way we remove the things that stand between us and trust in God. When we can choose for positive focus and not fear, even in the face of darkness, we are choosing for joy.

Christmas is a time of contrasts. Sadness, loss, and loneliness can seem even more painful when all around us is supposed to be merry and bright. But if there is one thing I have learned from walking a long time in the cold it is this, that when the warmth comes, it will be that much more appreciated, treasured, and rich.

David said, "What time I am afraid, I will…trust…in You" (Psalm 56:3). We need never fear, because God IS in charge and all WILL be well. We will fear, we will struggle, because we are mortal, but we have options in the face of fear. Try not to look down. Focus on your goals and on God’s promise of a happy ending. Turn the tables on fear and darkness and choose for joy. Block out the negative thoughts and sing into the storm, and hope and joy will become your steady companions.

I would like to close with a poem by American poet, Maury Merkin.

Sing!
If not forever, through the night;
If not together then alone;
If not in tune then with a hearty sound
But sing.

Or hum.
If all the words can't be recalled,
Syllables will do;
Or pluck upon an instrument.
The meter matters too.
Enliven it with pulse
And hum.

Then dance
If you can find it in your heart to.
Use a step you've used before
Or learn a new one.
More's the better.
Abandon comes in handy,
Prance!
It's Life Time.

“Why have you deceived me?” - When God Lets Us Down

2010-08-03T14:24:00.004-04:00

“Why have you deceived me?” - When God Lets Us Down
Rev. Alison Longstaff, Aug 1, 2010
Church of the Good Shepherd
Genesis 29:14-30, and Luke 11: 5-13

‘So Jacob said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn't I? Why have you deceived me?"’
Who can hear the story of Jacob and Rachel and not feel indignant on Jacob’s behalf? Jacob worked seven years for Rachel, the beautiful woman whom he loved, and yet the morning after the wedding, he discovers that it is Rachel’s older, less attractive sister Leah in his marriage bed and not Rachel.
(Okay, let’s not get into how Rachel felt about this arrangement, or the little cultural detail of women being property that can be promised, earned, swapped, and/or given away. Or how Jacob didn’t even notice the little switcheroo until the next morning---how drunk was he? Let alone how Leah felt about the whole thing! Stinks to be Leah! BUT, setting aside all that, and identifying with Jacob as we are intended to do-)
Who can hear this and not feel indignant on behalf of Jacob?
Jacob did everything he was supposed to do, and yet didn’t get the reward promised to him. It was a bait and switch. Yes, he got Rachel in the end, but this whole story just leaves a bad taste in the mouth. Why is it in the Bible? What lesson are we supposed to learn from this story?

Are we to learn that we can do everything right and still not have our prayers answered? Are we to believe that God is fickle and arbitrary and we are simply at the Divine whim and mercy? That God can pull a bait and switch on us, and there’s nothing we can do?

No. That is not what we are to learn. This story is about persistence in the spiritual journey. This story is about shooting for a goal and falling short, and carrying on until we hit the mark. This story is about God’s mercy and loving kindness in not granting us something we desire until we, not God, are absolutely ready for it.

Take a look at the law of Divine Providence as printed on the cover of your bulletin…. (§221)
“The means by which a person is led by the Lord are what are called the laws of the Divine Providence; and among these is this, that a person is admitted interiorly into the truths of wisdom and into the goods of love only so far as he or she can be kept in them right on to the end of life.”

Note: it says a person is granted these good things “only so far as he or she can be kept in them right on to the end of life.” That means that God won’t allow us to achieve any spiritual milestone or earn any spiritual truth or goodness until we can hold on to it without backsliding---until we are spiritually mature enough to value it and maintain it from that moment on to eternity. That is a key thing to remember when studying our text for today. In the spiritual sense of the Bible, this story is about how God does grant us our dream come true, in its right time, and what that process looks like.

The Bible is always about the spiritual journey---yours, mine, and that of the whole human race. So though the stories are cloaked in physical/natural images and sometimes include some unpleasant content, the inner story is always about spiritual and eternal values and point to our greatest happiness.

The story of Jacob, Leah, and Rachel, among other things, highlights the value of our own persistence, and the necessity of absolute trust in the Lord’s leading. We don’t know when we are spiritually ready for something, no matter how we may feel personally, and it is a kindness, not an insult that God allows us to achieve new spiritual states only when we are completely ready.

God’s perspective always includes details that we cannot see. God ALWAYS says yes to every prayer when it is regarding our own or anyone else’s spiritual well-being. We often cannot see how God has said yes to our prayer until much later. And in the mean time, it often looks like God has said “no” and even sometimes puts massive setbacks in our path as well.

Since things can and do go wrong from our perspective, we sometimes find ourselves looking at God, as Jacob looked at Laban, and saying, ‘“What is this you have done to me?”’

Let me tell you a true story. A few years ago, a freaky thing happened. On the very same day, a whole bunch of people from the same work place were all late getting to work because of different, random set-backs.

One person was late because her alarm clock didn't go off. Another was late because of being stuck in a traffic jam behind a big car accident. One missed the bus. One spilled food on her clothes and had to go back and change them. Another one's car wouldn't start. Still another one couldn't get a taxi. One put on a brand new pair of shoes and walked only to develop a blister and have to stop at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. They were all much later to work than usual due to annoying little details and set-backs.

Each one of them is alive today because of those precise annoying little details and set-backs. It was simply not their day to die. You see, that day was September 11, 2001.

(I must interject here that the people who did die on 9/11 did not deserve to die more than the ones who were spared, nor were they less loved and cared for by God than the people who escaped. It was simply that God knew who could die at that point and who really needed to stick around on this plane a bit longer. It is from our perspective, not God’s that the ones who died had a worse day. God was caring equally for everyone.)

However, my point is this, that no matter how things may look, God does indeed have a plan for our well-being and not for our harm at every moment of every day. Period.

So let’s look at the Jacob story a little more closely.

Swedenborg takes the Jacob and Laban story sentence by sentence, and sometimes word by word explaining the internal meaning in his book Arcana Caelestia (or Secrets of Heaven). Just this one story goes on for pages and PAGES! Today I will give us all a very condensed summary, in as plain speech as I am able. Swedenborg’s abstract way of talking can be pretty heady, but I’ll do my best. So…..

“Laban” is the part of us that parents our various levels of spiritual love. 'And Leah's eyes were weak' means that our first capacity to see and respond to the Lord’s truth is relatively short-sighted. It is not a very beautiful form of spirituality, but it is a necessary step in our journey and cannot be bypassed. 'And Rachel was beautiful in form and beautiful in appearance' means that the level of spirituality where we have a deep love for the Lord and therefore a much deeper understanding of life and truth is a much more desirable spirituality. Rachel is where we all want to end up. She is beautiful for good reason.

However, our first understanding of truth and what living a truly good life means is fairly shallow. It tends to be simplistic and more about rules. That’s Leah. Leah comes first because that is what we do first as spiritual beings---we can’t help it. Beginner violinists sound like beginner violinists and every one of us starts out spiritual life relatively short-sighted and spiritually dense. However, every aspect of what we learn in our “Leah” state of spirituality provides an essential foundation upon which God can build in us the more beautiful and mature “Rachel” spirituality. It is Rachel that we long for, and Rachel that God intends us to have.

There are so many great gems of wisdom in this story. I am skipping over so much so that we can get out of here before noon, but I want you to know how much there is I’m not even telling you! For example Swedenborg has a whole section on the difference between Leah and Rachel as they manifest in our lives, basically illustrating the difference between a ‘spiritual life” as guided by poor judgment vs. one guided by a much deeper wisdom and understanding.

Then there is a very beautiful section about the love Jacob has for Rachel. This is the strong desire God implants in each of us to seek an ever more wise understanding of life and God because of the tremendous comfort and beauty it brings to our lives.

Then we come to the discussion of finding Leah in the marriage bed instead of Rachel. Here Swedenborg tells us that to the extent that we continue to be attached to and care about materialistic and earth-bound values, to that extent the Lord will not allow us to attach to deeper, spiritual values, even though we want to. This is not a judgment on us but a protection. We don’t allow small children to play with the fine art and breakables, nor access to the sharp knives, etc. because they are not mature enough to use them properly. They could do great harm out of ignorance and clumsiness. It is the same with God and us and the great spiritual treasures that God so desperately wishes us to have. God is wise enough to keep us and them safely apart until we are ready.

And so periodically we, too, wake up to ourselves and realize that we are nowhere near where we wish we were spiritually. This is a deeply disappointing discovery and is represented by Jacob’s indignation.

So we come to the key lines that inspired me to dig into this subject matter: 'And he said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? And why have you cheated me?”'

This whole story seemed so unfair that I had to know what was going on in the internal sense. It fascinated me to realize that the angels also feel similar feelings when they hear this story, though they understand it on a much deeper level.

“There are two parts to the internal sense of the Word - affections and subject-matter. The affections lying within expressions of the Word are not visible to humans but are hidden away deep within. Nor can they be visible since a person during life on the earth is governed by earthly and bodily concerns, which have nothing in common with the affections present in the internal sense of the Word. That sense contains a flow of feelings which belong to spiritual and celestial (the highest spiritual) love, feelings which people are scarcely able to imagine because they are so rare on earth. These affections that belong to celestial and spiritual love manifest themselves in lovingkindness towards the neighbour and in love to God. These are the affections, in great variety which have been stored away in the internal sense of the Word, residing not only in every sentence but also in every expression, indeed in every detail. And they reveal themselves to angels when the Word is read by humans from a state of simple goodness and innocence.” AC 3841

When we read the Word, the angels read it too, but hear it on an entirely different level. Perhaps that is why we can feel so comforted by it, even when we don’t understand it. The angels who are with us when we read the Word do understand and are filled with delight, for the spiritual meaning is always full of hope and promise. We may not understand it, but simply reading the Word still does a great deal of good.

Even reading stories as strange as this one.

So now when we read that Laban said, It is not done that way in our place,' can you hear it differently? Can you understand the meaning in a whole new way? This isn’t about an ancient custom of not allowing a younger sister to be married before an older one, nor is it sanctioning polygamy, nor is it sanctioning betrayal and trickery. In the inner meaning it is simply saying, “in the spiritual journey, you must pass through all the preparatory stages of spiritual growth before you achieve the highest and most blessed spiritual states.”

Well that seems fair and sensible.

In the natural story it is neither fair nor sensible, especially to our modern ears. But the inner meaning is telling an entirely other tale. It is the tale of God’s so very wise and careful leading of us and our preparation for heaven.

So Laban commands Jacob, 'Complete this week' which mean God is urging us to continue in our diligent pursuit of a truly spiritual and heavenly life. When we wake up to our failings, God encourages us not to give up.

This is where I must mention our quirky New Testament parable. It is a parable that basically says, “if you are irritating enough, God will answer your prayers.” A man has come late at night and is bothering his friend for help, knocking and knocking on the door until the homeowner gets up. Picture the homeowner opening his upstairs window and yelling at the man to go away in not so very gentle language. But the man just keeps bugging the homeowner until he gets what he needs. The quote from Luke is this: (11: 8) “yet because of the man's boldness he [the homeowner] will get up and give him as much as he needs.” The word “boldness” in the Greek is “Anaideia” which could also be translated persistence, shamelessness, or impudence. Essentially the quote says, “yet because of the man's impudence, persistence, and shamelessness he will get up and give him as much as he needs.”

What a funny parable! It implies that God is overwhelmingly busy and tired, and if we want to get our needs met, we must make pests of ourselves! What this text is really about is the necessity of our own persistence in the spiritual quest. WE are served by our own persistence. Our diligent labour towards something we desire teaches us on a cellular level how valuable is the goal. The harder won any prize is the more cherished it will be, yes? God knows this and uses for our own benefit too. And so, despite disappointments, we must persist.

'And he gave him Rachel his daughter for his wife' means the joining of the goodness achieved up to that point with the affection for deep, inner truth.

“The reason these shallow affections are means that serve in the joining of truth to good is that no matter of doctrine, nor indeed any item of knowledge, can enter anyone except by means of love or affections. For affections hold life within themselves, but truths which belong to doctrine and knowledge cannot hold any life within themselves apart from those affections.” Haven’t we all experienced this? We simply cannot learn or retain any knowledge unless there is some motivation or passion driving us to learn. So God makes sure that these deep inner truths will be joined up with good affections, and that takes time.

Genuine deep affections do arrive in the process of time, but not until a person is ready.

'And he came [in] also to Rachel' means finally we come into a genuine affection for deep inner truth. 'And he loved Rachel also, more than Leah' means we love that deep inner truth much more than the shallow, more external truth. And we are told, this love for genuine, inner truth is “holiness itself.”

What I’d like to leave you with is this: God never lets us down. Life throws a lot of stuff at us that looks pretty rotten, but God has a bigger picture in mind that involves bringing us to a place of being fully ready for our own intoxicatingly beautiful “Rachel” spirituality in our right time and place. God asks us only to persist, and reminds us that there are no short-cuts, no matter how impatient we may be.

Remember that story about the people whose lives were spared on 9/11 due to little set-backs? It closes with this reminder: “The next time your morning seems to be going wrong, you can't seem to find the car keys, and you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated; it may be just that God is at work watching over you. May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose.”

I would add to that the reminder that God’s plan is always bigger than we think. That God has plans for a future more beautiful than we dare dream, and all we need to do is persist in the journey and insist on God’s help. Life does let us down sometimes. People and circumstances can seem to be radically unfair sometimes. So trust in God’s plan, for God will never let you down. Amen.

What is the Bible For?

2010-07-05T18:56:00.002-04:00

What is the Bible For?

Rev. Alison Longstaff, July 4th, 2010
Church of the Good Shepherd
Adapted from a paper for Inese Radzins, STHS-3780.SP09, TCR
Written May 21, 2009, adapted July1, 2010
Psalm 30; John 1: 1-5; TCR 235

I’m guessing that not a few of us have wished in exasperation that the Bible wasn’t quite so odd and archaic. It can be very hard to explain to the unchurched what (if any) value it has, let alone what value there might be in spending precious time reading it. Especially in this scientific day and age, when the mystical side of life is routinely dismissed and devalued, it can be hard to explain what value lies in the Bible at all.
What is the Bible for? We can say it is God’s Word. We can say it is God’s travel guide for this paradoxical life, but do we really know how and in what way the Bible serves its purpose, more than providing a basis for weekly morality lessons? In Swedenborgian circles, we believe it has an internal meaning, but does that really change how much time the average person spends reading it? What, exactly, is the Bible for?
The Bible, the Word of God, the Sacred Scriptures---these are some of the names of this ancient collection of stories which have been cobbled together and edited and re-edited over the centuries. Even Christians can’t agree what books really belong in the Bible nor into what order they should be sorted. All Christians will agree that this thing that we call the Bible is sacred. However, how we hold it as sacred is another problem altogether. Increasingly, Christians today seem to be going one of two ways with this holy collection of books---either we view the written words as entirely infallibly literally true, or we supposedly “pick and choose”: ignoring the boring, distasteful, and puzzling parts while digging deep into the rich old stories and parables.
Since this congregation and denomination do not fall into the literalist camp, we tend toward the second option. Truth be told, I believe we have found a third way, but more on that some other day. Regardless, whole chunks of the Bible are almost never read by anyone anymore, except by the most devout readers or advanced Biblical scholars.
Looking at some of these ignored sections, it is small wonder!
Genesis 5: 18-24 And Jared lived an hundred sixty and two years, and he begat Enoch: And Jared lived after he begat Enoch eight hundred years, and begat sons and daughters: And all the days of Jared were nine hundred sixty and two years: and he died. And Enoch lived sixty and five years, and begat Methuselah: And Enoch walked with God after he begat Methuselah three hundred years, and begat sons and daughters: And all the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty and five years: And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.

Cue the crickets.
But the thing is, this is great stuff! How do I know? Well ... experience.
Okay. Think of someone you know and love well, someone whose outward appearance isn’t up to Hollywood’s standards, but whose inner character delights you. Let’s call this person “Cory” since that could be male or female. When you speak of Cory, you might say, “Oh, he’s awesome!” or “I love her. She’s so great!” Because of this, a friend meeting Cory for the first time might expect to meet someone with greatness tattooed on the forehead. Instead, surprised to find Cory ordinary or even eccentric in appearance might make them wonder what you were so excited about.
Or perhaps you yourself, after hearing glowing reports about some great person (we’ll call this person “Pat”) feel mystified by Pat’s unremarkable or even odd outward appearance. “This is Pat?” you might say inside yourself. “THE “Pat?” Really?”
Hasn’t this happened to you? The reality is that all of us, until we know the insides of a person, tend to judge by the outsides. First impressions are rarely the same as last impressions. But once we do know a person’s insides, we tend to forget the outsides, instead seeing their whole selves through the eyes of love.
So believe me, the same way that we can learn to love a human friend who comes in unusual physical packaging, we can learn to love the Word. The Sacred Scripture, much of it written over 2000 years ago, does indeed come in strange packaging. But to love it, we must get past appearances. We must get to know the magical, life-giving soul within its unusual packaging. How do we do this? The same way we do with any new friend. We spend time with it and we learn about it. So, meet the Bible:
Leviticus 14:34-40 When ye be come into the land of Canaan, which I give to you for a possession, and I put the plague of leprosy in a house of the land of your possession; And he that owneth the house shall come and tell the priest, saying, “It seemeth to me there is as it were a plague in the house:” Then the priest shall command that they empty the house, before the priest go into it to see the plague, that all that is in the house be not made unclean : and afterward the priest shall go in to see the house: And he shall look on the plague, and, behold, if the plague be in the walls of the house with hollow strakes, greenish or reddish, which in sight are lower than the wall; Then the priest shall go out of the house to the door of the house, and shut up the house seven days: And the priest shall come again the seventh day, and shall look : and, behold, if the plague be spread in the walls of the house; Then the priest shall command that they take away the stones in which the plague is, and they shall cast them into an unclean place without the city:

Yup. Laws about leprosy in a house. Try preaching a sermon on that! (Actually, Swedenborgians have all sorts of resources that allow us to preach a fascinating sermon on that. Hint: it is about healthy and unhealthy structural elements in a person’s belief system, and about how to determine if the crumbling and weakening is simply evidence of surface problems that can be renovated or a sign that the whole house---attitude, outlook, interpretation---is unstable and unfit and needs to come down. Cool, eh?)
But back to my point, it takes practice and education to learn to see through the strangeness in the Bible, but it is well worth the time it may take!
Now, tell the truth, how many of you have a habit of reading the Bible (almost) every day?
How many have ever read the entire thing, cover to cover?
If you do or have done either of these, pat yourself on the back! You have done a good thing, according to Swedenborg. If you haven’t, don’t worry yourself, you are in good company. We all have many things we are dealing with, and most of us have not realised just what encountering these sacred texts, either through listening to or reading them ourselves, can actually do for our souls. But not just for our own souls, when anyone reads the Sacred Scriptures, whether they know the internal sense or not, they contribute to the well-being of all of heaven. I repeat, when anyone reads any part of the Sacred Scriptures, whether they know the internal meaning or not, they contribute to the well-being of all of heaven.
So says Swedenborg, anyway:
I have been allowed to perceive that when I read the Word in its earthly meaning, communication is established with the heavens, at one time with one community, at another time with another. The words which I understand in their earthly meaning are understood by the spiritual angels in their spiritual meaning and by the celestial (highest) angels in their celestial meaning, and this instantaneously. I have observed and felt this communication some thousands of times. These direct experiences have shown me that the Word in its earthly meaning provides a marvelous way of being closer to the Lord and connected with the angels in heaven. True Christianity §235
It’s as simple as that. Simply reading the Word connects our spirits with heaven and invites the Lord to come closer. Memorizing parts or verses can actually give us spiritual touchstones or amulets of comfort which we can pull out of our memories and recite to ourselves in the midst of hard times. And if we are so lucky as to have time to really learn some of the correspondences in the Word in detail, we can begin to unearth revelations upon revelations of meaning. It’s really cool! Light shines even onto the dark and mystical stories of the Apocalypse, transforming those threatening tales into a love story of tremendous beauty. Even in the Apocalypse, behind the dire prophecies, we find the story of the Lord as the Lover and Bridegroom, and each one of us as the beloved or bride. God woos us, and we respond. God, like a prince or knight in an ancient fairy tale comes to rescue us, from monsters, beasts, and seven-headed dragons. The process of getting to our happy ending---which is heaven, which is a state of true happiness based on true personal integrity and loving-kindness---can feel pretty dire and hopeless sometimes. This is represented in the book of Revelation by all the frightening drama and prophecies of doom. But it is the story of how human life tends to go, not how it will go at some time in the future. We are already living through these dramatic events in our personal lives. This is God’s word of comfort saying, “I see that it will sometimes feel like the sky is falling, but you will be okay. I know that it will sometimes look like your every hope for the future is going to be devoured by dark circumstances beyond your control, but fear not! There is no reality or power outside of my love; and all of the drama will be transformed into peace, welcome, safety, and home. Just hang in there. Trust me.”
I need to wrap this up. There is so much more to say! But I close today’s message by saying again: Swedenborg tells us that whether we understand correspondences or not, simply reading the Sacred Scriptures for ourselves or listening to someone else read them feeds our souls. It provides a connection with God, and nourishes the angels in heaven. Even if we are reading a long list of who begat who, or a list of building materials in cubits, or what to do with a stray ox on the Sabbath, every word---every verb, every noun---contains deep spiritual gems that nourish the angels and connect us all with God. We don’t have to know what vitamins and minerals are in each bite of food for it to be able to nourish our bodies, and Swedenborg is telling us that we don’t have to understand the spiritual sense of the Word for it to be feeding our spirits.
If you aren’t in the habit, consider starting a small practice of tossing a crumb or two to the angels each day. Each verse is associated with a different society in heaven, so even if you spend time with only one verse, the connection is happening and joy is being communicated.
In some magical way, the Bible is the very presence of God with us. It is a lifeline of communication with all the spirits of heaven. Yet it is cloaked in a mystical, magical packaging of ancient stories, so humble and plain as to appear to the uneducated eye as uninteresting as a common stable. The stories can be appealing, like the sweet smell of hay, as warm as the collective heat of stable animals, or as off-putting and distasteful as the by-products of those animals. All the while it is the Word of God and God with us. How paradoxical.
Come, spend more time in that stable, it is where God is born in you.
I promise you, if you take the time to really get to know this remarkable book, you will find your life transforming and healing in subtle, remarkable ways.
So, what is the Bible for? Why don’t you tell me in a few months? I’d like to hear how it goes.

Psalm 30
1 I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up, and did not let my foes rejoice over me. 2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. 3 O Lord, you brought up my soul from Sheol, restored me to life from among those gone down to the Pit. 4 Sing praises to the Lord, O you his faithful ones, and give thanks to his holy name. 5 For his anger is but for a moment; his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning. 6 As for me, I said in my prosperity, "I shall never be moved." 7 By your favor, O Lord, you had established me as a strong mountain; you hid your face; I was dismayed. 8 To you, O Lord, I cried, and to the Lord I made supplication: 9 "What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the Pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness? 10 Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me! O Lord, be my helper!" 11 You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, 12 so that my soul may praise you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.
John 1:1-5
1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. 4 In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. 5 And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.

True Christianity §235 "I have been allowed to perceive that when I read the Word in its earthly meaning, communication with the heavens is established, at one time with one community there, at another time with another. The words which I understand in their earthly sense are understood by the spiritual angels in their spiritual sense, and by the celestial angels in their celestial sense, and this too upon the instant. Since I have perceived this communication some thousands of times, I have no doubt left concerning it. These direct experiences have enabled me to know that the Word in its earthly meaning provides a Divine means of being connected with the Lord and associated with the angels in heaven."

Mother's Day Sermon 2010

2010-05-09T14:20:00.001-04:00

“Is the Church A Mother?”
Rev. Alison Longstaff, May 9, 2010
Church of the Good Shepherd, Kitchener, ON
Isaiah 2: 1-5 and Revelation 22: 6-17

“The primal call is the call to love. It is the call to be loving and to accept love in return. It calls us beyond rhetoric, beyond excuses; it calls us out of ourselves.” David Spangler

Here we are in church on Mother’s Day, and I am charged with the yearly privilege of preaching a sermon that manages the confluence of Christian worship with the widely secular but not unworthy commemoration of “mother” in our calendar year. Mother’s day as a national holiday in North America is credited to the American Anna Jarvis, who fought and succeeded in seeing a day set aside for honouring one’s mother, singular, in the American calendar year. But the roots of “mother’s day” go back even beyond the “Mothering Sunday” found in the British isles---originally the day established by the Catholic Church to honour the Virgin Mary and the Mother Church. Though today the British Mothering Sunday looks very much like to our North American Mother’s Day, in medieval times worshippers returned from smaller surrounding parishes to worship in the central “mother” cathedral.
But before the advent of Christianity, a day to honour mothers finds its origins in pagan traditions from Greece, Rome, and Egypt. All of these womb countries of the birth of Christianity originally had a day set aside to honour the mother-goddess of their tradition: Cybele in Greece, Juno in Roman culture, and Isis for the ancient Egyptians. It seems it is in our DNA to want to honour the great mother.
So here we sit together in 2010 in this Swedenborgian church building---Swedenborgians from different branches worshipping beside each other, with semi-Swedenborgians and non-Swedenborgians---on this strangely commercial yet anciently grounded day for mothers. How do we worship well together on such a day? How do we honour “mother church” together today?
Good question.
Let us begin by exploring deep into the origins of Christianity. From whom did we inherit the identification of God as Father and the church as Mother? Is such identification a manifestation of the natural order of the universe, or a reflection of the language and thought of a particular culture in a particular time? There are many female images of God in the Hebrew Bible. However, time and culture have veiled them so completely as to leave only a thoroughly male face in the Jewish narrative. This Male-Divine imagery carries forward into the Greek Testament, and is reflected in today’s Scripture reading from Revelation. We see the Divine as the Husband and the church as the bride---a metaphor which has an important resonance for us, but which has unfortunately been used to prescribe the dominance of the human male gender over the human female throughout Christendom ever since.
Is it really true that God is all-male and the church female?
Swedenborg tells us that neither gender was created to be nor ever should be considered superior or dominant over the other, but are one in God and perfectly balanced. So if they are balanced in God, my guess is they ought to be balanced in the church. And if they ought to be conjoined and balanced in both, how did they get so terribly out of balance? Weel we did it. Again and again we humans make our earthly religions reflect our own imbalance, in the name of doing God’s will. And these sad imbalances perpetuate harm to both genders, rather like an improperly supported foot or a slight twist in the pelvis will eventually damage ankles and knees, hips and back.
I submit that we will keep ourselves in balance when we let charity, or love, or the Golden Rule be our guiding principle. In other words, I submit that we do church best when we come from love.
Did you know that many of our earliest Christian leaders were women---wealthy patronesses who hosted the followers of “The Way” in their homes for communion and worship? These early followers of Jesus were banned from worshipping in the synagogues, and were generally persecuted for being so different, and they needed somewhere safe to congregate. It was primarily wealthy women of some status in Roman society who had resources enough to harbour this prohibited group. These women, wealthy enough to have time and resources at their disposal, embraced Jesus’ guiding principles of social justice and reached out to the poor, the sick and the enslaved, as Jesus had done. This was the earliest expression of “mother church”. These early Christians were very motherly; unlike modern Christians there were no great houses of worship to keep up or maintain, and they had only the simplest of worship rituals based on Jesus’ words to be baptised and to share communion in remembrance of him. They spent their time reaching out to the most broken, the sick, and the marginalized. They included everyone, even the slaves, who in turn learned to feed, shelter and comfort the lost and the sick. They were small and terribly persecuted, yet continued to live Jesus’ message the best they knew how. This is our ancestry.
How much doing church has changed in 2000 years!
You see, not too long after Emperor Constantine legitimized Christianity in the Roman Empire, the early political leaders within what was to become the Roman Catholic Church used the dominant male imagery of the Scriptures to justify equating the male gender with God and the female gender with human weakness, and gradually pushed the rich and educated women out of all leadership roles, claiming church leadership as the sole realm of the male. All too quickly, doing the Christian religion began to be about property, ambition, hierarchical power structures, and arguing over who had the right doctrines, and not about helping the outcast or the wounded.
I am reminded of one Brother Cadfael episode in which the head Abbot of the monastery upon hearing there is a possible plague in the village, cries for the doors of the monastery to be shut against a throng of injured and sick peasants seeking refuge in their walls. Brother Cadfael says, “But what of these poor people in need of our aid?” The Abbot replies in agitation, “What does the church have to do with helping people?”
This is unfortunately what church can become in the hands of an exclusively male leadership. Don’t get me wrong! If women were solely in charge, things would be equally twisted in a different way. I submit that it is only when our two genders work together in mutual respect that we can be the most balanced “body of Christ” in the world.
So here we are today, honouring Mother, and originally the mother-goddess---the Divine Feminine---yet I am guessing that some of you in the pews are squirming to even hear the word “Goddess” spoken in a Christian church. As if the loving side of God was somehow unchristian. As if there was no feminine sphere which emanates equally from the sun in heaven.
I am here to assert that speaking of the Creative, nurturing, “congugial” side of God as “the Goddess” is not unchristian, and certainly not unSwedenborgian. I say, “Let’s stop getting caught in stereotypes and limited thinking and acknowledge the wholeness of our Great Creator!”
We know from Swedenborg, (and also in our heart of hearts) that the Divine transcends gender. The source of all that is truly masculine and truly feminine exists in the One Source of all life. We are all made in God’s image, be we black or white, red or yellow, child or adult, rich or poor, male or female. In fact, Swedenborg tells us that Goddess worship, while abhorred in most Christian circles is traces back to our most ancient human worship of God, in which we honoured all aspects of the Divine. Goddess worship was an expression of gratitude and respect for the creative, abundant, nurturing, or “congugial” face of God. Only later did humankind get mixed up, (like we always do!) and think that the feminine aspect of God was a separate entity from the masculine aspect of God. Once we then divided God, we assumed there must be a hierarchy, and that one aspect of God must be superior to or better than another, and the mess just grew from there. But the masculine and feminine are most perfectly one and inseparable in the Divine. The Creator is ever and always both God and Goddess equally. It is we who separate them and then put them at odds with each other, not God.
Our limited human understanding struggles to comprehend how both genders can become one human form. We long for---we need---a face for the Divine. We need to have something warm and living with which to connect. And since most of us recoil at an androgynous picture of God, we innately pick one gender or the other to embody the Divine for us. The Divine did indeed come down and manifest in human form---in the male form of Jesus, for all sorts of correspondential and cultural reasons. This face of God is deeply satisfactory for many. But the incarnation of God in the form of our Lord Jesus need not limit us to thinking that both genders are not equally created in the image and likeness of God.
There is a reason Mary was virtually deified in the Roman Catholic Church. As spiritual children we need, not just a heavenly Father, but a spiritual Mother too. One that transcends and is not limited by the flawed and imperfect face of the church on earth. In fact, some people have been so traumatized by male caretakers or so indoctrinated by horribly twisted teachings about the nature of the very male Christian God, that they need a female face on the Divine if they are to feel that God is even remotely trustworthy or caring. Do you think God, who is all love, really minds what vehicle we use to approach, so long as we approach at all?
So, is God male or female? The answer is “yes.” Is God a God of love, or of strength? The answer is “yes.” Should the church be unconditionally loving and giving and selfless, or strive to protect its children and provide for them and its future well-being? The answer is also, “yes.” The Divine is neither male nor female, but transcends and encompasses ALL aspects of everything that is both loving and wise. The Church as well, though made of mortals, still should strive to be in God’s balanced image: creative and protective, giving and guarding, loving and firm.
The church needs to be balanced and united even as God is. The yin and yang appear connected on every level. If the church is a broken female, then it is equally a broken male. If it is a embodies a beautiful and tender mother, it can equally reflect the strong and reassuring embrace of a good father.
I entitled this sermon “Is the Church a Mother” to encourage us to examine the question on all levels. Does it help us or hamper us to view ourselves as a mothering energy, or is that an old model that needs to be updated? How motherly are we as a congregation? How fatherly? Indeed, in this changing age, where fewer and fewer families attend church at all, when society is hyper mobile and all of us are over-scheduled, do we even know what the purpose of church? Is traditional Sunday worship more and more an out-dated old grandmother, parked in the corner in a wheelchair waiting for her last days? Can we possibly be reborn to become something truly new---something that lives in our hearts and touches all the travellers we meet---something that calls in and offers respite and healing to the spiritually broken and lost of today?
This congregation has been in the process of trying to answer that question for several years now. I think we are on the right track in choosing the mandate of Love as our foundation, God’s Word as our means, and healing activity in the world as our goal. Love is the face of the Mother, yes, but increasingly the face of Fathers today too. Love, the very essence of our life and the source of all our deepest joy is the heart and soul of the Divine. Love, not doctrinal battles, nor even repeating the name of Swedenborg will be the birth mother of the New Church in Swedenborg’s prophesy. May we each be part of that great mother.
“This is my commandment, that you love one another.”
Amen

Isaiah 2: 1-5 1 This is what Isaiah son of Amoz saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem: 2 In the last days the mountain of the LORD's temple will be established as chief among the mountains; it will be raised above the hills, and all nations will stream to it. 3 Many peoples will come and say, "Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD, to the house of the God of Jacob. He will teach us his ways, so that we may walk in his paths." The law will go out from Zion, the word of the LORD from Jerusalem. 4 He will judge between the nations and will settle disputes for many peoples. They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore. 5 Come, O house of Jacob, let us walk in the light of the LORD.

Rev 22: 6 Then he said to me, "These words are faithful and true." And the Lord God of the holy prophets sent His angel to show His servants the things which must shortly take place. 7 "Behold, I am coming quickly! Blessed is he who keeps the words of the prophecy of this book." 8 Now I, John, saw and heard these things. And when I heard and saw, I fell down to worship before the feet of the angel who showed me these things. 9 Then he said to me, "See that you do not do that. For I am your fellow servant, and of your brethren the prophets, and of those who keep the words of this book. Worship God." 10 And he said to me, "Do not seal the words of the prophecy of this book, for the time is at hand. 11 He who is unjust, let him be unjust still; he who is filthy, let him be filthy still; he who is righteous, let him be righteous still; he who is holy, let him be holy still." 12 "And behold, I am coming quickly, and My reward is with Me, to give to every one according to his work. 13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the First and the Last." 14 Blessed are those who do His commandments, that they may have the right to the tree of life, and may enter through the gates into the city. 15 But outside are dogs and sorcerers and sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and whoever loves and practices a lie. 16 "I, Jesus, have sent My angel to testify to you these things in the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, the Bright and Morning Star." 17 And the Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" And let him who thirsts come. Whoever desires, let him take the water of life freely.
Emanuel Swedenborg Divine Love and Wisdom 47 “To be loving is to love others outside of oneself, and to be close to them because of that love. A fundamental of love is also to be loved by others, for without this, there is nothing reciprocal in the relationship. The essence of all love comes from this reciprocal connection, it is indeed its very life, and the source of all pleasure, enjoyment, delight, sweetness, blessedness, and happiness.”

Listen to my most recent sermon :)

2010-04-17T17:51:00.004-04:00

http://www.sfswedenborgian.org/Sermons/sermons.asp

Hear "The Way Through the Wilderness"Sermon by The Rev. Alison Longstaff, March 21, 2010 Scripture readings: Isaiah 43:16-21 and John 12:1-8

"Alison Longstaff is employed at the Church of the Good Shepherd in Kitchener, Ontario as the music director and the head of family outreach."www.shepherdsway.ca

"I Yearned About Jesus"

2009-11-03T13:29:00.007-05:00

I had to share with everyone a heartwarming story sent to me from Jessica, one of the moms who brings her boys to our church:

"I just wanted to send you a quick message about our day and hopefully brighten your day. I took the boys out for some running around this morning and promised Ben if he helped mommy he could get a toy at Giant Tiger - whatever he wants. When we got there and were looking around Benson picked out a statue of Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. He told me that he wanted them in his room over his bed, and he said baby Jesus will take care of him. How wise! I was so shocked. He walked around the store holding his statue and telling all the old people who it was, and that he "yearned about baby Jesus" at church!!! I was so proud and happy all at once. What a smart little boy, and only 2 1/2 !" -from Jessica-

Ben certainly is adorable! He brought his little statue to church with him and hugged it tightly all through the service. One never knows what precious things these wise little hearts will treasure. Jess, you and your family are a gift to Good Shepherd. Thanks for this story!

Halloween with the teens

2009-11-01T18:06:00.056-05:00

This October, I took our teens to the Snyder Family Farm's Haunted Barn and Corn Maze.
http://www.snydersfamilyfarm.com/nightterrors/home /nightterrors/home It was a dark and, well, rainy night, but we managed to have a lot of fun. Our group consisted of Eleesha, Erin, Cameron, Dorothy and Joseph, with older sister Melody F. and young adult Vincent N.
Here are pictures of us in the corn maze:
I see Cameron has his trusty umbrella ready to fight off all unfriendly types.
But Cameron, that's Joey!

Erin is not scratching her nose, she's pointing at the ghosts....

Are those glowing orbs spirits, or just rain drops lit up by the flash....?

Vincent is ready to protect us all.

It started raining pretty steadily, so we decided to take cover in the, er, haunted barn....

The gatekeeper barred our way, but eventually we got in.

And made all sorts of charming new friends!

Isn't he handsome?

This one got a bit cranky when I complimented him on his nice, modern Blackberry.

He was just a scream. (Well, somebody was screaming....)

And this clown wasn't having a happy night at all.

Maybe the fact that he had been chained to the wall had something to do with it.

And this fellow was everywhere!

And I mean,

EVERYWHERE!

Joseph's face was glowing yellow when I took this, but he seems okay in this picture....

Vincent kept us safe, thank goodness.

We all came home safe and sound, and mostly dry.

It was great fun!

Ordination celebration, Part 2

2009-09-01T15:12:00.029-04:00

All of these pictures are by Emma Heiser Simonetti . (Thanks, Emma!)

After the skit, I gave a bit of a speech, some of which Emma Simonetti captured on video:

(Okay, so I tried and tried to get the video to upload, but apparently am not geeky enough to figure it out.)
After the speech, Tamar said a few lovely things, and Matt and Mary Jane Odhner gave me a gift.....

A black sheep in a red stole!

How perfect.

No one from my family of origin came.

But 24 wonderful people filled the house and sang to me, with many more folks sending good wishes and regrets that they couldn't attend.

It was a lovely evening.

I've also got video of the ordination itself, which some people watched at the party. I'm trying to figue out how to upload it so more folks can see it.

Bryn Athyn Celebration of Ordination, Part 1

2009-09-01T14:21:00.018-04:00

We started the party with a skit:
(In case you're not sure, this is satire.)

General Church member: Hey, Hi! Good to see you! (Hug) I hear you are a minister now. Congratulations!
Alison: Thanks! I feel great. I’m very happy.
General Church member: So, they finally let women into the Bryn Athyn theological school....and they ordained you. Wonders never cease.
Alison: Well, no. I’m ordained into the Swedenborgian Church of North America - the "Convention" Church.
GC member: Ohhhhhh! Well then.... So you’re not a real minister.
Alison: No. I guess I’m not a real minister.
GC member: So, where did you study to get your degree?
Alison: I did the bulk of my studies at a wonderful Lutheran seminary in Ontario, and got all my Swedenborgian credits through the Convention seminary in California by distance learning.
GC member: I see. So, not at a real seminary.
Alison: No. I couldn’t study at a real seminary. But I made wonderful friends at my seminary!
GC member: Oh! Are they in the General Church?
Alison: Well, no, it was a Lutheran seminary....
GC member: So, they aren’t real friends.
Alison: No. I guess you’re right. They aren’t real friends....
GC member: Mmm-hmmm.... So, where do you work?
Alison: I work at the Church of the Good Shepherd, in Kitchener.
GC member: Ohhhhhh! Well then.... (relieved) So at least you are working in Caryndale.
Alison: No. That’s the General Church congregation. I work at the Convention Church in Kitchener.
GC member: Ohhh. So, you don’t work at a real church.
Alison: No. You’re right. I guess I don’t work at a real church....
GC member: And how is your husband with all this?
Alison: He’s been wonderful, really supportive.
GC member: But, you’re not a member of the General Church any more?
Alison: That’s right. I resigned almost two years ago.
GC member: So, you don’t even have a real marriage.
Alison: I guess not, not a real marriage.... (Sighs)
GC member: (Pause. Brightens) Well, your children! How are they doing?
Alison: Both of my daughters have wonderful, adorable boyfriends, who are really good to them.
GC member: That’s wonderful! Who are they?
Alison: You wouldn’t know them. They aren’t in the General Church.
GC member: So, they don’t have real boyfriends.
Alison: No. Not real boyfriends.
GC member: But they are both at The Academy?
Alison: No. None of my children are.
GC member: So, you don’t even have real children.
Alison: No, I don’t even have real children. (Sighs)
GC member: (Long, awkward pause.) Well! This has been interesting.
Alison: Indeed! But don’t worry. Talking to me wasn’t even a real experience, so you’ll be okay.
GC member: (Laughs with relief.) You’re right! Well that’s all right then! Good bye!

Alison: It has been quite interesting talking to you. (Then, under her breath) Unreal....

My ordination talk

2009-07-01T00:44:00.001-04:00

Welcoming the Stranger
Alison Longstaff, June 26 2009
Ordination talk, University of Washington

Matt 25: 34-40 Then the Sovereign One will say to those on the right hand, 'Come, you blessed of Abba God, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you took care of Me; I was in prison and you visited Me.

Then those honorable ones will answer, saying, “Teacher, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?" And the Sovereign One will answer and say to them, "Truly, I say to you, every time you did it for one of the least of my sisters or brothers, you did it for Me."

In ancient Rome and Greece, newborn baby girls were regularly abandoned by the roadside and left to die. Girls were considered a liability. They cost money to marry off, and they couldn’t carry on the family name. By the time of the Lord’s birth on earth Roman society was experiencing a severe shortage of women because of the neglect and abandonment of baby girls. But it didn’t stop the practice.
There are parts of the world where girls are still treated this way. Indeed, the practice of subjugating and devaluing women continues in many subtle ways in every corner of our world. Our culture has come a long way, but we’ve still got a long way to go.

However, this isn’t meant to be a “women’s lib” talk. It is a cry against discrimination in every form. We all know injustice, not just women, not just blacks not just immigrants. Every one of us in this room, at one time or another in our lives has felt marginalized, singled out, or picked on. From playground bullying, to being the last one picked for basketball, to being refused service or support because our income is too low, we have all experienced that feeling of the door slamming in our face---of being deemed unworthy. We all know the emotional experience of having the pack withdraw from us and look at us with dislike. It feels rotten.

If an infant experiences the withdrawal of the pack, it faces certain death. Such abandonment communicates profound dehumanization. That child is considered a waste of time and resources. How can the most helpless and innocent of all human beings comprehend such a rejection? Perhaps that is why all forms of rejection cut so deep. It communicates to our “lizard brain” that we are singled out to die. Though you and I may be relatively mature, and know in our heads that we will survive rejection just fine, experiences of rejection and abandonment can still throw us into a profoundly vulnerable emotional place. Our lizard brain sees the complete withdrawal of our support, resources, and foundation, and it believes we are going to die.

That was essentially what my emotional state was when I knocked on the door of this denomination. I had been cut out of my pack. My spiritual family had left me by the road to die, without a backward glance. I was devastated, kicked out of the only spiritual home I had ever known. After all, the Bishop’s Decree had come down from the top: “God says women can’t be ministers, so shut up and stop your whining.” (I think those were the bishop’s exact words...)

Oh, I was welcome back, if I kept my mouth shut about the injustice and the sexism I was witnessing. I was welcome back if I gave up my call to ministry and suppressed it as unnatural and unfeminine. I was welcome back if I stopped being me. They wanted my body in the pews, but not my heart, not my intelligence, and certainly not my longing to be a minister.
So I stumbled up to your doors, “bleeding from every orifice” as one friend described me. I was an orphan. I was an unwanted child.

“for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you took care of Me; I was in prison and you visited Me."

I began to inquire at SHS, and was astonished to receive heartfelt congratulations and excitement over my call to ministry. Then the local congregation in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada adopted me with unbounded warmth, kindness, and enthusiasm, welcoming me as if I was someone worth loving.

I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you took care of Me....

You, all of you, whether you know it or not, cared for me, wounded and broken though I was, and nursed me back to health. Though I’m not perfect, you welcomed me with kindness and love. Do you have any idea what that has meant to me?

And now, now that I am strong and well again, and equipped for service, it is my turn to give back to you, with my whole heart and devotion. I bring playfulness and music, a voice of hope and compassion, and a heart full of delight in the new incarnation of God’s love that is this second coming. I wish to be an encourager, a teacher, and perhaps even a pioneer into new spiritual territories, discovering and mapping where this church might go in the future.
I have sat in these meetings and I have heard the concerns for our future. I see the frustration and the discouragement over the declining membership.

But maybe we need to reframe our mission on this world. We keep thinking that it is our job to grow the New Church for the Lord, and that that “New Church” is going to look like lots of new members in this denomination.

But look around you. The New Church is popping up in voices and hearts in all sorts of unexpected places. It lives in that Rabbi and in that Sheikh that spoke so eloquently to us Wednesday night. You saw it and felt it. It lives in the heart and mind of Reverend Jeff, even if he uses different words and has some different ideas. It is showing up everywhere, if we can but realize what we are seeing. It lives in more and more hearts and minds every day, and God is doing it all by ... Herself. God is bringing about the Holy City, and a person doesn’t necessarily have to have heard of Swedenborg to be part of it.

I don’t think we have to worry. We don’t own the New Church. We never did. It is God’s church, not ours, and comes to each person in its right time. We don’t “have it” to give to another. We have it to live, day by day in community with the whole world.

You and you and you and I, simply by loving these ideas and struggling to live them into our ordinary lives, are very much contributing to the descent of the Holy City. We bear witness to it with our lips, yes, but more importantly, we bear witness to it with our quality of being on this planet.
So, we might need to reframe our understanding of our job as a church. It may not be our destiny to grow huge in numbers. It might just be our job to hold the space for love, to keep the flame of the spirit of truth alive while God does the work of birthing the New Church on earth. This tiny denomination has been the mother and the midwife of this new birth for years already. Well done, good and faithful servants. The baby is crowning, and all we have to do is breathe, and relax, and try not to strain. This birth is in the Lord’s hands, and therefore, all is well.

I say again: “the new church” may never be one unified natural organization called “The New Church.” I think we get stuck on that expectation. The New Church may be just what we are already seeing: Rabbis and Sheikhs, Imams and Pagan priestesses, Lutherans and Presbyterians and agnostics who see that the one God is for everyone. Allah is Yahweh is the Goddess is Jesus is: “Goodness embodied in kindness and art and compassion and service” no matter what our holy book or skin colour or country of origin or gender.

Have we failed because we are still so small and so few people have heard of Swedenborg? Not on your life. Every moment that we live our love and our calling, we are doing just what God asks of us. Because it is always and ever about living our love, and not about our status, or glossy brochures, or fancy programming, or packed stadiums and praise bands.

How do I know this? Well, remember those baby girls who were abandoned in Rome to die? Some were found and adopted by a tiny and persecuted group whose mandate was simply to serve the world with kindness and compassion---to feed the hungry and visit those in prison and to tend the sick. Those girls were adopted and raised within the fragile struggling group, learning also to serve the poor and reach out in love to the marginalized. That tiny band was heaven-bent on obeying their radical rabbi’s command to remember the widows and the orphans, to welcome the stranger, and to become the least and the servant of all.
Whatever happened to that tiny, poor, struggling group? You can bet they wondered and worried about their future. What were they called anyway? Something like … Christians? What did ever happen to them?

Anyway, let’s not worry about the future. It will worry about itself. Please, just for tonight, celebrate with me that one little girl who was dead is alive again. And God willing, thanks to you, I am going to be one mighty power for good in the world. Tonight, celebrate with me the miracle of the newest good news: the absolute trustworthy power of God’s love. Of course we will work with all our might for this church because we love it so much. But we don’t have to worry. All will be well with the church because it is not really up to us; it’s in God’s hands … and with God, all things, ALL THINGS, are possible.

Ordination service bulletin

2009-06-30T11:53:00.001-04:00

Worship Celebration of the Ordination of
Cameron Linen and Alison Smith Longstaff
June 26, 2009

Prelude: O Come Everyone That Thirsteth
Mendelssohn’s "Elijah"
Longstaff Family Singers

Processional Hymn
Jerusalem the Golden - p 6
(Please stand)

Opening of the Word

Responsive Call to Celebration

There are those who say that God cannot be heard,
In these times of turmoil, hopelessness and confusion

there is also justice and hope and clarity,
for the Lord is present.
There are those who say that God cannot be seen,
In the midst of anonymity, loneliness and alienation

there is also community, belonging and purpose,
for the Lord is present.
There are those who say that God cannot be felt,
People who hunger for the healing love of God,
for the Lord is present.
Let us proclaim our faith in those who have heard God’s gentle voice,
Let us proclaim our confidence in those who follow God.
Let us proclaim our trust in those who have seen God.
Let us support those who step forward to serve God.
Let us rejoice that Cameron and Alison have responded

to God’s call and have come before us for our blessings
and the blessings of the Lord; for the Lord is present.

Hymn
This is My Father’s World- p 7
(Please Stand)

A Call to the Faithful

The spirit of God has sent us to bring good news to the oppressed,
To bind up the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives and release to the prisoners,
To comfort all who mourn,
To give them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a faint spirit.
They shall build up the ancient ruins,
they shall raise up the former devastations,
the devastations of many generations.
You shall be named ministers of our God.

The Word and The Call

Matthew 25: 34-40
Welcoming the Stranger
Alison Smith Longstaff

Anthem
Warrior
Wyrd Sisters
Convention Chorus of Women

Philippians 2: 1-4
Doing the Work
Cameron Linen

Affirmation of Faith
We believe in God, The Creator, The Christ, The Light of the World whose eternal spirit moved upon the face of the waters at the beginning, and moves within us now. To a world in darkness the Eternal Light became one of us, transcended every human frailty, overcame the hells, restored the balance of the spiritual world and saved humanity. Today the Lord comes to us anew in the spiritual understanding of the Word. With its enlightenment and renewal of life, this disclosure is the Second Coming in Spirit, making possible a new and larger life as we love God and love the good which comes from God in all people. So far as we honor the Lord in worship and in life as the visible God in whom is the invisible Divine, we walk in the light of the Holy City, New Jerusalem. Amen.

Pastoral Prayer

Lord’s Prayer
OUR CREATOR, You are within us and all around us. Your spirit enters us in every breath. We honor Your holy names. We celebrate Your presence and the coming of Your Wisdom Unfolding from the depths within us, Your will is done. Each day You freely offer us all that we need. You show us our weaknesses and help us to overcome them. You give us the courage to act in love and wisdom. For You are the dwelling place of all people, the empowering guide and the joy of life itself now and forever. Amen.

Anthem
Soon Love Soon
Vienna Tang
Longstaff Family Singers, Marcia Smith, soloist

Presentation of the Candidates

Doctrine of the Church

Essentials of the Church

Faith of the Church

The Inquiry
President: Alison and Cameron you now stand before this faithful assembly who love and trust you. In the depth of your heart do you believe that Divine Providence has led you to minister to all those that are a part of the New Jerusalem?
Ordinands: I do so believe I have been called by name and led to this place.
Congregation: We honor you and the journey that has brought you here.
Minister: Do you declare your commitment and faithfulness to the Lord, the Divine Word and the heavenly teachings of the New Jerusalem as unfolded in the writings by Emanuel Swedenborg?
Ordinands: I do so declare they are a lamp unto my feet and a light upon my path.
Congregation: The Light of heaven shines upon your path.
President: Is it your desire to be ordained as minister of the New Church that you would lead as priest, prophet, teacher, and pastor; humbly opening your heart to the Lord as the Source of all truth, love and power?
Ordinands: I do so desire to be ordained into the ministry, that with the Lord’s help I shall fulfill my calling to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God.
ALL: We will walk with you.

Laying on of Hands

Ministerial Grace

Presentation of the Tokens of Ordination

Charge to Ordinands
President Christine Laitner

Hymn of Blessing
Canticle of the Turning
Rory Cooney
Convention Choir and Congregation

Closing of the Word

Benediction
Rev Cameron Linen and Rev. Alison Smith Longstaff

Recessional
Ode to Joy
arr. A.V. Fedak

Hallelujah Chorus
George F. Handel

Liturgists
Reverend Andrew Stinson
Ordaining Minister
Ms. Christine Laitner
President of Convention

Musicians
Rev. Ken Turley, Worship Coordinator
Laurie Turley, Convention Choirmaster
The Convention Choir
The Longstaff Family Singers
Convention Chorus of Women
Ms. Bet Giddings, Accompanist

Laying on of Hands
For Cameron Linen
Rev. Wilma Wake – mentor
Rev. Ken Turley - mentor

For Alison S. Longstaff
Pat Tukos - advisor
Rev. John Maine – mentor
Phil Longstaff – representing the whole family
Vida Jaugelis –Lutheran classmate

16 days

2009-06-14T23:35:00.003-04:00

and counting.....

I passed my courses and passed my final exams. I have jumped through all the hoops. I am scheduled to be ordained June 26th at 7:30 pm in Seattle, Washington.

WAHOOOOOOOO!

June 14, 2009

2009-06-14T23:26:00.003-04:00

My Journey
Alison Longstaff, June 14 2009
Church of the Good Shepherd

(my final talk at Good Shepherd before I head off to my ordination)

"for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you took care of Me; I was in prison and you visited Me.'" Matt 25:35-36

In ancient Rome and Greece, newborn baby girls were regularly abandoned by the roadside and left to die. Girls were considered a liability. They cost money to marry off, and they couldn’t carry on the family name. By the time of the Lord’s birth on earth Roman society was experiencing a severe shortage of women because of their neglect and abandonment of baby girls. It didn’t stop the practice though.
There are parts of the world where girls are still treated this way. Indeed, the practice of subjugating and devaluing women continues in many subtle ways in every corner of our world. Our culture has come a long way, but we’ve still got a long way to go.

However, this isn’t meant to be a “women’s lib” talk. It is a cry against discrimination in every form. We all know injustice, not just women, not just blacks, not just immigrants. Every one of us in this room, at one time or another in our lives has felt marginalized, singled out, or picked on. From playground bullying, to being the last one picked for basketball, to being refused service or support because our income is too low, we have all experienced that feeling of the door slamming in our face---of being deemed unworthy. We all know the emotional experience of having the pack withdraw from us and look at us with dislike. It feels rotten.

If an infant experiences the withdrawal of the pack, it faces certain death. Such abandonment communicates profound dehumanization. That child is considered a waste of time and resources. How can the most helpless and innocent of all human beings comprehend such a rejection? Perhaps that is why all forms of rejection cut so deep. It communicates to our “lizard brain” that we are singled out to die. Though you and I may be relatively mature, and know in our heads that we will survive rejection just fine, an experience of rejection or abandonment can still throw us into a profoundly vulnerable emotional place. Our lizard brain sees the complete withdrawal of our support, resources, and foundation, and it believes we are going to die.

That was essentially what my emotional state was when I wandered in here. I had been cut out of my pack. I had been left by the road to die, without a backward glance. I was the walking wounded, rejected by my spiritual family and kicked out of the only spiritual home I had ever known. Yes, I was welcome back, if I kept my mouth shut about the injustice and the sexism I was witnessing. Yes I was welcome back if I gave up my call to ministry and suppressed it as unnatural and unfeminine. After all, the Papal Decree had come down from the top: “God says women can’t be ministers, so shut up and stop your whining.” (I think those were the bishop’s exact words....) I was welcome back if I stopped being me. They wanted my body in the pews, but not my heart, my intelligence, or my longing to be a minister.

So I stumbled in here, lost and confused. I had nowhere to belong.

“for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you took care of Me; I was in prison and you visited Me."

I brought with me music and enthusiasm, a passel of equally hurting friends, and a deep yearning to belong. Poor pastor Ros had no idea what to do with me. I hovered around the edges, just wanting a place where I fit in. And you enfolded me in your kindness.

And you guys didn’t just let me hang around the fringes; you welcomed me in just the way I was. You didn’t just tolerate me, you seemed, proud of my desire to be a minister! It blew my mind. I began to realize that I had found a new home when Pastor John said, “Look, you are our seminarian. See, there’s your name on our bulletin, ‘Alison Longstaff, our seminarian.’” I burst into tears.

You offered me unconditional love. You treated me like I was worth something, just the way I was. You blew me out of the water. Like a kicked puppy, I still sometimes wonder when the criticisms and judgment will begin again. If you sometimes read hesitancy and caution in any of us who have come to your fold from a colder place, that is probably what you are reading. Be patient. It takes a while to learn that it really is safe here.

And though we may look around and think we are kind of a motley crew, just remember this: Jacob, of “Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob” fame, accepted into his flock all the speckled and spotted sheep, all the blemished and broken ones that others didn’t want. And from that beginning, he became the wealthiest man of all.
So maybe this church of unconditional love, peace, and patience don’t have glossy brochures, buckets of money, or a huge membership. So it is small and humble and struggling. It has the one thing that matters. It has everything it will ever need. It has love.

You had me at the first hello. You took me in, warts and all.
That’s all it took to win my love forever. Now it’s my turn to give back. From one lost lamb about to become a Shepherd thanks to you, my deepest, most heartfelt THANKYOU.

Flying Swoo

2009-05-01T10:15:00.007-04:00

So I hear there's a pandemic coming.

I heard about it on the radio. I think it's called "flying swoo."

I wonder if I have it.

After all, I have these symptoms....

My pocketbook is really hurting.

And over the years , my body has gotten all big and puffy.

The doctor says I eat too much, but I think it's the flying swoo.

My brain isn't what it used to be. My memory is going.

I find it's harder and harder to care if my house is messy, or if my clothes aren't perfect.

Flying Swoo.

It sounds like something I'd want to duck.

I'm not sure I want to get hit by some flying swoo.

What are some other symptoms?

Sometimes it feels like my life is going to pieces.

I feel much less in control.

My pride hurts. My dreams are pathetic shadows of their formers selves.

Do I have flying swoo?

Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away.

A perfect commentary

2009-04-06T14:35:00.004-04:00

I started this Blog as a way of recording what this journey looks like, for anyone coming after me, or in a similar situation, and for my friends to keep tabs on my adventure. I also have used it as an outlet for joy, frustration, and all the other emotional ups and downs of this wild ride.

I started out excited and wordy and full of commentary, and have ended up sick to death of writing and listening to myself think.

And my last posting, which stood un-touched for weeks was "What doesn't kill you...."

heh heh.

It's all a perfect commentary. I'm in the final stages of labour now. This baby is coming! I just got my second to last "yes" to my ordination on April 2nd, and have been asked to begin planning the service.

What energy and attention I have left is going into jumping through the final hoops required of me. I'm sleeping between contractions now, I'm so tired of the process, so to speak. I'm almost too tired to be excited.

So here I am in Maine, half-way through my two-week internship with Rev. Ken Turley in Fryeburg. The locals are wonderful with buckets of personality, but I've caught the plague that is going around. There's a nasty cough/sinus/sore-throat bug going around, so ubiquitous that church yesterday sounded like a consumption ward. Ken just stoppped talking in the middle of his sermon for a while because nobody could hear what he was saying over all the hacking and nose-blowing. It's just funny. This is real life---real church. The choir director was so sick he couldn't sing, so I sang tenor. But he played a mean hammer-dulcimer for one of the songs and for the prelude (covet, covet....). For a tiny congregation, their choir ROCKS.

So, I'm shouting out from my final sprint to say THANK YOU to everyone who has followed this process with me and supported me. The finish line is in sight.

My ordination, if I get my final "yes" is scheduled for June 26th in the evening, on the campus of the University of Washington in Seattle. Anyone who can possibly travel that far and wants to come is welcome.

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

What doesn't kill you....

2008-10-23T13:24:00.011-04:00

...just makes you wish you were dead.

In tribute to the Very Bad Day I'm having, and with the help of http://www.despair.com/,

I bring you, I hope, some humour.

Yay.

With thanks to the US government....

2008-10-10T20:46:00.014-04:00

The US economy's failure is having a cascade of consequences for us peasants. My husband is looking for work again. His little company just handed out the last paychecks for who knows how long.

Is there somebody I can punch?

See the article below by CBC's Henry Champ:

Lawmakers fume at excess of failed firm's execs

Wednesday, October 8, 2008 03:27 PM ET

By Henry Champ

(The full article is here:
http://www.cbc.ca/news/reportsfromabroad/champblog/2008/10/eyebrowraising_excess_at_the_t.html )

"Just when you thought you'd heard it all on the U.S. financial crisis...
You'll remember that $85-billion US taxpayer loan to the American International Group (AIG). That was made on Sept. 16. In return, AIG surrendered 79.9 per cent of its stock to the government.

Less than a week later, the company's executives, clearly to ease the mental strain they had been undergoing, pitched up at the exclusive St. Regis Resort at Monarch Beach in California.
It's not easy running a once-profitable insurance company into the ground, then waiting nervously for taxpayers to bail you out. The resort allowed these men and women to pull themselves together.
Unfortunately for some, the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform got some copies of the bill.
In one week, AIG executives spent $440,000. There was $200,000 for rooms. Another $150,000 in food, $23,000 at the spa, $1,400 at the salon and $7,000 in green fees. Then there is the old favourite, the bar tab, which topped out at $10,000.
"They were getting facials, their manicures and their massages, while the American people were footing the bill," Maryland Democrat Elijah Cummings fumed during the oversight committee hearing."

"Now for the kicker.
Joe Cassano was president of AIG's financial products division. That's the group that trafficked in credit-default swaps (CDS). It was this trading that most analysts say brought down the insurance giant.
Under the terms of his contract, the committee heard yesterday, Cassano and his executive colleagues were paid 30 cents on every dollar these CDS products made. All told, Cassano made $280 million running this division, a fact that raised the ire of many lawmakers.
Ruining is perhaps a better word than running, since the division lost $11 billion, which led to the near-collapse of the company. Cassano was fired Feb. 29 of this year, but was allowed to keep $34 million in bonuses.
How can anyone receive a bonus for this kind of track record?
The horror story does not stop here. Cassano was then kept on as an AIG consultant at a salary of $1 million a month. That's not a typo. One million dollars a month.
Committee members asked why. The response, from former CEO Martin Sullivan: "I wanted to retain the 20-year knowledge of the transactions."

"Sadly, the committee hearings will get less attention than the second presidential debate, which by any standard was a disappointment. The town-hall rules that governed this debate left no possibility of followup questions.
As a result, when Obama suggested AIG should be forced to repay taxpayers for the resort/spa fiasco and the company's executives should be fired for authorizing the retreat, McCain ignored the issue, and it died."

Hmmm. It's hard to say just how it feels to lose our income and well-being and possibly our house so that some of the ultra-rich can be bailed out and get massages and facials for all their trauma....

Deracinated

2008-09-30T11:02:00.002-04:00

I do love CBC radio. Yesterday's show called "Q" gave me a great new word.
Deracinated.
Many people in a lifetime are deracinated.
I certainly have been deracinated.
Have YOU been deracinated?

Mommy....

2008-09-19T09:37:00.007-04:00

Barbara Alice Merrell Smith

Sept 12, 1932 - Sept 13, 2008

I'll miss you, Mom.

All the words spoken at Mom's service

2008-09-19T09:37:00.003-04:00

The music was absolutely beautiful.
The talk and readings speak for themselves.

RESURRECTION SERVICE FOR BARBARA SMITH
by Rev. Robert S. Junge
Sept. 16, 2008

Readings

How amiable are Thy tabernacles, O Lord of hosts! My soul longeth, yea even fainteth for the courts of the Lord: my heart and my flesh crieth out for the living God. Yea the sparrow hath found an house, and the swallow a nest for herself where she may lay her young, even thine altars, O Lord of hosts, My King and my God. Blessed are they that dwell in Thy house; they will be still praising thee. Selah. ( Psalm 84:1-4)

The life of a man after death is the life of his love, and the life of his faith, consequently such as has been his love and such as has been his faith, during life in the world, such his life remains forever. (AC 10596)

It is impossible to enumerate the employments in the heavens…In the heavens as on the earth there are many forms of service …Each one has his particular charge … But however many there may be that are so employed, they are all in the delight of their work and labor from a love of use, and no one from a love of self or of gain. (HH 387, 388, 392, 393)

Those that are in heaven are continually advancing towards the spring of life, with a greater advance towards a more joyful and happy spring the more thousands of years they live; and this to eternity, with increase according to the growth and degree of their love, charity, and faith. Women who have died old and worn out with age, if they have lived in faith in the Lord, in charity to the neighbor, and in happy marriage love with a husband, advance with the succession of years more and more into the flower of youth and early womanhood, and into a beauty that transcends every conception of any such beauty as is seen on the earth. (HH 414)

O sing unto the Lord a new song: sing unto the Lord, all the earth. Sing unto the Lord, bless His name; shew forth His salvation from day to day. (Psalm 96:1-2)

Gladness of heart is especially expressed by a song, because in a song gladness breaks forth as it were of itself into sound. … The angels also who were with the men were at the same time in the glorification of the Lord, consequently they who sang and they who heard the songs, had heavenly gladness from the holy and blessed influx which flowed in from heaven, in which they seemed to themselves to be as it were taken up into heaven. Such an effect had the songs of the church among the ancients. Such an effect also they would have at this day; for the spiritual angels are especially affected by songs which are about the Lord, His kingdom, and the church. That the songs of the church had this effect, was not only because by them gladness of heart became active…but also because there is a glorification of the Lord in the heavens by means of choirs, and thus by the harmonious music of many… (AC 8261)

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands. Serve the Lord with gladness: come before His presence with singing. Know ye that the Lord He is God: it is He that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture. Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise; be thankful unto Him, and bless His name. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations. (Psalm 100)

As heaven is from the human race, and angels therefore are of both sexes, and from creation woman is for man and man is for woman, thus the one belongs to the other, and this love is innate in both, it follows that there are marriages in heaven as well as on the earth. (HH 366)

What man who has loved his wife, and his infants and children, does not say within himself when they are dying, or have died, if he is elevated above the sensual things of the body, that they are in God’s hand, and he will see them again after his own death, and will be conjoined with them again in a life of love and joy? (CL 28)

And on the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. And both Jesus was called and His disciples to the marriage. And when the wine was lacking, the mother of Jesus says to Him, They have no wine. Jesus says to her, What is it to Me and to thee, woman? My hour is not yet come. His mother says to those ministering, Whatever He shall say to you, do. And there were set there six water-pots of stone, after the manner of the purification of the Jews, containing two or three measures apiece. Jesus says to them, Fill the water-pots with water. And they filled them up to the top. And He says to them, Draw out now, and bring to the chief of the feast, and they bore it. And when the chief of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was (but those ministering who drew the water knew), the chief of the feast calls the bridegroom, and says to him, Every man first sets forth good wine, and when they are drunken, then the lesser; but thou has kept the good wine until now. This beginning of signs did Jesus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested His glory, and His disciples believed in Him.

O sing unto the Lord a new song; for He hath done marvelous things… Make a joyful noise unto the Lord all the earth (Psalm 98:1. 4)

* * * * * * *

We come together to commemorate the life of our dear friend Barbara Smith. The memory of all the people that she loved and the things she stood for in this world helps us to raise our affection and thought to who she is and the uses she is taking up as she enters eternal life. Yet the more we learn to think spiritually the more our commemoration becomes rather a celebration of the Lord and the tender care of His Providence. He has been with her from birth, developing her thoughts and affections each step of the way. And He will continue to be with her, as He will continue to be with us. He will always be there to support our love for her and her reciprocating love for us.
To see some of the reasons for celebration we turn to the familiar story of the Lord’s first miracle in this world. Even as the disciples and the mother of Jesus gathered at that marriage long ago in Cana, so we gather as a church and we pray that as Jesus was with them He will be with us.
All of us pass through times when we feel drained spiritually. We feel empty. The wine of spiritual understanding has run out. And so we read, “The mother of Jesus says to Him, They have no wine.” But what is needed is not belief in the limited human taken from Mary, which the Lord put off, but rather faith in the Human, which the Lord put on from the Divine. The Soul of that Divine Human is Love itself. (Lord 35:4) That is the very love we need to sustain us today. Not merely human thought and feeling, not focusing on ourselves, but looking to the Lord and the Divine purpose of HIS love – a heaven from the human race.
The Lord calls Mary “woman,” to bring this distinction home. When we feel drained we need to put our confidence in the Lord Himself, in His Divine power to help, and particularly in His infinite love. “(The peace we seek) has in it confidence in the Lord, that He directs all things, and provides all things, and that He leads to a good end. When a man is in this faith, he is in peace, for he then fears nothing, and no solicitude about things to come disquiets him. A man comes into this state in proportion as he comes into love to the Lord.” (AC 8455)
But Mary does not seem to understand. Such confidence does not come in a moment. It seems far from us. Filling the void takes obedience and service. Mary responds as we must learn to, “Whatever He shall say to you, do.” As individuals and collectively as a Church, we know states of summer and states of winter, states of emptiness and rich states of fullness. But in the church or in its individual members only loyal obedience to the truth of the Word can open the way for love to flow in and rekindle our hearts.
Barbara loves her family, her 5 children, her 19 grandchildren, and 13 great grandchildren. In reaching out to her family and friends in states high and low Barbara’s answer seems to have been like Mary’s, “Whatever the Lord says to us in His Word, we must do.” We must recognize the voice of our Shepherd so that He can lead and provide but His leading comes from and supports love like the love Barbara feels for her husband, her family, and her friends. And love being reciprocal shares AND accepts. It gives and receives. As a parent Barbara learned that to teach effectively one must also listen effectively. True confidence can only come to us as a communion of friends or as individuals when together we learn to say of the Word, “It is so.”
Such allegiance to the truth may at times come across as zeal, particularly to those who do not see the issues clearly. It may seem at times tenacious, blunt, or abrupt. But such loyal obedience is an essential foundation for spiritual understanding. When we give our free consent to be lead by the Lord, miracles can and will follow.
Internal friendships grow up where there is that common allegiance to the Lord and an eager desire to learn the teachings of His Word and to live by them. It is often noted at reunions that such friendships seem to just pick up where they left off. The truth is that they have been sustained by common loves and beliefs that are beyond time and space. There are many such friends in the other world ready and eager to welcome Barbara. The sphere of that reunion will dwarf those we know here, for the internal bonds of support and love will be even more manifest.
But such reunions depend upon more than simple obedience. Through such things as regular reading of the Word and family worship our memories like the water pots in the story may become filled with knowledges even to the top. We may not see how to apply much of what we have learned. But we know that in going regularly to the Word we are doing what the Lord has told us to do.
Later the time comes when we draw out one serving at a time. For the sake of serving others -- for the sake of use! When we draw out that knowledge little by little, and share it in life, it becomes spiritually true with us. We see its lasting value. The Lord in His wisdom has not set forth the good wine first, but rather saved it until we have learned to serve and cooperate with Him. Then the truth can be appropriated to us for our use both here and in heaven. It is appropriated because we have cultivated a deep affection for it.
Musical art expresses affection (HH 241:e). As an expression of affection in its own way music mirrors the expression of affection we seek in life. When confronted with a new piece of music we put our confidence in it and in effect say to ourselves, whatever this score says we will do it. We put our confidence in the integrity of the composer, even as in life we put our confidence in the Lord. In the beginning we pay close attention to just what the notes say; we simply obey them. But if we really enter into the composer’s love, and really try to draw out what he has in mind, the music becomes an expression of love. We even say that the music plays us. When it does, it enables us to communicate affection to our neighbor in a special way.
Barbara loved to share her gift of a beautiful voice with others. She treated it as a gift from the Lord, and used the music she loved to communicate affection for Him. Many of us recall the inspiration of her voice in regular worship, on occasions such as this, or at marriages. She particularly loved those songs where the affectional tones of the music were married to the Divine wording of the Scriptures. Her singing was not a performance but a gift from the heart. Though the time came when she could no longer sing, her love of music never waned. That love, as all her loves, is still with her. We can imagine her giving voice to it again, where all make a joyful noise unto the Lord, and serve Him with gladness.
But not all music is religious. Sometimes Barbara lent her voice to express humor in musicals or plays. We can take ourselves too seriously. We need the re-creative balance that humor provides. Humor and entertainment have their place in heaven, restoring the mind and heart for a return to active service to the neighbor. And Barbara is taking a good sense of humor with her to the other world.
The pattern in music is the human pattern of growth. It involves step-by-step learning to express and share love with others. There is a similar pattern in marriage for true marriage love grows together with religion. When we do whatever the Lord says, and we draw out and apply whatever we see clearly in His Word, then He can provide even to such as us, states of innocence and peace. And we can walk confidently with our partners feeling an inmost friendship, which cannot even be compared to other friendships. But married partners also need to be able to laugh together. For example, they need to see the humor in their children’s behavior even as they try to touch their hearts with thought and trust in the Lord.
But growing marriages also know times when the relationship is spiritually drained. Such times can, if we let them, stimulate us to recognize our need for the Lord. Very early we need to learn to bring the Lord into our marriages – not our limited human notions of how we would like Him to be, not a Mary human, but the Lord Jesus Christ, in His Divine Humanity. We may not see Him clearly, but we must see enough to inspire the confidence that says, “Whatever He says, we will do it in our marriage.”
It is touching for us to learn that Barbara’s last word in this world was, “Marlyn.” It reminds us that when two people really love each other, it is only the appearance that one has gone before the other. We read, “The two are still not separated, after the death of the one, since the spirit of the deceased dwells continually with the spirit of the one not yet deceased, and this even until the death of the other, when they meet again, and reunite themselves, and love each other more tenderly than before because in a spiritual world.” (CL 321) This is what the Lord says to us, and with reflection this tells us what to do when one partner is called before the other. It is really a call to keep on trying to do what they have been trying to do all along. We are taught that weeping means the last farewell as when we weep at the death of one we love, even though we know that they are still alive in the other world (see AC 4565).
When one partner sheds their natural body like a glove it can, for a time leave the other partner feeling spiritually drained, empty, alone and even useless. But the answer to that feeling is the same as it has always been when their partner was here: Look to the Lord TOGETHER. There is every reason to keep on trying to respond to Mary’s words and do whatever the Lord says. And there is every reason to keep on filling our memories with regular reading from His Word. We read, “When a man who has heavenly love reads the Word, he is through it conjoined with heaven, and through heaven with the Lord, whereby he has enlightenment and instruction.” (AC 9382:3) Reading the Word and applying it brings the presence of the angels and we believe the presence of the special one he loves. There is every reason to draw out from the storage pots of our memories whatever we see clearly and apply it to serve others. That will lead to enlightenment and instruction.
Similarly “if a man prays from love and faith… there then comes forth in the prayer something like a revelation which is manifested in the affection of him that prays, as to hope, consolation, or a certain inward joy.” (AC 2535) Manifest in affection! Which comes from his association with those in the other world. Such a person will discover that he is not really empty, alone, or useless.
Every detail of human life is under the loving care of the Lord and can be turned to good. The Lord has permitted or provided a state where the spirits of two who love each other dwell together even though physically separated by death. Despite the appearance of separation, in the eyes of Providence that state is to be constructive and turned to lasting use. We read, “When married partners tenderly love each other they have the eternal in their thoughts respecting the covenant, and nothing at all of its end by death; and if they think of this they grieve, and yet in thought are comforted with the hope of its continuance after death.” (CL 216) For those who love each other there is one continuous path of life, and the Lord will show it to them and strengthen them in it every step of the way.
The Lord has a miracle in store for those who become faithful servants – a miracle like that long ago in Cana. The good wine saved until the last, will never diminish. As their understanding and love for the Lord grows together, the miracle of eternal life will become a reality for them. And in harmony together they will sing a new song in the Lord’s name.

It's my mommy, and I'll cry if I want to....

2008-09-16T09:58:00.004-04:00

Wow. That was fast. For most of her life, when mom got an idea into her head, she was off like a jack-rabbit to act on it. It was part of the difficulty as she grew less and less able---she forgot to take things slowly. Then she'd fall. It was her last big fall that did it. She just couldn't bounce back from that one.

I don't know how much mom realized she was leaving. But she sure went quickly, when the time came! I had begun to pack to go see her when the call came. Dad and the two oldest siblings were with her. One moment she was there; the next, she was not.

So, we cry.

Grieving is such a personal thing. I don't think our culture is very comfortable with it. I've gotten a few, "Don't cry. She's happy now," messages, which puzzle me.

Crying is a normal, healthy response to loss. It just comes when it comes. And when it is done, it stops, and I get on with what I was doing.

"Don't cry," seems like such a strange thing to say. I find, "Awww. Yeah. Let it out..." much more helpful.

Don't remind me that she's happy now and free of pain. I know that. That very good thing doesn't cancel out or negate the loss. Both are true. I alternate between tremendous relief knowing that she is free, and big sobs of the shock of it all. no matter how much we wanted her free of pain, it means she is gone. Period.

My mommy is gone. There. Then not there. Poof. Just like that. It is a shock.

So I'll cry if I want to.

"Love and Gratitude"
by Shirley Holzer Jeffrey

The agony is so great...
And yet I will stand it.
Had I not loved so very much,
I would not have hurt so much.
But goodness knows I would not
Want to diminish that precious love
By one fraction of an ounce.
I will hurt.
And I will be grateful to the hurt,
For it bears witness to
The depth of our meaning
And for that, I will be
Eternally grateful.

“Why Is My Pain Unceasing?” - Dealing With Despair

2008-09-03T01:50:00.006-04:00

I preached this sermon, thinking it was not one of my better ones.
Afterwards, several people told me it was just what they needed to hear and very good. Who knew? God was doing some good work despite me.

So, as many folks I know and love are going throught some pretty rough stuff, I will post this.
I dedicate it to my mom, who is in the process of leaving this world.

“Why Is My Pain Unceasing?” - Dealing With Despair
Jeremiah 15:15–21, Matthew 16:21–28
By Alison Longstaff
St. James Lutheran Church, New Dundee, Ontario
Sunday, August 31, 2008

One nice thing about pain is that it feels so good when it stops.

The reason my pain is unceasing is that I recently started Ashtanga yoga, and I can barely move. But that is not why we are here today.

In our Scripture readings, we heard a lot about suffering. We heard a pain-filled cry to God to end the suffering in Jeremiah. In the gospel reading, Jesus is warning the disciples about the terrible suffering he will endure. Peter objects, and Jesus shouts at Peter, “Get behind me, you Satan!” in a shocking, very un-Jesus like moment. He says, “You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things.”

Peter was the voice of the tempter when he declared that such suffering and death should never happen to Jesus. Jesus knew it was imperative to focus on the spiritual work about to be accomplished and not on the suffering. He had to focus on His Divine mission and not be distracted. Perhaps Peter was the voice of the demon attacking Jesus, trying to convince Jesus to opt out of the suffering. This would explain the intensity of the rebuke.

Jesus had to keep his eyes set on the Divine to accomplish his mission.

Life on this earth includes suffering. Even here in North America, with our health-care and insurance policies, relative wealth and myriad safety measures, we can’t seem to escape suffering. We often think we shouldn’t have to suffer. We keep creating more ways to protect ourselves, as if constant comfort and total security were the answer to all our problems.
So why are we still so restless and unhappy?

Some of the countries that rank highest for overall national happiness are places like Nigeria and Bhutan. What’s that about? Nigeria suffers from extreme poverty, and many people live in mud huts. How can they possibly be happier than us? Well, it seems they have a deep reliance on God. They are a very Christian country, and they live their faith in every way they can. They are desperately poor, yet they sing and pray and share the little they have with each other, and they are happy.

Toronto journalist Jonathan Power interviewed Olusegun Obasanjo, a Nigerian who became a Christian and a preacher after being unjustly imprisoned. In his three years of captivity, Obusanjo became a sort of chaplain to his fellow prisoners. He says, “The time I had real joy in my life was when I was in prison. I felt then that there was just God and me, and my fellow prisoners whom I must try and help." Extreme hardship robs us of everything- but God. Perhaps this is why some of the most loving and deeply spiritual people are also people who have suffered great hardship.

In the midst of the deepest suffering God becomes all we have left, and this breaks ground for a deep and rich faith to grow. I’m not saying we should all chuck our current lives and go live in a third-world country so as to really suffer so we can experience God. Suffering finds us, no matter where we live. I am saying that it is good to remember that suffering can be our greatest teacher. God wouldn’t allow anything to happen if it didn’t serve some purpose for good. So even the painful times in life---perhaps especially the painful times---are carefully overseen by God to deepen us and eventually bring us joy.

My one objection to books and philosophies like The Secret and A Complaint-Free World is the way they can promote the idea that we are solely responsible for what happens to us in our lives. The idea is that if we cultivate a good attitude, we invite good things into our lives, and that we invite misfortune by having a bad attitude. The logical conclusion to this is that if we just work hard enough to have a great attitude, nothing bad will happen to us. But if it were true, those Indonesians must have had one bad attitude to invite that tsunami onto them. Every victim of every tragedy could be blamed for their misfortune. I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way.

No, such a philosophy falls too easily into a judgmentalism toward the suffering. “It must be their fault. If only they were positive like me, they’d be okay.” This is a lie. It demonstrates a strong reliance on one’s own efforts for “salvation,” and no reliance on God.

My mom has been in chronic physical pain for over twenty-three years. She has fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis, which means “everything hurts.” And she has depression. (Well, duh. Poor thing. Who wouldn’t?) She’s on all sorts of medicines, which have their own strange side-effects and cause other problems. I don’t know how she manages. I can’t hack chronic pain for even a day. I get grumpy and whiney and can be very impatient when waiting for my next dose of pain reliever. But twenty-three years?! Did I mention that she also gets regular migraines? She has tried every treatment in the world, from steroids to vitamins to acupuncture to moose meat, and nothing helps.

I love her. I don’t want her to suffer. Sometimes I get really impatient with her. (Surely she’s doing something wrong!) I judge her for not trying hard enough or not trying the right things long enough. My judging comes from how hard it is to see her in pain. But my judging her never helps. My impatience never helps. Again and again, the best and only thing I can do for her is to love her to bits, and spend time with her, and believe with my whole heart that God has a plan. Period.

Have you ever heard someone say, in the midst of some awful situation, “I suppose God has a lesson for me,” as if he or she could stop the suffering, if they could just figure out what the lesson was and learn it? But I don’t think God works this way. I don’t think God ever sends suffering. I think God allows it sometimes, only when He can bring some long term good out of it for everyone involved.

Has my mom been suffering for twenty-three years because there is some lesson she is refusing to learn? I can’t believe that. She’s doing the best she can. She just got dealt a rotten hand. She didn’t invite this onto herself any more than my classmate’s two-year-old son invited death from liver cancer onto himself. Terrible stuff just happens.

Yes, a positive attitude can greatly improve certain aspects of our lives, and can spin off some nice side effects. Optimism and hope are our wings, and when we have them, they lift us up and over a multitude of life’s hurdles. But sometimes, through no fault of our own, our wings get plucked or broken. Sometimes a hoard of locusts swoops down on that rich and thick harvest of positive thinking and in a heart-beat, strips it to dead stalks. Sometimes we are left walking or crawling down life’s dusty road, not flying, experiencing every bump and ditch and thorn and mud puddle. “The rain falls on the just and on the unjust,” says God in the Gospels. Or, to quote contemporary wisdom, “Shit happens.”

So we must set our minds on divine things, and not on human things.

There is so much in this life over which we have no control. There are all sorts of forces at work around us, and we are far less powerful than we think. Our thoughts are not God’s thoughts. We want a happy, comfy life now. God wants us to have a happy, comfy life for eternity.

We are part of a great tapestry. Stuff that looks bad to our eyes now, is allowed to happen because God sees a bigger picture. But don’t forget, God isn’t some cold, distant artist. When we suffer, God suffers along with us. He knows what it is like to be a mortal. He was one, in Jesus. Jesus suffered to bring a much better outcome for everyone down the road. But, just the way the disciples couldn’t see why Jesus allowed Himself to suffer, we often can’t see why we or our loved ones are allowed to suffer. We can’t see God’s plan, but it is there.

Shit happens, and not all the positive thinking in the world save us from it. No one is that powerful, no matter what we’d like to think. All twelve steppers can tell you that powerlessness is the first and most important thing to learn. We have to embrace and face life on life’s terms, not ours. Facing our powerlessness throws us finally and completely into God’s arms.

“Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed?” Set your mind on divine things, and not on human things. Spiritual growth, personal growth involve finding our relationship with suffering, not avoiding it. Why else would God invite us to take up the cross to follow Him? Jesus fought through temptation after temptation on his journey to the cross. He showed us the way. He showed us that it will come out all right, no matter how hopeless it looks.

God loves us desperately. He doesn’t want us to suffer. But sometimes the most loving thing He can do for us is to let us have our experiences, good and bad. Eliminating the struggle for us eliminates the joy and triumph we will feel when we finally arrive at the finish line. Suffering draws out good qualities in us like endurance, stamina, and patience. It frequently teaches us compassion and opens us up to the Holy Spirit. It is like spiritual roto-tilling, breaking up old and set things about us, turning us upside down and making room for new and wonderful things to flow in.

Suffering helps us more fully appreciate the truly good things in life. It also teaches us how precious are the times of peace and good fortune. We don’t take them so much for granted. Suffering deepens us, whether we like it or not. And it reminds us who’s really in charge of the universe, and that it’s not us. It teaches us to trust in God; and to set our sights on divine goals and not on human ones.

For those of you who are in the midst of suffering, take heart. Every single thing in life is in God’s hands. Not one hair of your head falls without notice. No matter how long the night may seem, the morning always brings new hope.

"Why is my pain unceasing,
my wound incurable,
refusing to be healed?

…They shall not prevail over you,
for I am with you
to save you and deliver you,
says the LORD.
I will deliver you out of the hand of the wicked,
and redeem you from the grasp of the ruthless." (Jer. 18,21)

Amen

Nigeria: Happiest Nation on Earth?
by Jonathan Power, Published on Monday, December 29, 2003 by the Toronto Star

Yoga

2008-08-06T20:15:00.007-04:00

So, my husband, Phil, started going to yoga. And as I'm not one to like being left out, I decided to join him. It's a good thing our teacher is so good- natured, because she has some pretty goofy, clumsy students on her hands now. She, of course, is slim and gorgeous, and looks fabulous in every pose, so I just pretend I look like her.
We go twice a week, and sweat like pigs (and look a little like pigs too). I think she won my heart, when at the end of the first class, she bent in a yogic bow honouring us and all her teachers, and as she bent low, she gave a little moan of pain....

Ahhh. She's human! Okay, I can work with her.

The first class was also filled with lots of skinny young things in spandex, and it took all my, "I'm beautiful just the way I am" self-talk to make it through the class. Since then, there have been a few older folks here and there, and students who show up in shorts and T-shirts, so that helps too.

And occasionally I can do something better than somebody else, which helps the bruised ego. Okay, yoga isn't about being better than others or looking good in spandex, or

being young; it's a spiritual discipline, that grows my relationship with myself and my body. But until I get really spiritual and ego-less, those are the things I notice the most.

So I've got lots of room for improvement. If you live in the Waterloo region and want

to take yoga from a great instructor, check out the teacher Asia Nelson. Or if you want to take the same class that I am, so you can definitely be with someone who won't make you insecure by how flexible and stylish I am, we take the Wednesday evening and the Saturday morning Ashtanga classes. http://www.pranalife.ca/.

Back on the Treadmill....Sigh!

2008-07-19T16:57:00.005-04:00

Well, I'm home from two weeks of travelling and attending and giving presentations, and it's time for me to get back to work. I am definitely hitting the "Why am I doing this?" phase of the journey.

I'm tired. I'm just tired. I've started an on-line course for one of my final important credits, and the readings bore me, the discussion questions bore me, and I took one look at the next assignment and said out loud, "You're kidding. Do I have to!?"

I am not in the mood for esoteric discussions on the nature of God! It's not the professor's fault. It is study-fatigue.

So. This is what this journey looks like too. Boredom. Study fatigue. Flagging vision. I feel so DONE with the preparation. I just want to get out there and DO.

Thanks for loving me anyway.... This too shall pass.

Home again

2008-07-16T15:11:00.014-04:00

Well, I'm home from the "Gathering Leaves" event in England. It was wonderful. I took absolutely no pictures, and am hoping that the many pictures my friends took will find their way to me eventually.

At the Newark airport, I looked up and rubbed my eyes to see dear friends Paul and Beryl Simonetti waiting for the same flight to England. After some mutual astonishment, we happily settled down together. Their seats ended up being right behind mine on the (packed and cramped) flight. They generously allowed me to share their rental car for the drive from Birmingham airport, and poor Paul patiently endured our cries of "turn here!" and "Close on the left!" and "Don't stop; we have the right of way!" etc. as we careened down the left side of the road and perilously navigated the high-speed round-abouts. (I think God creates special guardian angels just for foreign drivers on English soil.)

Purley Chase was wonderful, and I highly recommend it as a low-cost, warm, centrally located spring-off point for touring central England. Anne is a trained chef, and the food was fantastic. Purley also runs many spiritual retreats, and hosts events for reasonable rates. It is near Stratford and Warwick Castle, and many other sights. Tell them Alison Longstaff sent you.

Before our event, Paul and Beryl and I spent a lovely day at Warwick Castle, a wonderfully preserved medieval castle. We saw a show about eagles and hawks, full of dry British humour and real birds of prey. We climbed up some steep spirally stairs to a magnificent view across England. And we got thiroughly haunted by the resident ghost. Lots of fun.

I am now jet-lagged, and feeling much older than I am, but the trip was worth it.

With luck, more about the actual event later, with pictures.

Jolly England

2008-07-09T11:41:00.007-04:00

I certainly have been lazy updating this blog.

I am fresh back from Convention and am now in the middle of England at Purley Chase Retreat Centre, preparing for the upcoming "Gathering Leaves" which starts on Friday.

http://www.purleychasecentre.org.uk/

It is green and wet and rainy, and the folks are lovely. It's just myself and the staff. (I'm very early.)

Coincidentally, I discovered Paul and Beryl Simonetti at the Newark airport, waiting to get on the same flight. They sat immediately behind me on the plane. We couldn't have planned it better. So I was saved having to find and ride two busses (and a lot of walking in the rain) because they offered me a ride in their rental car. Tomorrow we will go see Warwick (sp?) castle. They are at a B&B in the area.

I hope to take pictures, etc, but right now I'm surprised I can even finish these sentences....

The Mother Clothed with the Sun

2008-05-11T15:25:00.009-04:00

(artwork by Anna K. Cole)

"The Mother Clothed with the Sun"
Alison Longstaff
Pentecost Sunday, May 11th, 2008
Church of the Good Shepherd
Acts 2: 1-4, Rev 12: 1-9,13-16

Well, I set myself a tall order when I accepted the preaching gig for today. There are three themes going on for us this week: first, it is Mother’s Day, which though secular, does have certain spiritual overtones; this is also Pentecost Sunday, which is celebrated throughout most of the Christian world and is considered the birthday of the Christian church; and finally, in connection to the birth of Christianity and uniquely Swedenborgian, we are beginning the build up toward the birthday of the New Church which happens in just over a month, and which Swedenborgians celebrate on the 19th day of June.

So, how do I combine Pentecost—with it’s rushing winds and tongues of fire—with gentle, loving Mothers’ Day and June 19th?

For me, the logical way to tie all of it together is with the image of the woman clothed with the Sun. In the text from the book of Revelation this woman gives birth, which makes her a mother—a mother clothed with the sun, making her perhaps one of the most beautiful mothers found in the Bible. She is clothed with the sun, which means (in Swedenborgian terms) that she radiates love. The natural sun is pure fire, and it represents God’s love to us: the same love that filled the disciples at Pentecost and urged them to go out and spread this love throughout the world. That is why tongues of fire appeared above their heads. They were lit from within by God’s love for the human race and all of creation. And that is why they could speak in every language, because God’s love crosses all cultural barriers and longs to sweep all peoples into his loving embrace.

So, who is this Mother Clothed with the sun, and what meaning does she convey? To start with, she probably represents the same thing that all princesses, damsels, and wise women represent in all the fairy tales—she represents all that is soft and beautiful, nurturing and life-giving in the human spirit. She represents all the gentleness, compassion, and tenderness that typify the archetypal Mother. No, we flesh and blood mothers never achieve such a perfection of gently beauty. We are clumsy and goofy and we get zits. We have PMS and bad hair days, and each of us has our emotional and spiritual stuff that we have to work through—which means we often fall seriously short of motherly perfection. But that’s not the point. We still honour motherhood, today and every day, for the loving care our mothers did achieve, and for that incredible, God-given, self-sacrificing love that we have all seen and long for and cherish in our human community.

In Swedenborg’s writings we discover that this Mother clothed with the Sun represents "the church." But be careful: "church" here does not mean the specific religious group we belong to or even more abstractly, organized Christian religion. The Mother clothed with the sun represents the great collective of all the good people on the earth who are trying to live good and conscientious lives. This collective crosses all denominational boundaries. And any one group that claims they are IT, has missed the boat. In particular, the woman clothed with the sun represents all those people who are able to incubate, nurture and give birth to a healthy, living understanding of what it means to live a life according to God’s Word, which means God’s love. Sometimes, that is you and me. And most specifically, this woman represents God’s love. She radiates such love that the only way to describe her is "clothed with the sun." Have you looked at the sun lately? It can be blinding in its brilliance.

So, in our story from Revelation we have a beautiful damsel in distress, she is in labour, which is probably the most vulnerable time ever in a woman’s life. And right then a dragon appears! (I hate it when that happens)—a big red one with seven heads and ten horns. This dragon’s sole intent is to eat up the tiny new baby. That’s just creepy. What is this dragon doing in God’s Word? What message is it telling us about our human struggle to become loving people? This dragon is identified as "Satan" which in Hebrew means "Tempter" or "Adversary." The dragon represents all the things that distract us from God’s love and make us afraid. The dragon is a natural side-effect of being born not omniscient, not omnipotent, and not omnipresent. We can’t help it. We just get afraid. We worry about things, and then we try to control things and manipulate people so that we won’t be hurt. And we tend to invent formulas and rules and we think they will be our salvation. We are scared of the dark, and we line up our defences so we’ll be safe. We can’t help but be sure that there is a monster under the bed. We are afraid to trust God. We are afraid to love. Loving can feel WAY too vulnerable.
God knew this is what we would do, and that’s why the dragon is in the story. It’s not a warning; it is just what we do while we are learning. The dragon continues to be in the story and cause problems until it is no longer in the story. Eventually we stop being afraid and we stop trying to control things and we open up to love. God knows this will happen too. That is why the dragon disappears from the story, never to be seen again. The dragon never wins. In the end, fear never wins.

There are many theories out in the world about this dragon, with most of them full of fear, and asserting that this dragon is or will be some specific earthly organisation at a set time in history doing some bad things. *Sigh.* The eternal and timeless nature of God’s love and God’s Word is never so limited and specific. God’s Word speaks to all humans of all time, and is uniquely designed to do so. No one story, not even one abstruse and fantastical prophecy in the Bible is secretly about helicopters or bar codes or which nation controls the land west of the Jordan river. God’s Word is incapable of being so limited. The Bible is about spiritual human dynamics. It is about the individual journey of the human heart towards God. It is about our struggle to learn to trust God and trust the process. We don’t need to be afraid of any story in the Bible. Even the number 666, or "the mark of the beast" is simply describing the nature of religion when it stops teaching love. When we are loving, we embody the best of what is human. But when we forget compassion and loving-kindness, when we think we need to be afraid and to judge and to make religion about rules and a certain lifestyle, we look more like a beast. We become inhuman. The number 666 is a simple spiritual representation of "getting it all wrong." 666 means we completely missed the boat. *Buzzer sound* "Try again. " And the beauty is, we can.

Yes, sometimes we are the beast. Sometimes we are the dragon, but God’s plan is for each of us eventually, finally, and completely to become a part of the enormous, beautiful, blindingly radiant woman clothed with the sun.

So, in our story, right on cue, the brave knight shows up to rescue the princess, or in this case, to rescue the new mother. There is a great battle with swords and everything. Swords are "truth" or in this case remembering that love and compassion are the heart of the life of religion. You and I battle the dragon with our swords when we hold fast to the thought, "I am to treat each person with loving respect because he or she is a child of God." Period. The dragon and his thinking would say something like: "There are the right sort of people and the wrong sort of people. I don’t respect the wrong sort because they believe such-and-such, or they wear such-and-such, or they like such-and-such.... Those people are the problem and I am okay so long as I reject them." I would guess we’ve all been on both the giving as well as on the receiving end of such an attitude from time to time. It is no fun. It does not feel good. It does not feel like God.
Fortunately, the dragon has no power over God’s love. It is finally cast out of "heaven" in the story, which means we eventually really, really learn that the fearful, judging way of doing religion doesn’t produce heaven in our lives. We really get that it doesn’t belong anywhere near heaven. That is when the dragon is cast out of heaven.

This arc in the Bible that tells the story of the Mother clothed with the Sun and the Great Red Dragon has a sort of muddled, repetitive nature to it. It seems like the dragon is cast out for good, only to show up again and make more problems. There’s something familiar-sounding in that. Isn’t that how it so often goes in our lives? We think we’ve licked something, and then it shows up again in a slightly new form and all the trouble starts again. That’s just the way things go on this epic journey. It’s not our fault. It’s the shape of things. Maybe it’s in the Bible, not to tell us we are losers, but to give us heart.

Remember, the Bible is also the story of the journey Jesus made on his path from human infant to Divine Human. That means even Jesus had to battle this spiritual dragon, and it didn’t want to go away for him either. I think we see it when the devil promises him "Just bow down to me, and all the world will be yours." It must have been very tempting to want to simply force us all to be good—to take control, to remove the process and zap us all into instant perfection. We can be so slow to learn! And we do such horrible things to each other in the process! We did such horrible things to Jesus. He must have been tempted to simply eliminate all the struggling and pain and suffering.

But He also knew that to do that would not be the most loving thing, though that can be hard for us to understand. Eliminating the struggle for us also eliminates the overwhelming joy and triumph we will feel when we finally reach the end of the race. This spiritual journey is a marathon, and it is worth every drop of sweat and every ounce of stamina and patience and endurance. It draws these qualities out in us, and teaches us compassion. Good things take time. Very good things take a very long time. If it wasn’t worth the time it takes, God wouldn’t have created it the way it is.

So, on this lovely Mother’s Day, celebrate all the forms of love in your life. Honour everyone who has "mothered" you on your journey—old and young, male and female. Celebrate all the ways this church and others have been a spiritual mother to your spiritual life. And celebrate the good home this church has made—that we make for each other here by trying our best to be as fair and loving as we can be. And on this Pentecost Sunday, let the love of God so shine in your life, that you—that we all—can be clothed with the sun, if only for a little while.
God’s blessing on us all on this Pentecost, Mother’s day Sunday. Amen.

"Though the human body is born complete in one moment, the birth of the human heart is an ongoing process. It is being birthed in every experience of your life. Everything that happens to you has the potential to deepen you. All the possibilities of your human destiny are asleep in your soul. You are here to realize and honour these possibilities."
-John O’Donohue- Anam Cara (pp 6,9)

This blasted cough!

2008-04-06T13:07:00.007-04:00

When I committed to writing this blog, I committed to writing all the faces of my journey, even the less pretty ones.

Well, I have finished up two BIG sessions of training---my CPE and my six month internship---on pratically the same day, with great relief and triumph and excitement for the future! ("I will get my house clean and get in shape and catch up on my email and...")

And I promptly got obnoxiously, stubbornly SICK.

I descended into the cough from hell. Tickling, persistent, deep seated, exhausting. I cough and cough and cough and cough, feeling like I'm just, almost about to get at that tickling, and never quite satisfying it.

Agh!

I'm exhausted!

I'm so frustrated!

Nasal congestion joined the team and brought a sore throat along.
But it's the COUGH!

Somebody just shoot me.

I guess I need to make a lot of noise, and use up lots and lots of Kleenex.

I thought I had turned the corner Friday, but I'm back at it again today and wondering how much longer it can go on? I don't want to take anti-biotics, but I will if I have to. It's starting to remind me of when I had walking pneumonia....

Stink.

This is not what I wanted.

Internship farewell sermon: "I Believe"

2008-03-30T12:31:00.021-04:00

“I Believe”
Alison Longstaff, March 30th, 2008
St. James Evangelical Lutheran Church
New Dundee, Ontario
Psalm 16; John 20:19-31

Today we heard the story of Thomas—of the famous “doubting Thomas” who needed to see and feel and touch the risen Lord, in order to believe in His resurrection. Doubting Thomas, the one who needed proof, the one who prompted God to say, “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.”

Believe. Belief. What is belief? In our culture, we have come to define belief as “confidence in something’s accuracy.” It is a purely mental exercise which involves approval of something as true. “Belief” in Christian circles has taken on such an identification with the rightness of ideas that it has become pretty well divorced from our heart reality and how we live. Indeed, we Christians seem to be reduced quite easily to squabbles over minute differences in our theologies when we could be working in harmony to live and love better, to reduce the suffering on our planet. We seem to prefer to spend our time getting huffy and drawing up battle lines over our different theological interpretations. We kick the beggars into the ditch in order to make more room for us to fight. What ever happened to us beating our swords into plowshares?

Belief. The original meaning of “belief” was not so much about ideas or statements of truth as it was about love. The origins of the word “belief” can be traced back to Proto-Germanic, and it was based on a root word for love. The German word “liebe,” which means “love” comes from the same source. Indeed, “believe” could be translated into “be-love” which is much closer to what it really meant. It was about living what we loved. It was about committing to a way of life. The original Christians “believers” committed themselves to a life of love and service to their neighbours, not to a framework of theological theories. They committed to caring for the widows, the orphans, and the homeless because they loved the vision of a world transformed by such a life. They saw themselves in the homeless and widows, and they treated them as they would want to be treated. The way they lived was a commitment to the Golden Rule in every corner of their lives. How the meaning of the word “belief” has changed through the ages!

There is an old story from first century Palestine of a mischievous man who asked Rabbi Hillel, a famous rabbi of that time, to teach him Judaism while standing on one foot. So, while standing on one foot, Rabbi Hillel responded: "Don't do to others what you wouldn't have them do to you. That is all the Torah (God’s Word); all the rest is commentary.”
What a great story. I believe it speaks to all faiths of all time. Christianity can be simplified to the same basic tenet. It is about treating others as we would like to be treated.
What we are talking about is compassion. Compassion, which could be another translation for the “good will to all people” that is prophesied by the host of angels to the shepherds. Wouldn’t this indeed bring peace on earth, “good will to all people”? The Dalai Lama has stated: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” More than one scholar has observed that the fundamental uniting element of all the major world religions is the Golden Rule–to do unto others as we would have them do unto us. How would the world be different if only we all lived according to it!

Our rules and creeds and theological theories tend to divide us. Our hearts and love and human compassion tend to unite us. It is this realization that brings a whole new meaning to the Lord’s words to Thomas, “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.” It speaks to our tendency to be exclusive in our Christianity. It could be read as, “Blessed are those who have not met and come to love Jesus Christ as their Saviour and still have come to live a life of goodness and compassion.” Indeed, wouldn’t such people, be they Buddhist or Jewish or agnostic, by virtue of living the golden rule, find their lives and relationships transformed in blessed ways regardless of what religious organisation has their signature of membership? I would imagine their lives are certainly more peaceful than that of any Christian “believers” who are busy squabbling and fighting over points of dogma. Who would you say is more blessed?

And so it is with you and I, be we Swedenborgian or Lutheran or Baptist or Brethren, we will find we are blessed by living the Golden Rule, regardless of our denominational affiliation. People of faith the world over do not necessarily believe every word of their traditional creeds, but they belong because they long for a blessed life. They long for belonging, and for their lives to have meaning and purpose. We belong, because we need community and we long for meaning. Don’t we all, especially when we are feeling that our own efforts are getting us nowhere, long to believe that there is some transformative power for good in the universe that can set things right, because our efforts repeatedly fall short?

Author and speaker Karen Armstrong has found that when we commit to a spiritual way of living, we are transformed by that commitment and by the living of it. It is in the practice of living a way of love that brings transformation, that lets us glimpse God. It is through ministry to others that we can feel the sense of what is sacred. Just as we experience in the Holy Communion, a very mundane act can become transcendent, and we can feel God’s presence.

So, to believe, is to be love. “Believing” is not when I say with my lips how I understand God, but when I show with my hands and my feet how I understand God’s love in the world. Though this may sound very un-Lutheran, it isn’t at all. When we commit to living the Golden Rule, the process of doing so brings God’s grace into our lives. And I think every Lutheran would agree that confession of faith leads to a changed life, a kinder, more thoughtful, more intentional life—that they are not separate. My Lutheran classmates to a one say, if one’s lifestyle does not show God’s grace in action, one has not yet been transformed by it.

So, while our culture says “belief”means trust in certain ideas, we have seen that believing is not and cannot be separated from how we live and how we love. When we commit to living a compassionate or “Golden Rule” way of life, it changes us. Even when we are not sure if we “believe” as our parents or teachers say we should, living as if we believe opens our hearts and changes us, and we can be transformed into better and better people. This transformation helps us to believe, and this belief helps us keep living in more and more compassionate ways. We need to live as if we believe, and God does the rest. Or, “fake it till you make it.” Through believing, we are told, we will find life in Jesus’ name. We are to “be living” in His Name. As the terrified father of the demon-possessed boy says in Mark: “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” (Mark 9:24)

So, back to doubting Thomas. Doubting Thomas needed to see and feel God’s wounds in order to believe. I have tended to judge him for that. When I have heard this passage, I have liked to think I would be one of the blessed who believes without seeing, not the obnoxious one who needs proof. But the thing is, lately I realize how much I do identify with Thomas. Sometimes I want physical proof that my God has not died and is still with me. I would guess, whether we like to admit it or not, that we all go through this at some time or other in our lives. But perhaps this is why Thomas is part of the story. Perhaps he is exactly part of the story to reassure us and remind us that we are still lovable despite our doubts, because we all tend to have times of terrible doubt. Maybe it is okay to need a little personal attention from our God to get us through. Jesus doesn’t begrudge us anything if it will bring us closer to Him. He comes right to us where we are to show us his hands and feet and side if that is what we need. I have needed to learn not to judge myself for struggling to believe. Belief is such a struggle sometimes exactly because it is an action of the heart, not just the head. It is related to the word dis-couragement, which comes from the French word “coeur” for heart. When we are dis-heartened, God comes and en-courages us. He fills our hearts up again. He does whatever it takes.

Speaking of discouragement, or, at least things that are sad, today is my last Sunday here as your intern. I must say, it has been a great experience working with you and for you, and one I will never forget. It seems as if this placement was uniquely tailored to what I needed, almost as if the Holy Spirit had a hand in things. God knew what I needed. You welcomed me with warmth and acceptance even though I am not Lutheran, never treating me like I was strange, or like I was infected with some dangerous religious doctrines. You allowed me into your family with open arms and warmth, and it has been very healing. From where I’m standing, this congregation definitely lived the Golden Rule, welcoming a stranger into your home with warmth and hospitality. Thank you so much.

Goodbyes are hard. I tend to go numb and firmly insist that I will see you all again so that I won’t feel sad. The truth is, time passes faster than most of us would like, and I may not be able to come around nearly as often as I would like to. But I firmly believe—I love to believe this—that there is no time in the world of our hearts, and that whatever time passes in this busy physical world, we will remain connected in our hearts, and each time we meet again it will be as if no time has passed at all. Isn’t that how it always is with good friends? Goodbyes are just making room for new, joyful, hellos.
And goodbyes are rarely permanent. Following the theme of Easter, I hear I will rise to preach for you again in just one week. Bonnie will be on vacation and somebody thought it was a good idea to get me to come back to fill the pulpit as she rests. So, “Ha-ha! You can’t get rid of me that easily!” Or, “I’ll be back.”
So, goodbye, and hello. I will always love you guys. I will miss you. And I’m sure I’ll be back. In the mean time, thank you so much for your loving care. Amen.

“believe”. Dictionary.com. Online Etymology Dictionary. Douglas Harper, Historian. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/believe (accessed: March 26, 2008).

"Be A Blessing" sermon

2008-02-17T12:48:00.005-05:00

“And You Will Be A Blessing”
Alison Longstaff, February 17th, 2008
St. James Evangelical Lutheran Church
New Dundee, Ontario
Genesis 12: 1-4; John 3:1-17

“And I will make you a great nation, And I will bless you, And make your name great; And so you shall be a blessing;”

Of all the promises made in the Bible, this one is, perhaps, one of the most overlooked. And yet this promise of God to Abram—this promise of God to each of us from the very beginnings of our spiritual journey—is that Abram will be a blessing. That we will be a blessing. God promises to make Abram’s name great, and to make him a great nation, and to bless him—which is the part of the promise we tend to notice—fame and power and success. But perhaps the most important part of the promise is that God will make Abram a blessing.

You see, the Bible isn’t just a history book, it is God speaking to all people of all time reminding us that life is a journey. This book of our lives reminds us that God desires to give us every good thing, and that most of all, He wishes to transform our lives so that we may be a blessing.

If we look at the final book in the Bible, the Book of Revelation, it begins and ends with grace. It begins with “Grace be unto you and peace” and ends with “the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all, Amen.” Grace. God’s goodness. God’s loving-kindness. God’s blessing. The grace by which we are all blessed and transformed, and the only means by which we can be a blessing to others. It is the crowning jewel of our journey home. It is the real promised land. To be a blessing is the promise, and blessing and grace are at the finish line.

So here we are at the beginning with Abram in our story. He is seventy five years old. If it was you or I, I imagine at seventy five we are not so much in the mood for catastrophic change and upheaval. I’m forty six and would really rather not ever move house again, let alone move internationally. But as Abram was to live to one-hundred and seventy five, I guess this was more like his mid-life crisis. He was a mere sprightly seventy five!

In Swedenborgian theology, “Haran,” and “living in Haran,” is talking about early or primitive spirituality. It is the place we all start, the place we are born into but not meant to stay in. It is a relatively primitive and surface spirituality. It is not very developed yet. We are in Haran when we go to church because our parents make us, or because it is a habit, or because we want to see our friends, or because we like to be seen going to church. We live in Haran when we do not yet have a personal sense of connection with God or any real feeling of a need for God. It is our ancestral home and we are comfortable there. We all stay there until it is time to leave. We all stay there until God senses we are ready to move on and gives us a call and a promise.

In Swedenborgian theology, “seventy-five” means “not very holy.” Seven times ten means VERY holy, and five means, “not there yet.” We are not super-spiritual people when God first starts moving across the surface of our consciousness. But at some point in each of our lives, God starts to call us to do our spiritual work. For some of us, a mere whisper is all that is needed, for others a megaphone and some dynamite, but eventually, we are all called by God to do our spiritual work. Abram’s call to his journey is a reminder that God calls each of us to our spiritual journey.

God called Abram—notice that he is still called Abram here, not Abraham—the “H” sound is added to his and Sarai’s names only after they have gotten some of their spiritual journeying done, to show a mark of new holiness and a deeper level spirituality in their lives. “H” or the breath of God has entered their quality of being and so is reflected in their names. In any case, God called Abram to leave his family and his home and everything that was familiar in order to achieve the promised blessings, in order to become AbraHam. Even so with us, our spiritual journeying frequently involves stepping out of our comfort zones in order to become the blessing God would have us be.

This is where I bring in the detail that next Sunday is “bring a friend Sunday.” Raised in a tradition where the mind-set was, “we are the one true right religion and everybody should become one of us,” I remember carrying a somewhat acquisitive energy on “bring-a-friend" Sundays. There were good and innocent things about that, and some icky things about that too. The good and innocent things were, that it is natural and normal to want to share the things we love with others, and to want them to love them too. It is natural and normal to desire to have the people we love belong where we belong, so that we can enjoy more activities together. The icky thing about my energy at that time was that it was driven by a deep insecurity. I desired more and more people to join my church, because it would prove that my church was indeed the right and best church. I liked feeling more secure in my rightness, and I would feel more secure, the more members the church acquired.

Well, God finally got out the dynamite to move me from that attitude. I certainly needed to move from a shallow spirituality: “it is about being right” into a more mature one: “it is about God’s love.” God called me out of a personal “Haran.” Since moving on from that denomination, and since deciding that God is truly big enough to care for and save people in all traditions, I’ve really had to re-examine the purpose of “bring-a-friend” Sunday, no matter which church I am in. If it isn’t about being the best and the rightest denomination and recruiting people in, if it isn’t even necessarily about Christianity being the best and the rightest, what is the point of inviting people to church at all?

You may laugh, but this is a serious question for anyone newly journeying from Haran. Abram may have thought his call was so that he could be the biggest and the best, “And I will make you a great nation, And I will bless you, And make your name great;” . . . but God had another idea in mind the whole time: “And so you shall be a blessing.” Maybe our call to open our doors and hearts to new friends and strangers is the same, not to grow big and strong and show how great we are, but because we love to love other people—because God calls us to be a blessing.

It’s funny how long it took my brain to wrap around that one. “I’m to welcome people to church, because I, and my church, am/is to be a blessing?” It isn’t to get more people to join? It isn’t so people can see we are the best and want to become part of our congregation?

The truth is, if we are a blessing to those who come, if we extend genuine Christian hospitality, if we welcome and include and nourish and affirm and give respect to the stranger, we WILL draw new people in. It will be a natural side-effect. If this congregation grows in its desire to be a blessing, it will grow in numbers and become known as a pretty great little group. But the point is not to set out to be big or great, the point is to LOVE our neighbours, to be a blessing to each other within the congregation, and to the neighbours and strangers we encounter coming in the door. And the point is to love other congregations as our neighbours, not compete with them. Our job is simply to love God above all and to love our neighbours the way we want to be loved. It is the message again and again in God’s word. If we do these things, all the rest is added. All the rest—growing membership and prosperity may indeed be added, though it won’t matter, it will just be wonderful gravy on the lovely roast or yummy icing on the already delicious cake.

Now, I have a story to tell you. I was a stranger here not so long ago. My first Sunday here I wandered in and didn’t know a soul. I had told Bonnie I would be coming, but I don’t recall if we had even ever laid eyes on each other yet. Bonnie was lovely and welcoming, as was Jerry, but both of them were busy and I was pretty much on my own. I’ll never forget one lady who introduced herself, and spent some time talking to me. It was such a kindness! Such a relief! I was surrounded by strangers and I’d managed to find the coffee, and was fumbling along trying to talk to people, when this friendly woman reached out to me and spent some time with me. She was a blessing.

Her name and face will always be the first one in the congregation I remember because she saw me and welcomed me and made me feel more at home. I thought, “now there’s a friendly lady who knows how to reach out to strangers!” What’s interesting is, later I made a point of thanking this lady for reaching out to me, and she admitted that she considers herself shy and tongue-tied and no good at small talk! Well, she has a lot in common with Moses then, because regardless of how she views herself, God used her to reach out and welcome a stranger. I affirmed her doubly for her courage. It must have taken a lot to step out of her comfort zone to welcome a stranger. And it certainly meant a lot to me.

The truth is, scarcely a one of us really feels comfortable in a crowd making small-talk. And we tend to compare our insides to others’ outsides. Others look comfortable and at home and relaxed, while I feel neurotic and insecure, so they must be comfortable and happy and I’m the only one who wants to run home and hide. Meanwhile someone else is looking at me thinking I’m the comfortable and relaxed one.... So next Sunday, or even this one, there’s no excuse deciding you’re just shy and no good at small-talk. God may just be calling you to remember a stranger and extend a hand of welcome and inclusion. God may be calling you to be a blessing. Isn’t it what you would want if you were the stranger? So go up and say, “Hello”!

I remember going to my mother when I was a teenager, terrified of going to another painful highschool social event. I was agonizingly shy, and I hated standing in the crowds wondering what on earth to say to people. I never could think of anything smart or funny, and I suffered.

My mother said, “Look for someone who looks lonelier than you feel, and ask them questions about themselves.” It was some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten. I was to look for the stranger; I was to reach out to someone else, not to entertain and dazzle them, but to welcome and include them. I was to draw the other person out of themselves and hear about them, not show them how interesting I was. And the thing was, this advice did not just become a shallow formula for surviving awkward social events, it actually helped me meet some wonderful individuals and make some lasting friends. It has become a tool that has stood me in good stead for years and has helped me become really good at forgetting how shy I really am. It has helped me love other people. I have discovered that I genuinely enjoy hearing other people’s stories, and I have discovered that seeing the other as a blessing, tends to make me feel richly blessed too. Most people today are quite surprised to find out I am innately shy.

So here comes “bring a friend Sunday.” With it comes the opportunity to feel really uncomfortable and awkward as well as the opportunity to be a blessing. Like the woman who welcomed me on my first day, you may even accomplish both at the same time—you may feel like you are socially inept even as you are being a welcome presence of comfort and friendship to a lost and lonely soul. The truth is, every time we open ourselves to God’s call to leave our comfort zone for the sake of others, we open the space for the holy spirit to rush in and do its magical work. Every time we leave Haran because God called us, Abram can become AbraHam, a whole new being in God’s plan, touched by the holy spirit, destined to become a great nation, and most importantly, to be a blessing. Or, to be far less grandiose, “If I could do it, you can too. So get off your butts and be friendly.”
Amen.

The sermon from last Sunday

2008-01-30T10:36:00.000-05:00

“The Kingdom of Heaven Has Come Near”
Alison Longstaff, January 27th, 2008
St. James Lutheran, New Dundee
Isaiah 9: 1-4; Matthew 4: 12-23

Disclaimer #1 This sermon is not about our struggle. Instead, we will pause to pay attention to what God is already doing and being in our lives.
Disclaimer #2 I frequently use the male pronoun when referring to God. Please do not assume that I am saying that God is male and male only. I am not yet skilled at the linguistic gymnastics required to speak of a very human, loving, and personal God without using a personal pronoun or sounding really stilted and odd. So, if my language offends, please feel free to translate it into whatever language works for you. God made us all in His/Her image. Absolutely no one is left out or “less-than” in God’s kingdom.
Disclaimer #3 The opinions expressed below are not necessarily the opinions of the Lutheran church. Please feel free to consult your local pastor for clarification of any questions that may arise.
Now, to begin.
“The Kingdom of Heaven has come near.”
These were the final words of our Gospel reading today: “The Kingdom of Heaven has come near.” What feelings does that phrase evoke in you? “The Kingdom of Heaven has come near.”
When I first read it, it evoked a sort of shivery awe. It was as if my spirit became quite still, and my eyes and ears opened wide and started looking around. There was a kind of inner excitement and anticipation. “The Kingdom of Heaven has come near? Where!”
But on another day, it might bring up quite another response in me. After all, the full phrase is: “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven has come near.” And on days when I feel like a failure, and when I doubt my ability to be at all worth saving, my response might be rather to pull the blankets up over my head and whimper, “please go away.” I wouldn’t want the Kingdom of Heaven to come near me. I would be too sure that the “Kingdom of Heaven” would simply highlight all my warts and failings in contrast and remind me how unworthy I was. Who would want that?
But I’m speaking primarily to Lutherans, and Lutherans in particular are very good at remembering that God is a God of love and Grace, not judgment. Right?
Well, whatever we feel or believe, I bet we could all agree that God probably doesn’t want us cringing and cowering away from His outreaching love. He does NOT want us to think of Him, and expect a beating. What loving parent would ever want their child to respond to them in that way? No, I think, when God draws near, when the kingdom of heaven draws near, God surrounds us and lifts us up in love.
So, having said this, why would God say, “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven has come near”? The traditional understanding of this is, “get your act together. Comb your hair, clean your room, shine your shoes, because God is coming over today.” And that is a perfectly appropriate and understandable interpretation of it. Another interpretation of it is, “Buddy, you’d better get your act together now, because if you don’t, you’re toast.”
Well, having been raised under the heavy weight of the latter interpretation, with a hefty side serving of “and frankly, you’re the equivalent of a dung-fly, so you may not even be capable of measuring up, but you’d better try,” I’m looking for a more redemptive interpretation. Where is God’s love in such a statement?
What if we turn it on its head? I do know witnesses say that when God draws very near to us, rather than producing shame in us, we will feel an all-encompassing peace and are filled with overwhelming love. Anyone who has felt this great love, this transformative, redemptive, passionate delight, cannot help but be changed. Given one taste of God’s love, and one is forever changed, which is another way of saying one “repents.” So, another way---the grace way---to read today’s text would be, “The Kingdom of Heaven is coming near, and you will be transformed.”
I think that’s a pretty friendly way to read this text. It doesn’t invalidate other readings. It simply speaks to God’s side of the relationship. Being changed by God’s love is just as genuine a repentance as any shame-filled, hand-wringing litany of all the ways we’ve messed up. The “shame-filled, hand-wringing litany of all the ways we’ve messed up” is closer to the idea of repentance I was raised with. Perhaps the clergy assumed we were all arrogant, thick-skinned meat heads, that needed a lot of pounding to tender us up. But some of us start out tender to begin with, and a gentle hand is more than enough to guide us down the path of kindness. In any case my personal theology has concluded that Repentance means “re-thinking.” Repentance means seeing things in a whole new way. Repentance doesn’t have to involve feeling bad and beating ourselves up. It might, but it doesn’t have to.
So, Repentance means seeing things in a whole new way. Why else would Scripture say, “the people who walked in darkness, have seen a great light?” We all start out walking in darkness. This isn’t about some group over there. This is said to all of us. This is a prophecy. “The people who walked in darkness, have seen a great light.” God will enter our lives, and we will eventually all see things in a whole new light. For each of us, each differently, the kingdom of heaven will draw near, and we will be changed. Upon each of us, the light does indeed shine.
Now, let’s take some time to reflect on if and when God may have drawn near in our lives so far. Sometimes an encounter with the divine is quite profound, sometimes so very gentle that it might be described as a whisper into our consciousness, or a “still, small voice.” So let’s stop and reflect: what has happened to you in your lifetime, that you may have felt, or maybe thought you sensed something quite extraordinary move near?
Let’s sit with this a moment.
I had such an experience last week when I attended my first “Code Blue” at the hospital. I stood with another chaplain just outside the room watching the emergency team labour to revive an older gentleman who’s heart had stopped beating. I was surprised to discover that instead of anxiety, I was filled with a sense of overwhelming beauty. The absolute focus and silent respect of the medical team, and the prolonged endurance of their fight to bring this gentleman’s spirit back into his body was so profoundly beautiful. It was as if they were also an honour guard standing in respect, at the passing of a great leader. All the while I had an indescribable sense that the man was somewhere up above, watching the whole show, not the least bit upset, and hand in hand with the wife who had gone before him and had been waiting for him. Call me fanciful. But as I passed through that experience, I shivered and got goose bumps.
It turned out the gentleman did indeed pass on to be with his wife. The medical team ceased their efforts and called the time of death. Then it was time for the pastoral team to move to support of the grieving family.
Celtic spirituality uses the term, “thin places” to describe physical locations where they believe that the veil between the spiritual realm and the physical world are particularly thin. Pilgrims seek these places out in Scotland, Ireland, and England in search of a spiritual encounter, or a new direction, or a new sense of self or mission.
I don’t know if we have to go anywhere to seek out the thinning veil. In my experience, it finds us. Did I sense a thinning of the veil when that man passed through? I don’t know. I do believe the thinning veil happens all the time, though we generally don’t have ears to hear or eyes to see it. Maybe there are places on the earth where it is easier to sense things on the other side. But most people I know have had some experience where they sensed a divine presence, or felt there was something deeper and sacred overlaying a quite ordinary experience, regardless of where they were on the planet. And I believe this sort of experience is indeed heaven drawing near, no less and no more. I also believe that God guides even whether we are open or not open to such encounters, so we are not doing something wrong if we don’t have such experiences often. I don’t think we need to stress about any of it, just simply sit in stillness and awe if it happens to us.
In our culture, we tend to dismiss such happenings. We tend to doubt our own inner experiences, even the most profound. Why is that? Well, one reason might be that such spiritual events, such divine encounters leave no evidence, they leave nothing scientifically measurable as proof of their passing. They leave only a mark on our hearts—not our physical heart muscle, but—on our spiritual heart, on our love. We can’t measure such experiences or record them or photograph them or get a certificate of authenticity for them. So we tend to dismiss them.
But also, when God draws that close, and touches our hearts, it can be so intimate that we may not want to talk about it for quite awhile. We may scarcely dare to acknowledge it to ourselves, let alone anyone else. We know just how ready the world is to mock stories of such experiences, to scourge them and crucify them. So it is understandable that we tend to keep such experiences quietly to ourselves.
With that said, let me reassure you that nobody needs to raise their hands, just answer quietly inside yourself, have you ever sensed the kingdom of heaven drawing near? Perhaps you think you never have, and maybe that is true. If it is, that is nothing to stress about either. We are all made differently, and God designed each one of us, perfectly formed for the task he has in mind for us. Some of us are particularly sensitive to such things, some less so.
I consider myself rather dense to spiritual reality. Of the few experiences I have had, all but one could be written off as a fanciful imagination. God protects even my freedom to believe in them or not. But I do know, that whatever these experiences are—that so many of us have and are afraid even to admit to ourselves—they leave us changed. We’re never quite the same afterwards. And when such an experience passed us by, we may have found ourselves covered in goose bumps, or felt our heart racing, or felt slightly shaky. We may have seen things or heard things a little out of the ordinary. It isn’t always just “a bit of undigested beef.”
And think about it, if God loves us so much that He was willing to die for us, if God says He is always knocking and all we have to do is open our hearts, then maybe, just maybe, the kingdom of heaven is a lot nearer than we ever imagined, and that the little thrill that you felt as you watched the candles being lit, or your baby sleep last night, or the way the light fell across the fields when you drove in here, wasn’t just a nice feeling, but God’s hand, brushing the hair out of your eyes. Maybe, just maybe, God is very close indeed, just waiting for the day we open your eyes and look Him full in the face and smile.
The kingdom of heaven is drawing nearer all the time, and we do not need to be afraid of it. All we need to do is allow it to be so, and trust that God has our future for good in His sights. Repent? Of course we repent! If you are like me, I’m always thinking and rethinking whether I’m good enough or doing the right thing. I can’t help it. God might just wish I worried less about whether I’m good enough, not more. But in any case, I do know this, that just like the light is already growing stronger daily on our good land even though it is only January, and winter still holds us tight in her grip, our spiritual spring is well on its way too, and we can see it in our glimpses of the light of God’s love for us, and the warm feelings that stir whenever He draws near.
As we leave this place of worship today and head out into the ordinary life of another work week and school week, lets see if we can be a little more attentive to the whispers of God’s presence in our lives. Let’s see if we can notice the brush of His robes, the whir of angels wings, and the warmth of his steadying hand in our lives, and be comforted, for the kingdom of heaven is indeed drawing near. This minute, right now, God is near.
Amen.

Live Nativity

2007-12-18T14:48:00.000-05:00

I directed the live nativity in New Dundee this year. We made do with dress-ups and bathrobes and pillow-cases. Many of the actors have winter coats on under their costumes, and you can see Mary's hands fisted against the cold.

There was something quite charming about the rustic setting. We were in a real, modern-day farm shed.

That is actual ice gleaming on the wooden backdrop.

Yes, some of the Wise Men forgot to take off their glasses, and one has black leather gloves on. But the spirit in the room was warm, and many folks loved it just the way it was.

If it was all about perfection, Jesus wouldn't have been born in a stable, would He?

So, enjoy these images, and have a Merry Christmas.

Christmas Letter

2007-12-18T11:56:00.000-05:00

Tis the season for our Christmas letter. Here it is, such as it is.

I put it out with great love, and the firm desire that I could sit down and have a long, heart-to-heart chat with you and really catch up.

www.CliffsideChapel.com/Christmas2007.htm

Blessings this Christmas.
Alison

Feeling

2007-12-18T11:28:00.000-05:00

Today I am too tired to keep running. There's so much to do before Christmas. But my spirit is begging me to stop and sit for awhile. So I have done this, and I am feeling.

I think that that is a huge part of why I work so hard to fill my life with so much activity---so I won't feel.
When I stopped today, I felt very sad. There have been so many losses, and I don't want to feel them.
We've lost home in the deepest sense of the word.
So if I sit, I start crying. Who wants to do that? No wonder I keep so busy!
But all the psychologists say it is good for me to feel my feelings, so today I am doing that.

Our dear former pastor and his wife are having an exceptionally hard year. They are suffering. There's nothing we can do to help but stand by and love them and pray for them.
Perhaps all the feelings are catching up to them too.

It being the Christmas season simply intensifies the feelings. It is a time of celebration for so many. On the flip side, it is a time of intensified loss for those who are grieving. Working at a hospital as I have been doing this fall has heightened my awareness of all the families who are grieving this Christmas.

And I am grieving today.

I want my life back. I want my home back. I want my pastor back. I want my church back. I want my dreams back. I want my writing back. I want my community back.

Please? It hurts.

Sick and Tired . . . Yay!

2007-09-29T18:14:00.001-04:00

I'm not the only one who had a dreadful week. We decided dementors had gotten loose and were on the prowl.... (Harry Potter reference)

I've discovered that "Expecto Patronum!" actually helps a little! (Especially when one "expects" a "Patron" of unfathomable love and power....)

Day One: No longer JUST PICTURES

2007-09-21T19:57:00.000-04:00

Here we are, boarding the bus outside Ben Gurion airport. It is late afternoon and the sky
is bright blue. At the front of the bus looking back is Lorne, our Canadian tour director. David Wirt is halfway back, finding a seat. Rev Dr. Timothy Hegedus is closer, chatting with someone, and that's MJ and her camera right next to me. Carl O. is in front of me with the green shirt.

This is a shot that fascinated me. It is taked down and through one of the twisty, outdoor passages that were everywhere in this land. Though this is an outdoor stairway, it is within the Bethlehem Lutheran hostel proper and was along the way from our sleeping quarters to the dining area and main building. This is our first day in the Holy Land. We are on the way to breakfast. From bottom to top we have John K. (amazing photographer), Sebastien, Catharine H., Darranne, and Marge K. See how beautiful the stonework is. It was like this everywhere.

In the afternoon of our first day we visited the "Shepherd's field." We were purportedly standing approximately where the shepherds had been during our lecture. The gentleman lecturing is Faraj-el-lati, and we are on the Palestinian side of the wall. Most of his lecture was about the events occuring today in this area.

The hilltop in the first picture used to be covered in a forest. It was a park area in Palestian territory. It is now solid houses, 60% uninhabited. It is a "settlement" which means the Israeli govenment has annexed it for their own purposes. Conversely, one of the houses in the near distance belongs to the lecturer, and he has been threatened that his house will be bulldozed to the ground because he could "fire on" the Israeli houses. At any time, any of the half-dozen families whose land happens to be on the same hillside could suffer the same fate.

The hills here are very steep and rocky, as you can see, and beside modern buildings and power lines, look much like they would have in the shepherds' day. The next picture sits to the previous picture's left. In it, (besides Bishop Pryse, and Virginia and assorted heads) we can see the road the Israelis constructed as part of their land-annexation project. It has a high, barbed wire that runs along the Palestinian side. Military vehicles drive up and down it regularly. It curves around the valley, and up between the settlement and our lecturer's home. It was arbitrarily drawn, and it cut off one family from their olive orchard. They now have no means to support themselves.

Here is our lecturer and his young daughter. This picture, to the left of the previous one, shows the bend in the military road. It shows the way the hillsides have been terraced for easier pasturing and travel, a practice that goes back to ancient times.

We are looking primarily at Palestinian land here. I believe that is Bethlehem in the distance.
After the lecture, we clambered along the rocky path to Faraj and his family's gracious home, where we enjoyed fruit juice and chocolates.

Again moving to the left, we see the old Palestinian road, which is their only permitted route of travel. Palestinians are not allowed on Israeli roads, which are broad and well-paved and modern. They must take old, broken circuitous routes. What would take an Israeli fifteen minutes to drive could easily take a Palestinian two hours.

This is the Pastor in Ramallah, who helps with the school.

We are in the church attached to the school. In some of the pictures of the school yard (Peace in Palestine? entry) you can see the unusually shaped windows and the church tower. This was a lovely church. This pastor described to us the congregation's struggle to survive, and in what ways they continued their Christian outreach of kindness and support to all the old and feeble of Ramallah, no matter what their religion.

The windows' colours were much brighter than they show here, and such a neat shape. The walls were actually a buttery yellow, almost the colour shown, but brighter.

This was just the morning of the first day. We lunched with another lecturer, and then went to the shepherd's field. Our days were FULL.

Starting year three exhausted

2007-09-15T16:01:00.000-04:00

So here I am. The starting gun fires, and I'm stumbling and staggering already. It is my third year and the novelty has worn off. I'm really tired. I'm already loving some of the reading, ("Healthy Congregations" by Steinke, aka "stinky").
But I'm wondering where my scramble is going to come from. Is this more learning that God is doing this, not me?
It will be a fact. If I get through this, it will have been God's doing. I'll be passed out somewhere back around the start of the home stretch. God will be the one jogging through the tape, arms lifted in triumph. With luck, I'll have enough strength to lift my head and say, "yay" and waving a finger before passing out again.
"And there was much rejoicing."
I'm homesick for former students and homesick for former classes.
I'm terrified about hospital visiting. I know it will be much better once I've started. Meanwhile, I'm quivering in my boots.
Pray for me?

Can There Be Peace in Palestine?

2007-08-25T15:11:00.000-04:00

- a "sermon" that will need to serve as some of my Israel reporting.

"Can There Be Peace in Palestine?
- reflections on my trip to Israel"
Alison Longstaff, August 26th, 2007
Church of the Good Shepherd
Psalm 122: 1-9; Matthew 24:1-13

As many of you know, I went on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land this past Spring. Because the Holy Land is not the most stable of regions, preparation for the trip included a day-long session on culture shock, cultural sensitivity and diversity, and post-traumatic-stress disorder, among other things. In our information packets we found articles on how to recognize post-traumatic-stress disorder, both in ourselves and in our fellow travellers. We learned that we could be affected by the general atmosphere of trauma-survival among the peoples we would be visiting. We discussed how we should care for ourselves and each other should violence occur. It was sobering.

(picture: The Lion's Gate in Jerusalem. Notice how bullet-riddled it is.)
Above all, we were taught, "The situation in Palestine is complicated." We must try to withhold judgment. We must avoid taking sides, and instead, simply keep our eyes and ears open. Apparently, westerners characteristically assume that the problems over there could be easily fixed if someone just said the right thing or took charge the right way. It is not so.
I was immediately struck by the warmth with which the Jews in the airport greeted us. They welcome all visitors. The arrival of tourists helps them not feel so isolated—nor so judged and feared and cut-off from the rest of the world. We also met our tour guide at the airport, a Palestinian Arab Christian Israeli.
His name was Husam, not Hussain, but Husam. He advised us to call him "Who? Sam?" to remember the correct pronunciation. His name was as unfamiliar in my mouth as his identity was to grasp in my brain. An Arab Christian Palestinian Israeli. He was an Arab, which is a blood-line or ethnicity, but he was not Muslim, like many Arabs are. He was a Christian. There are many Christians in the Holy land still, Christians descended from the Christians who have been there since the time of Jesus. He is Palestinian, which means his family has lived in the Palestinian territories for centuries, but he is not a terrorist. It is terribly unfortunate that the western media has somehow gotten many of us in the Western world to equate "Palestinian" with "terrorist." It is an emotional and fearful association and entirely uneducated. There are so many good and peaceful Palestinians. To think every Palestinian is a terrorist is as accurate as thinking that, because I am a woman and a seminarian, all women are seminarians.
And, Husam was an Israeli. Both a Palestinian and an Israeli? At the same time? Yes. He was born to a Palestinian family in Palestinian territory, but he is one of the lucky few to have an Israeli passport. He is recognized as a citizen of Israel. Many Palestinians are not, for all sorts of reasons, which is a huge part of the problem over there. But he is. So He is an Arab Israeli Palestinian Christian. Even he doesn’t know where he fits.

(Picture: Husam [white hat] talks to some of us on the school steps. See the clear, brilliant blue of the sky.)
There are so many ways I could describe our travels over there. I could speak of the land, the light, and the locations. I could describe all the many churches vying to be sitting on the "original spot where" something religious maybe happened. I could describe the crazy mix of old and new, and the march of time in a place nearly older than time.
But I choose to describe my observations of the people of the land, the desperate religious sincerity, and the age-old battles for dominance and control. I choose to describe both the beauty and courage, the resilience and hope in the face of the repeated failures of the peace efforts. And the heart-breaking violence that seems to have a life of its own.
At no time did we witness open violence. We were never exposed to any real danger, ever. But we witnessed evidence of the tension everywhere we looked. From the thick razor-wire topped walls that Israel is unremittingly erecting around section after section of Palestinian territory, to the machine gun toting soldiers, to the bullet holes riddling the walls of Jerusalem, we could not help but be aware of the tension.
These people have lived through things I can’t even imagine. We had to pass through heavily guarded check points. We had our bus driver yelled at by an angry Israeli guard at one check point. We had soldiers barely out of their teens march through our bus, examining our passports, machine guns slung on their hips. One pulled off his sunglasses, and looked just like our neighbour’s son, except he had darker hair.
Israel is a military state, and every young person must spend two years in the army. Imagine if we lived there. That would be every young person you know, taught to handle guns. To shoot to kill. To obey orders. To see violence as a common occurrence. Jake and Sam, Stephanie, and Megan and Kate, Heather and Joshua. . . . Both my girls, and eventually, Jordan. And this, not in Canada, but in a country born in the holocaust, and shaped by a lifetime of hatred and oppression. I simply can’t comprehend it.

(Next two pictures: school children, Christian and Muslim, playing soccer together in Ramallah. Will they also grow up to kill or be killed?)
We stayed in Bethlehem first, beyond the wall. The Palestinians nearest Jerusalem live in some of the worst conditions. Though our hostel was spacious, clean, and quiet, we saw the rubble and neglect in the streets. The severe water restrictions were evident in the bathrooms though never shoved in our faces. Some of us blithely and ignorantly took our long western showers, not realizing the desperate need for every drop behind the walls. You see, Bethlehem, a scarce five miles from Jerusalem, is Palestinian. It is the distance of about eight kilometres—from here to the St Jacobs farmers market or from here to Sports World. For that matter, from here to the Carmel Church, our Swedenborgian cousins. By now, development is as continuous between Jerusalem and Bethlehem as it is between Good Shepherd and St Jacobs. It could be one big city—except the Israelis have been and still are erecting a wall all around Bethlehem, and around Ramallah, and around many other places. Imagine having friends who lived near the St. Jacob’s farmer’s market who were walled in, and never allowed to leave. Imagine them cut off from their jobs, their doctors, their families. Imagine trying to invite them to a wedding or a funeral, and them being refused permission to come. This is the reality of many Palestinians in Israel. No wonder many have resorted to violence. Some are cut off from their family vineyards which have been their livelihood for centuries. It is arbitrary, cruel, and they are completely powerless. There is 70% unemployment within these walled areas.

(picture: overlooking the school's playground in Ramallah)
Seeing the conditions behind the wall and hearing the stories, it was hard not to take sides against the Israelis. On the first day, a group of us went to visit a Christian school in Ramallah. Because our bus and tour company had all the right passes and papers, and because tourists bring welcome dollars to Israel, our bus was allowed to traverse the two heavily guarded check points in order to make this trip. Ramallah, yes, the Ramallah in the news, is another stone’s throw out the other side of Jerusalem. We travelled from the dusty, broken, and run-down Palestinian streets of Bethlehem into the clean, new, well watered and beautifully landscaped Israeli neighbourhoods on the right side of the wall, and then back into the pock-marked, rubble-strewn, and neglected streets of Ramallah.

We met some of the most courageous and called teachers and volunteers at this school, as in the many other Christian centres we visited. The school in Ramallah has several hundred pupils from Kindergarten to about grade eight. They are Muslim and Christian. Yes, this school welcomes Muslim children, and educates them as Muslims. The Muslims have a separate religion classes from the Christians, but also, all the children have religion together once a week, where they learn about each other’s religions as well as the many other religions of the world. The Christian and Muslim families in these Palestinian territories are bound together by their shared hardship. They want only peace, and for their suffering to end.

(Picture: Children cluster around Debbie Lou and others of us, including our tall photographer)
Everything looked normal. The children’s happy voices rang out from the recess yard as we sat and spoke with the head teachers. Debbie Lou, one of our group who is a music instructor at Wilfrid Laurier, went out to mingle with the children. When the children learned that she loved music, they wanted to sing her their songs. One little boy sang her "his song." The interpreter described the story to Debbie Lou as the little boy happily performed his long composition. It was a song about his grandfather, who was taken in the night from their home, by soldiers with guns. It was about how he would never see his grandfather again, and it went on and on.
The teachers told us that this type of song is a form of trauma therapy for the children. That the primary task the teachers face, daily, is helping the children deal with the precariousness of their lives. Almost nightly, Israeli soldiers come into some part of Ramallah and arrest someone or shoot up a home, occasionally just because they can. It is a form of intimidation. It is meant to keep the Palestinians off balance.

(Picture: in the crowd is the little boy singing to Debbir Lou.)
The children come to school chattering about the soldiers being on their street in the night, much the way our kids might chatter about an extra violent thunderstorm or a tornado scare. This is normal for them. The safest place these children have is the school. The teachers do everything they can to help the children, Christian and Muslim together, to feel safe and loved and cared for by God. Even so, in 2002, the soldiers came to the school in the day. They blasted open the doors and shot up the walls. When the teachers complained they were told, "No one was hurt."
"No one was hurt." Imagine if a huge explosion rocketed those doors off their hinges and a mass of armed soldiers stormed in screaming and ordering everyone onto the floor, and then proceeded to shoot up our walls and windows. Then after yelling at us all and calling us names—filthy terrorists, vile English, dirty Canadians, and threatening to kill us and our families, for several hours, they left. ? ! "No one was hurt," simply doesn’t adequately describe the shock we all would have sustained
Just looking at the blast-blackened and twisted front doors would be enough to bring all the emotional trauma back. And we would be left to pick up the shattered glass, and see our dear sanctuary all bullet-riddled, and try to decide how to go on.

(picture: One of our Canadian peace-workers, one of the seminary professors, and the brave head teacher of the school.)
This is one tiny piece of one tiny reality in all of the stories and sights we heard. I haven’t even told you about the three empty dialysis chairs awaiting children who would never show up that day at the hospital. The guards at the check-points refused three children permission to come get their dialysis treatments at the hospital. It makes no sense. Three children, who would be dead in two days if they are not allowed through the wall to the hospital for their treatments. That was four months ago. Are any of them still alive?
If I think too much about it all, I get choked up.

(picture: The head teacher and some students.)
The same day that we visited that hospital, we went to the holocaust museum. We only had a half-hour for the museum, which needed at least three. I could barely take it in. I sat and wept and wept. That night tempers erupted in our group. There was shouting and accusations resulting in withdrawal and tears. We were all dealing with more than we could handle. The scope of the human on human abuse and horror was more than we were capable of comprehending We were shattered.
We are very sheltered here in Canada. And we kid ourselves if we think we are incapable of the behaviours we heard of and saw in Israel. Everyone of us, under the same conditions, would exhibit much the same behaviours. Just witness the small violence of barking, hurtful accusations that arose in our tiny, peaceful, Canadian group after the one day of witnessing the hospital and the holocaust museum. We were overwhelmed. The helplessness and grief had to pour out somehow. We were able to apologize and heal within 24 hours. These people are dealing with a legacy of trauma and violence that spans generations, crosses cultures, and touches everyone of us. It’s not going to be a simple fix.
(Picture:The school pastor looks on and our Canadian tour director talks to the head teacher.)

Though it is understandable, the fact of the holocaust does not give Israel a right to bully and oppress the Palestinians. A battered wife will take a long time, a LONG time before she will trust a man to treat her kindly. How much more is Israel a battered wife. The horror of the generations of abuse must work its way out somehow, and it will take time.
"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem. . . . How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not ready." (Matt 23:27)
Before we become too depressed by the stories we’ve explored together today, before we decide that it is all hopeless and horrible, let’s remember that God was born into this very place. He did not and will not give up on us, though He himself, his beauty and love and truth was spoken into this darkness and treated much the same way. Standing with and bearing the horror, and still staying open to love is the way out. And I need not go to Israel to do this work. I can find it readily in my own family and neighbourhood, and yes, even in our church.

(picture: watching the children at play)
When you and I work to face and, without passing on the harm, express and release the hurts and little traumas and small betrayals we face within our lives here and now, we are helping to strengthen the great global consciousness of peace and forgiveness. It has long been known that abuse will be passed on and on until someone is strong enough to stop the transmission. The abuse will stop when the human race is ready and strong enough and conscious enough to stop it. AND, what you and I do in our hearts, here and now, today, makes a difference. Forgiving my brother, my sister, my father, for abuses and hurts in my family, is the way I help the world move toward forgiveness.
Yes, there are many active and hands-on ways we can try to help in Israel. They need help. They particularly need volunteers who speak Arabic. I can put you in touch with any number of ways to provide support and caring if you feel called.
But more than that, you and I can stand, hand in hand, and believe in peace and forgiveness. You and I can look fearlessly into the horror and hopelessness and speak love into the darkness. We are not alone in the desire for peace. We have God on our side. And God is infinitely patient and infinitely healing. If our hearts break at the sights and stories, God’s heart breaks a thousand times more. But while we become weighed down by hopelessness, God has never given up and never will give up. He knows what He’s doing. Nothing, absolutely nothing is hopeless in God’s care.
As we read in Jeremiah:
For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord,
plans for your welfare and not for harm,
to give you a future with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Thank you for listening. Amen.

Graduation!!

2007-06-06T20:59:00.000-04:00

Today was my official graduation from Wilfrid Laurier University. I have achieved the degree of Master of Theological Studies. Only Phil was there, but I felt the presence of many others cheering me on who couldn't be present.

It was a huge moment for me. Only one picture from the university ceremony came out. The others are from the smaller ceremony at the seminary.

It meant a lot to graduate with so many great friends from my classes, like Christine and Annabelle. And great to see my loved professors' faces again. I'm going to miss the people, if not the hard work!

James Bartleman, Lieutenant Governor of Ontario (among many other things), was granted an honorary Doctorate at the university ceremony. In honour of this award, a native elder spoke this prayer:

"Great Creator you have given me my walk, my journey on this earth. I do not know what comes next, and what I have just passed now makes sense to me. You have given me instinct and insight, which helped me on this journey of service to the people, to the family, to the nation, to the earth our Mother, and the universe to which we are constantly connected. You have protected me when I have been hurt and given me the medicines to get through the physical hurt, the mental hurt, the emotional hurt, and the spiritual hurt. And still the vision of my journey was clear and yet unknown."

"I knew my service to creation was not for me, even though people give me recognition. I knew I had a family to teach me purpose for love and for life. My larger family of [humankind] also taught me that "all my relations" included all living things. [Humankind] is set in a relationship with all Creation and dependant on all things for our life. The Seven Sacred Teachings of the Anishnabe people, Love Respect, Courage, Honesty, Humility, Wisdom, and Truth, guide me as I walk through this life I have been given."

Jean Becker, Elder in Residence, Faculty of Social Work, Wilfrid Laurier University
and Professor Malcolm Saulis

This seemed symbolic for me too, given all I have been through, and what I continue to face.

It was a huge day for me. Huge.

Here is the group of us from the seminary:

Prof. Lund, Prof. Jorgenson, Prof. Hegedus, Prof. Cutting, Prof. Kelly

Gocia, Holly, Amanda, Annabelle, Me, Jun Gao, Elizabeth

Cindy, Jamie, Michelle, Alma, Christine, Trudy, Prof. Pfrimmer

Clap for us!

Heathrow to the Holy Land

2007-05-04T09:32:00.001-04:00

The fun really began at Heathrow. Once we were finally loaded on the plane, (and it was FULL, with many orthodox folks heading to see relatives in Israel) we had a bit of a wait, and then we began to taxi.

We taxied so long, I wondered if we had decided to drive to Jerusalem.
We finally stopped, and we all got buckled for take off.

We sat and sat and sat.

Then the pilot announced that there was a problem with the luggage and we had to go back to the terminal.

We taxied and taxied and taxied all the way back.

When finally we came to a jerky stop back at the terminal, the fellow next to me woke up and thought we had arrived in Tel Aviv.

No such luck.

We learned that one of the pieces of luggage had to come off the plane. They had to dig through and find it.
This news caused understandable consternation. There were those of us who were simply tired and annoyed. But even more so were the observant Jews who were hours away from the beginning of the Sabbath. If the plane didn't take off soon, they would all have to get off the plane and miss the flight because of the Sabbath. If they got off, all their luggage would have to be found and removed too. Oy vey!

There were many busy cell phones upon this realisation. Family in Israel needed to be warned not to expect the travellers. Even should the plane land before the Sabbath, picking up bags and driving was a problem.

There's something lovely about such devotion. Still, I'm glad personally not to have such a restrictive faith.

Most observant Jews will not even book a flight on Friday because of this time restriction, but the ones with whom I chatted had been forced to miss their intended connecting flight the day earlier, and were bumped onto ours.

There was a lovely young man from New York with whom I chatted as we stood in the back of the plane stretching our legs and waiting. He was going to Jerusalem to study Judaism's holy books. Our chat felt respectful and mutually curious. He lit up with love for God and earnest scholarly longing as he told me about his opportunity to study in Jerusalem. I could certainly understand a love of studying Holy Books in order to understand and love God more! We had a lovely chat. I wished him luck in making it safely to his destination before the Sabbath.

Finally, the speedy team had located the problem luggage and removed it. The pilot got special permission to jump the queue of planes awaiting take-off, and we were airborne. Thanks to a strong tail wind, we made it in plenty of time. Whew!

I was struck by the spaciousness and newness of Ben Gurion Airport. The walls and floors were sand-coloured stone and marble, fitting every stereotype I have of Holy Land buildings. I almost laughed.
It was beautiful.

Several of the Israelis on the plane as well as some we chatted with in the airport thanked us earnestly for visiting Israel. Apparently they feel very alone, and every tourist gives them heart and hope. It was touching.

We got our bags, counted off, and met up with our tour guide for the duration---a Christian Arab Palestinian Israeli named Hussam. Figure that one out.

It is a crazy, complicated place.
He was lovely and funny and smart and seemed to know everyone in Israel.

Our enormous, comfy tourist bus climbed from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem on wide, new highways. (The picture shows M.J., Professor Tim, and David W. finding seats on the bus at the airport.) Evidence of new construction was everywhere. The terrain was very like the hills of San Diego, only even rockier and more barren. And there was a new tree, a very thin and tall and pointy evergreen which I later learned was called the Jerusalem Pine. I hope that's right. It might not be the right name at all.

I felt like I was driving through an illustration in a book. It was the only place I had seen trees like that.

I stared and stared at everything, so curious and excited and full of wonder was I.

This is not Hussam but a wonderful peace-worker named Mark, speaking to us on the Mount of Olives. But is is an excellent example of the really skinny pines.

The fellow facing the camera with the white hat and shades is Hussam. He said that he didn't fit anywhere. Arabs are "supposed to be" (common stereotype) Muslim, but he is Christian (like many other Arab Palestinians). He is a Palestinian, which means he is not a Jew and his family has lived in the land since the time of Christ. But the name "Palestinian" makes people think he's a terrorist. The news doesn't talk about the thousands of Palestinians who just want peace and justice. It doesn't remember the hundreds of Palestinians who are Christians. He is Israeli because he is lucky enough to have an Israeli passport, unlike many Palestinians, simply because his house was on the right side of the "wall."

So he is everything, yet feels like he doesn't really fit anywhere. It is a big problem for all the Christian Palestinians.

Shrines, more shrines, and Flat Stanley

2007-05-02T11:44:00.000-04:00

I am home.
Israel is a land of many shrines. Everywhere we went, we saw another shrine. I hadn't expected that, though reflecting on what I know of the human race, of course it is so.

If anything happened anywhere in Israel, somebody built a shrine about it.

There are many disagreements about where things took place, so some events have more than one shrine, like the tomb of Jesus, Mary's well, Mary's birth place, etc.

Some of the Holy Land shrines are quite lovely. Others are not to my taste. Most have lovely acoustics.

Some places are inconvenient---like where tradition says John baptised Jesus---so they picked another place that was more attractive and more convenient as a commemorative site, and MANY miles away, where one can buy a white robe, (with an optional iron-on cross or face of Jesus) and wade in the water like so many cattle.
Sigh.
It IS the Jordan river, after all.

You may even purchase a bottle of Jordan river water, if you are so moved.

But there isn't a shrine here.

The shrine(s) for Jesus' baptismal site are down in the remote desert regions near Jericho, in No Man's Land.

But I was hoping somehow to feel a Presence, or a sense of holiness, or a sense of being somewhere unusually sacred in these holy places, but I didn't. Instead, the phrase kept popping into my mind, "He is not here. He is risen."

Instead, I felt His presence in and among the people with whom I traveled, and in the people I met. I felt peacefulness in the cool breeze on the mount of the beatitudes. I felt awe looking at the view from Mount Tabor and Mount Carmel. And I loved walking on the Mount of Olives.

But I found Him in the kindness, the joy, the laughter, and the compassion in the living people. The stories of the Christian Palestinians struck most of us with awe for their courage and humour in the face of increasing oppression. (If your life needs purpose, go live with some Palestinians in Bethlehem or Ramallah or Nazareth for a few days, and you will find ten times over what you seek.)

And everywhere we went, Flat Stanley came too.

Who is Flat Stanley? He looks a little bit like the gingerbread man. He is the school project of a child. Marge Knebel promised to take him on all her travels and photograph him in all the exotic places she travels to with her husband. "What is his name?" she asked the child.
"Flat Stanley."

So John and Marge dutufully photographed Flat Stanley everywhere---in the shrines, on the boat, on the mountain tops....

Here is a picture of them photographing Flat Stanley in an olive tree in Nazareth Village.

It was so darn cute.

The trip was full of such moments---human moments. The way we care for each other and play with each other. The way we seek meaning in one place and find it in another.

Who knows? Maybe in a few years we will come and find a shrine to Flat Stanley.

Even More Pictures

2007-04-30T13:32:00.000-04:00

This is Augusta Victoria Hospital, on the Mount of Olives.

This is Mark, who gave us the tour of the Hospital. Here he is talking about his work, and what they have to do to serve the people and keep their land. We are seated on the lovely property, overlooking Jerusalem. This little fella ran around and nipped at our pant legs during Mark's talk. His name is "Happy Feet."This is the interior of the Church on the Mount of Olives. With it's open Bible and many images from Revelation, it was the interior that felt the most "Swedenborgian" to me, despite it's very ornate style. This is the ceiling mosaic inside the central dome. This face of Jesus was one of the kinder, more accessible depictions of many that we saw.

Here is Virginia D. and I in the garden at the Jerusalem hostel.Here is Virginia D. in the garden at our Jerusalem hostel. The lower set of three windows was the room I shared with Daranne.A lovely garden in a lovely hostel.Rev. Dr. Tim talks to us about the story of Jesus' ride into Jerusalem half way down the Mount of Olives.Looking up the southern slope of the mount of Olives, with its massive Jewish burial place---all stones.

The Arabic Lutheran pastor in Jerusalem and his charming family with Sebastien.
One of the many churches along the via dolorosa.

The Bullet-riddled Lion's Gate in Jerusalem.

A model of Masada.

Looking down from the top of Masada.

This is Haifa.

More pictures

2007-04-30T11:27:00.000-04:00

Israel!

2007-04-18T20:20:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow, thirty of us associated with the seminary will be heading off to Israel.

Our first stop will be in Bethlehem. We will see Masada, the Dead Sea, Jericho, and the Mount of Temptation.

Then we travel to Jerusalem. We will worship with a group of Christians, then see Gethsemane, the Mount of Olives, The Upper Room, and the Pool of Siloam. Then we will volunteer at a hospital for a day.

Then it's off to the shores of the Sea of Galilee, where we will take a boat out on the sea, visit the Mount of the Beatitudes, and see the Jordan river baptismal site.

Our final stop will be in Nazareth. We will walk in the village where Jesus grew up. We will see Mount Carmel and Mount Tabor, and visit Cana.

We fly home May 1st.
I hope to send reports from Israel. But if not, I'll blog about it when I'm home. I hope to take pictures and hope that they won't be confiscated. Pray for our safe travels!

The Right Reverend Alison. . . .

2007-04-18T12:39:00.000-04:00

A friend forwarded this goofy website to me, where one can get an "official" Aristocratic title. So I entered my name and spun the wheels....

What title did it hand me?

Milady the Right Reverend Alison the Sage of Burton-le-Coggles
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

How deeply ironic.

"Law" or "Gospel"?

2007-04-11T13:25:00.000-04:00

LAW? . . . . GOSPEL?

In the seminary here, they talk about the division between "law" and "gospel." They say both are necessary in faith and are part of faith. They define "law" as the rules, the judgment---the perfection we pursue, and yet of which we always fall short. The "gospel" is the news that we are loved anyway, despite our flaws---that's it's okay. We just have to do our best and trust the outcome to God.

The way I understand the pragmatic definition of them is:

LAW (Truth)
Law = it's up to us to do the work to get to heaven. We have to study enough and pray enough and do enough of the good stuff so God can clear out our garbage and make us worthy. If we go to hell it is our own fault.

GOSPEL (Love)
God is so loving and wise that everything is carefully guided and provided, so that we have everything we need along the way, and will eventually be brought into heaven. His love is essentially irresistible. We don't have to worry so much.

In the Swedenborgian tradition, these would be called "Truth" and "Good," or "Wisdom" and "Love." I was taught that all the other Christian churches have these out of balance and only our church kept them in perfect balance.

Well, what Swedenborg actually said is that "True Christians" will have these in a healthy balance.

(So, calling oneself a "true Christian" or a "New Church person" doesn't at all mean a person has good and truth in a healthy balance. Humans generally don't have them in balance. Only God knows who has them in balance. Only God knows who is a "true Christian," be they Catholic or Lutheran or Methodist or Mormon, or Agnostic....)

Given the previous definitions, we might begin to identify different congregations and denominations as essentially "Law" or "Gospel." "Law" sermons tend to emphasize our need to stay vigilant and try harder and struggle. They harness fear---fear of hell, or of doing things wrong, or of thinking bad things, to motivate followers to stop being bad. Gospel sermons remind us of what God is doing in our lives and in the world. They harness hope, and encourage us, no matter how broken or defective our efforts may be. God works with us and uses our efforts for His good will.

It seems the human tendency is to be out of balance with truth and good. We tend either to overdo truth (or "Law"), neglecting love (or "Gospel); or to overdo "Gospel" neglecting "Law."

My experience is, that to the degree that they are out of balance, they aren't even what they are created to be, but twisted, unhealthy impostors. Law becomes a harsh, death-dealing taskmaster, and Gospel becomes vapid and rudderless. Those who tend to rely on (unbalanced) Law, live in fear of tripping and falling into hell. They stereotype "gospel" Christians as vapid and rudderless, or "bleeding hearts".

Those who love gospel may know that unbalanced law deals death, but may not know how to harness mature wisdom for a vibrant, strong, and healthy faith, out of fear of becoming law-driven.

My old denomination certainly falls into the "Law" category. I had to stop going because I couldn't hear one more, "Be afraid; feel bad; try harder" sermon. (This is also known as "worm" theology. Translation: "We are nothing but filthy, evil worms in the sight of God.") Some people prefer this theology, even cling to it, as the sole path to their salvation. It is as if they are afraid to think anything else about their worth and nature.

Remarkably, Law churches tend to grow more rapidly, perhaps because they provide lots of rules and clear boundaries of "in" and "out." It feels very good to be "in." It feels safe. One is doing religion "the right way."

Unfortunately, the "rules" churches also tend to chew up and spit out their members on the other end, then blame the lost members for "not getting it" or "not loving God enough." There is no recognition that the constant striving and effort and guilt and looking over one's shoulder tends to wear down the tender spirits. So these churches tend to leave a long line of drop-outs in their wake with no acknowledgment of the loss, and to have a membership with serious self-esteem issues.

I am learning that the ELCIC (Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada), as well as my new denomination, the Swedenborgian Church of North America, are definitely "Gospel" churches. They emphasize hope in the Lord's providence. There is the understanding that of course human nature falls short of perfection, but so what? It's not like it's our fault. We can't help it! It's our nature. God still works with us where we are, loves us just the way we are, and loves us enough not to leave us just the way we are. We just need to show up, do our best, and trust Him. We have slightly different ways of saying it, but the message is the same.

So I know where I fit and where I don't fit. I know what theology is healing and redemptive for me, and what theology is toxic to my spirit.

I'm not saying that "Gospel" is good and "Law" is bad. I don't think one is right and one wrong. I think there's a healthy way and a sick way to come from a "law" emphasis , and vice versa with "gospel." I believe the closer we approach a balance---a healthy "marriage" of the two---the closer we come to a healthy theology, whichever way we lean.

But personally, I've spent so many years starved of "gospel," I'm loading up on gospel like a person stumbling out of the desert might fall upon a spring. It's easy, very easy for me right now to see how hurtful a (sick) law emphasis can be, and pretty hard to see how one could have too much gospel.

Ignorant good will can be just as hurtful a fear-based religion. I guess that "Law" seen right does not become fear-based, because it is tempered by trust in God's loving providence, and "Gospel" done right does not result in a vapid and rudderless faith because it will also be insightful, passionate, and wise.

February

2007-02-09T15:27:00.000-05:00

"For such a beastly month as February, twenty eight days as a rule, are PLENTY."

It is grey and it is cold and everyone is sick and tired.

Some classes have been reduced by a third, by all the students who are ill or can't make the drive because of the weather.

I am TIRED.

My inner squirrel is kicking in. I want to HIBERNATE. I want to spend all my days curled up under my blankets sleeping, until it gets warm and sunny again.

I have decided to withdraw from my CPE this spring. I simply can't manage Israel and Convention and moving and CPE, much as I'd like to. I'd feel very relieved if I wasn't so tired.

Everything is dry and grey and filmy and mucky. All projects feel overwhelming.

February is just February! I can't choose not to let it get to me. It simply does.

Ah well. This too, shall pass.

This is what it looks like.

Rage

2007-02-03T18:47:00.000-05:00

Today I'm feeling the rage. I REALLY don't want to, but it is time. It started as a big cry in response to some small invalidations---as usual, I hid in my room, and sobbed and rocked and used up large quantities of Kleenex---then I curled up under the blankets and shook and shuddered and whimpered, until I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I showered, all the while feeling intense rage at all the invalidations and dismissals and the marginalization that has been the story of the first half of my life. I was arguing out-loud in the shower with various people, saying what I need to say to them and wishing they could hear me.

By "wishing they could hear me" I mean something much bigger than "what I was saying at that moment in the shower." Even if the words crossed their ears, my experience to date is that they could not hear me. In fact, historically, when I have attempted to express the feelings of invalidation, dismissal, victimization, and hurt, what I get in response is further invalidation and dismissal. I hear how my experience is wrong, my feelings are wrong, and certainly that expressing anger is wrong---correction---simply experiencing anger is wrong. I hear about the feelings I should feel, and perhaps an edifying story about somebody feeling the right sort of feeling in a similar situation.

When that doesn't work, I then am subjected to an analysis of my internal state, judgment upon it, and dismissal on those grounds, something like: "You just want power, (You are selfish and controlling)" or, "You just want attention, (you are selfish and childish)" or, "You're just angry, (simply experiencing anger is cause for dismissal)." "Go to your room and come out when you can be nice."

Folks who know about good counseling practice are probably wincing. Anyone with basic psychology knows not to invalidate feelings. Feelings are not for invalidating. There is no point in invalidating another's feelings unless one wishes to invalidate the other person, control their inner reality (impossible), or make the expression of their uncomfortable feeling stop (possible, and hurtful to the relationship.) If the controller is in a position of power over the other, such as parent/child, the invalidation of the feelings and the blocking of the expression damages the child's ability to trust his or her own perceptions, and tells the child that the parent's reality is more valid than the child's. It also teaches that blocking expression of the emotion is an appropriate and healthy way to deal with an emotion---which is false. All of these messages and this power dynamic is hurtful to both parties and hurtful to either in developing healthy relationships.

I can't even communicate that invalidating my feelings is part of the problem, because I simply get my feelings and my reality invalidated in response.

It a vicious circle. Then I am criticized for withdrawing and ceasing to engage.

It is insanity. And the thing about feelings are: invalidating and refusing to hear or acknowledge them intensifies their need to be heard. They will not settle down until they are genuinely heard, not just heard, but validated. This is my experience again and again, both in my own emotional life and in counseling and being present with other hurting souls.

It is also believed and taught in counseling schools and in relationship therapy.

And last but not least, anger is appropriate when someone is abused. Period.

At least one therapist I know believes that it is always appropriate. Anger simply is. It is a normal, healthy response to violation. If anger is present, violation or the perception of violation has occurred, period. We're just so stinking afraid of anger. Even yelling frightens us, let alone inappropriate and hurtful expressions of anger. But we confuse the emotion with the damaging expressions of it. There is a huge distinction.

I am feeling deep, deep, ancient rage. I am handling it by shaking, crying, hitting things (like couch cushions) and writing about my feelings.

There is absolutely appropriate and non-harmful ways to process rage. Rage is not the problem! This rage is valid and current as well as tapping into decades of suppressed hurt and invalidation. Perhaps it is the decades of suppression that is the problem, not the rage.

I am so stinking angry that the ones who ought to have loved me as is, couldn't. I am so ANGRY that I was shoved into a tiny box because I was a girl, and have been shamed for climbing out.

I was so profoundly angry that I was spiritually abandoned, AND THEN told it was my fault. God!

I AM ANGRY! OF COURSE I AM ANGRY! DUH!

Whimpering and Dancing

2007-01-31T10:20:00.001-05:00

I was under terrific stress last week. Sometimes, when my life is really creaking under the strain, I find myself making impromptu whimpering noises. Emotional, physical, and mental overload started to leak out in little moans and puppy noises. It was very unnerving. If I had had a pacifier and blankie, last week would have been the week for them.

Oh well. It was a heads-up that I'm in dire need of nurturing and self-care.

"She canna take it much longer, Captain. She's goin' ta blow!"

But yesterday, somewhere around the end of my homiletics course, I started to feel light and happy. The reality of what I had done (led a real worship service and survived!) started to kick in. I started to feel again. And I felt really, really good. I went for a walk in the snow around campus, smiling and singing quietly. Everyone---the students, the service workers, the construction workers---everyone looked beautiful.

I felt like dancing.

I still feel like dancing.

Want to come dance with me?

Life is very, very good.

My first worship service

2007-01-28T19:21:00.000-05:00

I've done it now. There's no going back. Now I'm on my way to turning into a man or going crazy, or whatever it is that's supposed to happen to me now that I've "preached."

I have yet to get official feedback from my superiors, but all the kind things that congregation members said as they exited, says that it went pretty well! And it felt good. It felt great. I feel it more in retrospect, as I was pretty numb and disembodied during the actual service. I hope in time the nervousness will die down and let me be more present. My mouth was dry and all ability to improvise went out the window. Fortunately I had a bulletin in my hands and almost everything written out.

We did a contemporary service in the best "Michael Cowley" tradition. Martin and Dori and Jordan were on guitar, as well as a terrific fellow named Tom Bishop. Phil played piano, and the music filled the whole space. My fear was that it would be wonderful and heart-warming only for former Carmel Church members, but based on the response: the music, the sphere, the warmth, and the message worked its magic.

"Point to God" is one of the stated goals for leading worship in seminary. "Preach the 'good news' of God's love." For me it is, bring people to God, open the way for God to flow in and get out of the way! I also want to facilitate healing around any issues that hold us back from the Lord's life and love.

I'll report later on how the supervisory meeting goes. Meanwhile, here is a copy of what I "preached."

"Blessed and Broken"

Alison Longstaff, January 28th, 2007

Church of the Good Shepherd

Jeremiah 18:1-6; Luke 9:12-17

Take. Bless. Break. Share.
Did you notice this progression in our reading from Luke today?
Take. Bless. Break. Share.
We learned in seminary this week that whenever we find this progression in the New Testament, a holy supper is taking place. In our gospel reading, Christ takes the meagre offering, which is certainly never going to be enough to feed the large crowd; yet he blesses it and breaks it and gives it to the disciples to share. And it becomes more than enough. There is a message in that.
Take. Bless. Break. Share.
It struck me, as we discussed this, that this is what we can do in response to the gift of life from God: Accept it, give thanks for it, break into it, and share it. Also, this is what the gift of life does to us. It comes on us and blesses us . . . and breaks us.
Life both blesses us and breaks us. Loving others blesses us and breaks our hearts. Living in community, as church and as family, brings untold blessings, and can break our spirits. But isn’t it true that there is something about the breaking that builds the way to a new bountiful sharing, in a way not otherwise possible?
Many of you here know that I came to Good Shepherd broken. Though I did my best to look fine and happy all the time, I didn’t always managed to pull it off. More than one of you has ended up holding me while I broke apart and cried. Thank you for that.
And as I have snuggled my way deeper into the warm coverings offered by this community, I discovered that this congregation too, has been struggling to heal its own broken heart. This circle of souls was faltering from hurts and misfortunes before I turned up. And though you were struggling, you took me in, bandaged my wounds, and gave me a safe place to rest and heal.
Thank you, again.
In our Old Testament reading we heard about a Potter throwing a pot on a potter’s wheel. As we listen, the pot becomes deformed under the Potter’s hands. Anyone who has attempted throwing pots knows how the clay seems to have a mind of its own. Either the clay is too wet or it is too dry, or there is an impurity in it that ends up causing a crack. One minute the pot is shaping up nicely, and the next minute the clay thins too quickly, or it splits, or flops over from excess moisture. . . . And the envisioned vessel becomes a broken blob.
In my life I have often felt not so much like the useful vessel I intend to be but more like a broken blob—a gooey mess. I have heard that Good Shepherd has recently felt more like a disorganized glob than the vibrant loving community it wishes to be.
But notice this: the pot is in the Potter’s hands while the deformity happens. It isn’t that the Potter was careless, yet the pot is spoiled. It isn’t the Potter’s fault, and it isn’t the clay’s fault either, even though the flaw is inherent in the clay. This text is not telling us: "Be careful because you too might mess up like the pot!" No. This story is in God’s Word exactly this way because this is how life goes. We will be broken. We can’t help it. We come flawed. That’s not the point. The point is that we are held, known, and loved right through the brokenness and back to wholeness. The text is reassuring us that we are always in the Potter’s hands. He’s never faltered for a minute. We are already being made new.
We never leave God’s hands. The brokenness is always a gateway to a new and more magical plan.
A famous Leonard Cohen song says, "There is a crack, a crack in everything; but that’s how the light gets in."
That’s how the light gets in.
The light. The crack is how we learn things we could learn no other way. Babies learn how to walk by falling down. Skiers and skaters learn to stay up by wiping out more times than they care to. We often learn how to love well, by loving clumsily and hurting people first. And seminarians learn how to write good sermons only after inflicting some real clunkers on some long suffering congregations. It’s just what the process looks like.
Besides, we’re the ones that want perfection straight out of the gate, not God.
God designed a system in which being broken is part of the process.
So is it okay if today I feel like a bit of a crack-pot?
Well, on this day of all days, when we celebrate Swedenborg’s birthday, we can remember that, frankly, he was something of a crack-pot. He saw visions; he talked to dead people; he said there are people living on the moon. But despite his oddness and his unorthodox teachings—many of which still leave us scratching our heads—his writings have also brought healing, enlightenment, and Christian renewal to tens of thousands. He has opened the Bible in a whole new way. He has taught us about heaven and hell, the internal meaning to the Bible, about Love and Wisdom, and about salvation for peoples of all faith and all walks of life.
So let’s hear it for crack-pots! Let’s hear it for letting the light in! Let’s hear it for anyone who is brave enough to speak their truth into a world that isn’t ready to hear it.
By this definition, Jesus was a crack-pot too. He certainly was broken for His efforts to speak the truth into an unready world. And He certainly blessed us by His willingness to be broken. Perhaps that is part of what he was trying to tell us—that we need not fear brokenness. That brokenness is always the path to being made new.
I think it is in our nature to fear our brokenness. We want to hide it, cover it over, and paint a smiley face on it. We feel sure that it means we are weak, that we are not good enough, that we should be ashamed, that we have failed.
But it is not so. It means we are human. It means we are alive.
Take. Bless. Break. Share.
Isn’t it so often true that our vulnerabilities end up being our strengths?
Accept your life! Give thanks for it, for it is perfect, no matter how inadequate it may seem. Break into it, live it, eat it up, let it change you. And share the gifts you are given, no matter how meagre they look in your hands. In God’s hands it becomes an overflowing abundance.
Yes, this life can sometimes break us. But embrace it—all of it—for it is only through the breaking and the eating that we find and share our deepest blessings.
Amen.

Flying Pigs

2007-01-15T12:03:00.000-05:00

On January eleventh, all five siblings and two parents of my family of origin met in a skilled counselor's office (Mark Carlson, trained by Gloria Taylor) for six hours of communication aid. It was fascinating and valuable and painful, and VERY hard not to pop into the various coping stances as identified by Satir. No doubt I cycled through them all, but at least did my best not to express them.

Considering that this sort of sharing group with a counselor is scary beyond all reason for certain family members, it was a miracle that it happened at all. I had been joking about "pigs flying," and lo and behold, flying pigs were the month's free animation in my Animation Factory email. That is too uncanny.

So then Rebecca S. gave me this adorable Folkmanis creature which she had just found and wasn't sure who she was meant to give it to. . . .

One thing about my family of origin is, we are all such incredibly NICE people, and don't want to hurt each other, which often prevents us from being genuinely truthful. We aren't "real" with each other.

And sometimes, especially lately, I do "irrelevant" to survive emotionally. I feel very detached, think it's all pretty ridiculous, and "get on with my life." "Whatever." Family gatherings often feel pretty deadly. I feel bitter and cynical and want to run around and dance and point out all the elephants and shout out all the things we can't say. Why not? Nothing is ever going to change. (Classic Satir "irrelevant" with a tiny bit of "super-reasonable" thrown in for flavouring. Hey, blaming and placating got old. )

So the three family black sheep were there, all wanting unconditional love, and meekly accepting what scraps and hand-outs the other family members were able to give, given their monumental PRINCIPLES which must be upheld above all. "Principles," and upholding them and fighting for them came up a lot as a thing the "principled ones" praised each other for. Above all, they were standing up for their principles. Sigh. I remember. I really do. It is one way to be and to do "following God."

I can't even begin to explain---I don't even want to try to explain the entirely other way I (and at least one other sibling) see(s) the world. (A brick wall and bloody forehead come to mind.) They'll get it for themselves when they get it, or they won't. Whatever.
I don't have energy to try to make that happen any more, as if it was my business to decide they SHOULD see things the same way I do! It's not.

But real safety, friendship and intimacy cannot exist in certain environments. There needs to be a certain mutuality, a certain overall common view and trust for genuine mutual intimacy to survive and thrive.

My guess is that such trust is still a long way off for my family of origin. We play well together. We sing well together. We all have delightful senses of humour and quick wits. We definitely get pleasure from each other's company, so long as certain elephants don't enter the space. I suggested it might help if we named the elephants and welcomed them to join the party....

I'll call my upcoming ordination "Sophie." Meet Sophie. (She may look goofy but is actually very wise.)

So, when all was done, I was the one feeling rage and anger and frustration. The family was baffled and sorry that I felt so terrible, except for Marcia who suggested that I was feeling it for the whole family. That fit, and was very comforting. We have so far to go, and the work was so "pretty." There's nothing wrong with pretty, unless it is slowing us down, which I suspect it is. I wish we weren't all so afraid.

Oh well. Shall we try for hell freezing over?

Lutheran cemetery----I mean, seminary

2006-11-23T09:58:00.000-05:00

This happened last year about this time. The students are all on such overwhelm and exhaustion, we are now making the Freudian slip of calling this school a cemetery....

I kid you not.

I have eight papers due in three weeks.

And just for fun, my husband lost his job and can't find another one, yet.

I'm having increasing health issues---insomnia, psoriasis, strange cysts---all stress related, says the doctor.

Hence, I am a student at a Lutheran cemetary.

"Hi, my name is Alison. I am a seminary student and my life has become unmanageable...."

"Welcome Home"

2006-11-04T14:30:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOOD-NESS!

I am loved and wanted here.
I am not taken for granted.
I am treated like a gift and an addition, not a burden or a nuisance or something to be feared.

One of the first things the new pastor at The Church of the Good Shepherd said to me is "Welcome Home." It brought tears to my eyes.
He invited me to come to the pastoral team meetings, and Good Shepherd considers me "their seminarian."
It is overwhelming.
I'm not accustomed to this level of welcome and inclusion. It is so warm!

It is scary. What if I mess up?

At my first pastoral team meeting, John, the new pastor said, "I'm so glad you're here," and I think he really means it!

It's going to take awhile to get used to this trust and inclusion and warmth.

"Christian hospitality." It is a concept I have heard at the seminary and have wondered what it meant. "The hospitality of the Gospel" is another way it is put. The idea is that God's primary message for us, "the Good News," is His love. He includes us all. His promise is for everyone. There is no one among us too wrong or too broken or so stupid or so misguided that He cannot reach us and hold us and comfort us and redeem us when we are ready.

Our biggest block is our own self-hatred and self-judgment. We see our imperfections and flaws and are ashamed. WE hide.

I am still afraid that the people at Good Shepherd will eventually figure out what a jerk I am and need to push me away. I don't think God wants me to feel that way or have that attitude. I want that fear healed and removed. I want to just accept the love and grow in it, and give it back tenfold. I'm not used to unconditional love.

Get this: One motto for the seminary is "Developing Leaders for Church and the World" which I love, and this year I've seen, "Equipping for Healing Relationships" which knocks my socks off!
Amen!
Isn't that what it is all about? Healing relationships? Loving, healthy relationships? ---By removal of arrogance and exclusive thinking and competition and contempt?
It works for me.

Last year I battled such loneliness in my unique Swedenborgian perspective. This year I am filled with gratitude for such a warm and inclusive seminary---and for learning how to include myself and speak the common lingo. The ideas aren't all that different. The Lutherans (and no doubt many other faith systems) are discussing and wrestling with many of the same observations and issues that I have been, but have discussed them in a different lingo and from a different perspective. I've simply needed to learn to see our sameness.

And how shocking to my protected little self, to discover that many of the great thoughts that I thought were uniquely Swedenborgian have been popping up in the Christian dialogue in various forms for many centuries. I was so, um, almost hurt to have one professor say, "Oh. That sounds like Origen...."

I wanted to put my hands on my hips and pout and say, "Nuh-uh! This is brand new stuff! Nobody has ever said this or thought this before!" I was actually offended, and clung to the need of Swedenborg's spin being completely and utterly new.

Sure it's new. Nobody has put it together in quite this way---at least, not by his day. But his thoughts didn't arrive in a vacuum. He must have been exposed to lots of the great Christian fathers of the past and studied and debated their various stances. Of course he would take a little from here and a little from there....

It's mind-bending for me. I have been very attached to seeing Swedenborg's perspective as utterly new and different.
It is and it isn't.
And the things he was writing about 200 years ago are becoming part of the collective consciousness, with or without his name attached. I doubt he would care for or want credit for having seen and written something that ends up being universally acknowledged as true. Besides, he communicated them into such a relatively dense and primitive context of spiritual understanding, in terms that remain fairly dense and abstruse to the average reader today, its no wonder it is hard to see any connection.

The point is, the light is growing and the healing is happening!
It is this that keeps me going.
I would have no faith by now, if God didn't keep revealing himself (herself) in new ways every day. And I think I would see and feel him (her) even more frequently, if I wasn't so attached to the few, narrow, specific ways that I expect to encounter him. He's right there, but I'm looking the wrong way. I'm saying, "Don't bother me. I'm trying to find God," and waving God away as he's chuckling and tapping me on the shoulder....

Thank God he has such a patient and wonderful sense of humour.

When I was a Boy

2006-10-16T10:48:00.000-04:00

Too busy to write much. I'll just quote this amazing song. The music is a huge part of it. But I'll let the words suffice.

When I Was A Boy
By Dar Williams

I won't forget when Peter Pan
Came to my house, took my hand
I said I was a boy, I'm glad he didn't check
I learned to fly, I learned to fight
I lived a whole life in one night
We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck
And I remember that night
When I'm leaving a late night with some friends
And I hear somebody tell me it's not safe
Someone should help me
I need to find a nice man to walk me home

When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom
Climbed what I could climb upon
And I don't know how I survived
I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew
And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too

I was a kid that you would like
Just a small boy on her bike
Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw
My neighbour came outside to say
"Get your shirt," I said "No way.
It's the last time; I'm not breaking any law"
And now I'm in a clothing store
And the sign says, "Less is More"
More that's tight means more to see
More for them, not more for me
That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat

When I was a boy, see that picture, that was me
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees
And I know things have gotta change
They got pills to sell, they've got implants to put in
They've got implants to remove
But I am not forgetting
That I was a boy too

And like the woods where I would creep
It's a secret I can keep
Except when I'm tired, except when I'm being caught off guard
I've had a lonesome awful day
The conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard
And so I tell the man I'm with
About the other life I lived
And I say, "Now you're top gun
I have lost and you have won."
And he says, "Oh no, no, can't you see

When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked
And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too
And you were just like me, and I was just like you"

What it looks like today

2006-09-27T08:31:00.000-04:00

Good morning. I have written about five blog entries in my head since this second year of schooling began.
My lack of actual entries attests perfectly to the crazy workload I am juggling.
This sort of ambition is not for the faint of heart.

One of my new school mates is a woman whose family accidentally shut down the White House for a day this past summer (I LIKE this woman!). They had innocently set their knapsack of home-made sandwiches under a bush while touring. Consequently their family was separated and angrily interrogated for several hours, while the bomb squad prepared to detonate egg salad for the safety and democracy of the free world.
God bless America.
(Those scary Canadians. You gotta watch them every step of the way!)
I feel much safer now.

Back to school: I have several new professors this year, and continue to be impressed with the calibre of teachers here at WLS.
I alternate between deep frustration and profound gratitude. I remain good-naturedly different in many of my views and interpretations, at times struggling to be understood, and at other times lapping up the generations of wisdom. There is so much about the practical side of my coming profession that I never imagined. Yesterday we had an eye opening discussion about what is gained and what is lost in "crossing to the other side of the rail." Good stuff!
It would be fasinating to compare notes with those trained by the GCNJ (the group that raised me). Do they talk about these same things?

I've been noticing a great deal of rage lately --- deep, profound rage. I have been avoiding it for YEARS.

But now there is mounting evidence that our ancestors' unresolved issues are passed down to us, and on to our kids, until they are dealt with. This theory helps me push away the fear and shame of simply experiencing the rage, and allows me to step back and study it. It gives me an opportunity to learn about my legacy, and possibly help to ease the load for the next generation. Instead of viewing myself as an evil loser for having these feelings, I now see these feelings as bringing a motherload of information about my parents, my parents' parents, and so on.

What a relief! It also explains the enormous disproportion of the rage to the apparent causes.

So anyway, for anyone coming after me on this path, it is HARD to juggle all the housework and school work. My family (currently all male) is really testing the boundaries of how much they can demand of me and avoid helping with the house work, which is part of my frustration. While saying they support me, they are ramping up their demands. "Change back," they say with their actions, while their lips vow helpfulness.
I get it. It's normal. It's what people do. It's in all the psychology text books.
It sucks.

Not "doing for them," according to some, makes me a bad wife and mother. The program is running in my head. "Bad wife! Do more!" Guilt gnaws at my stomach lining.

So I get pissed off! (This adds to the evidence of my being a bad person.)

It takes a lot of work to stand strong in such social programming and social dynamics. For me, it seems to take rage in order to yell at the guilt, "I'm not going to be a door-mat any more!"

And it isn't good for my son or my daughters to see me being a door mat. I'm a GOOD mother for setting the example of living out my life and my dreams. I have taught them independance for a reason. I will not live through them.

Also, I experience grief and loss on a daily basis for the heritage I have had to leave behind.

HOWEVER. . . .
I was dying. Now I am alive again.
No matter what "they" say, I had no choice but to go forward. Yes, I'm mad as hell that "they" didn't want me. My death wasn't worth growing or changing for. The profound repeated message that I wasn't wanted unless I fit their mold came through loud and clear. When I refused, I was a nuisance that they were better rid of.

How's that for a message of love and respect and human worth?

No wonder I'm so stinking angry!

Is your protasis in your apodosis?

2006-09-16T12:27:00.000-04:00

Only when it's hortatory.

That pretty much says it all.

Is it a whole sipple, or just a part-of-a-sipple?

Lego moi ego!

When in doubt, pretend it's second aorist.

How do you translate the subjunctive, anyway?
Very carefully....

If it has a thigh, it's one of those sexy infinitives.

Furthermore, if it has "eh" or "moose" in it, we are looking at a Canadian kind of greek word.
Hence, "po-leh-moose" would be "Moose wars..."

That also makes canadians imperfect, which we knew, but also AORIST!

Hah hah!

Agh! GREEK!!!

The Dragon and the Woman of Babylon

2006-08-20T12:08:00.000-04:00

Swedenborgians have their own, somewhat unique spin on the book of Revelation.

Swedenborg, a man of 1700's Europe, wrote his explanation of the Apocalypse using somewhat divisive language, identifying "The Reformed" Christians as "the dragon" and The "Roman Catholic" Church as the "Whore of Babylon."

Maybe it's just me, but that strikes me as a bit off-putting if you belong to either (any?) of the above-mentioned organizations. And, uh, doesn't that pretty much cover the whole of Christianity? (Except for a few splitters, like, say, Swedenborgians which, of course, didn't exist at the time of Swedenborg's writing....)

The thing is, Swedenborg's style of writing makes it oh-so-easy for Swedenborgians (or anyone who self-identifies as not Reformed and not RC) to point fingers and say, "Thank God we are not like they are."

"The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men. . . ." Luke 18:11

Whoops. My experience is that the Word is never about somebody else being wrong.

If a weakness or tendency is highlighted in the Biblical narrative, it is in all of us, no matter what our flavour, colour, gender, or planetary origin. Nobody gets to say, "Thank God I'm not like them...."

The more dramatic an image in the Bible, perhaps the more God is asking us to pay attention to the attitudes and qualities embodied in that image.

The dragon and the woman of Babylon are fairly dramatic images. Yet nobody wants to point at either and say, "Yes! That's me!"

These images are not in the Bible to shame us---they are there to remind us to pay attention. All of us tend toward both the intellectual arrogance of the "right club" mind-set (dragon); and the "my choices and actions are saving me, so I need to help control and educate everyone else (who are not as lucky as me) so they can be saved too" (whore of Babylon) mind-set.

The dragon and whore basically boil down to Arrogance and Control, two qualities which may appear to oppose each other, but actually mirror and complement each other. Whenever you find the one, you won't have to look far to find the other. They are like partners in an unhealthy marriage, appearing to oppose and fight, while depending on each other for their very survival.

Arrogance (dragon) includes certainty of one's rightness, an attitude of entitlement, a "chosen people" mind-set, and can be clothed in a buzzing energy of fear for "loved ones," praying for them to join the same "right club." It can manifest as all sorts of social and emotional manipulation of others "for their own good,"---a decidedly unattractive and divisive quality in a family member. It can also manifest as intellectual arrogance, unnatural emotional attachments or lack of attachment (all religiously explained and justified), and behaviours that illustrate an attitude of special status---like breaking copyright laws and tax evasion, and justification of the oppression of the poor. (Did you know that some of the worst tax evaders are Christians? According to them, they are justified because they are "saving money for God." What, exactly, is their definition of God?)

Control (whore) goes hand-in hand with arrogance. It has a different spin, but is just as dysfunctional. The thing about control is that it can't stand to lose power and influence. By necessity, it needs its adherents to stay dependent on it. It requires a hierarchy in which an upper echelon dictates to the lesser ranks The Rules. Members are rewarded for proper adherence to The Rules, and there are definite consequences for non-adherence, from simple social coldness, to gossip, to demotion or job-loss if one happens to be employed by the Powers that Be, to shunning or out-right excommunication. The Roman Catholic Church by no means holds a corner on this dynamic. The Mormons, the Amish, and the GCNJ all practice variations on the same theme. I'm sure lots of religious bodies wrestle with this dynamic from time to time.
But any religious order that requires dependents is like a parent that needs to keep her children under her thumb, even though they've reached maturity. A church's job is to raise spiritual adults, not perpetual spiritual children.

The dragon is in all of us. We steer clear when we develop humility, and when we refuse to fall for the attractive illusion that our one denomination is the one true-est, rightest faith system. Each faith is one among many in God's created universe. Each is from God. Each has gifts and weaknesses. Each serves a purpose. There is no chosen people. We are all chosen people.

The harlot of Babylon is in all of us too. It is far too easy to become drunk with the notion of our own superiority. Sometimes we seem to think we can speak for God---that we have more truth than others and need to control and protect the things of the church for God. The flocks of such churches become spiritually underdeveloped---specifically trained to subjugate their intelligence to the dominating leadership. Thinking for oneself---challenging the status quo---is highly threatening to the church and is discouraged in every possible way, even when the church claims to encourage thinking for one-self (so long as you think the right things).

We need to hang in there, always steering back toward humility, both personal and institutional, and back to minding our own spiritual business. I have enough work keeping my own house clean. It is far from helpful for me to be trying to tell others how to clean theirs.

Instead of supporting the disfunctional alliance of Arrogance and Control, we can support the healthy alliance of humilty and respect.

(We all live in glass houses. Could we please stop throwing stones?)

Religious Boundaries and Fundamentalism

2006-08-08T12:43:00.000-04:00

One topic that comes up repeatedly among the seminary students is how to achieve a mutually respectful dialogue with any group of people who are certain of their rightness. Intensely religious people are often of such a type, which tends to make ecumenism a singularly oxymoronic effort.

ec·u·me·nism
A movement promoting unity among Christian churches or denominations.
A movement promoting worldwide unity among religions through greater cooperation and improved understanding.

ox·y·mo·ron
A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined, as in a deafening silence and a mournful optimist.

"Is an oxymoron better or worse than a regular moron?"

How can there be a respectful dialogue, when one member is invested in recruiting the world to its mind set? There is an inequality in the approach.

About six months ago, Larry King had a panel of religious leaders on his show to discuss varying religious teachings about life after death. Apparently it quickly broke down into a squabble over The Rules, and Who Would be Saved and Who Wouldn't, and was far from a mutually curious and celebratory information exchange on our various heritages and their differences and uniqueness.

What is it that makes us do this?

How do I feel mutually respected when there isn't mutual respect? How do I find respect for someone who is so invested in trying to save ME according to THEIR rule book, that I can barely stand to be in the room with them?

Let's say the People of the Superiority of the Supreme Ectoplasm (POSSE) have decided that they have latched on to the One, True Religion. AND, even though the Supreme Ectoplasm has emitted sacred writings about tolerating other religions, there is still a certain tendency among the followers that bar them from appreciating all that is good and precious about, say, the followers of the Great and Loving Glob, or the believers in the All-Encompassing Goo. (Not to mention the Disciples of the Almighty Amoeba! They are the Anti-Ectoplasm itself!)

Now, let's say the greater part of the planetary population has discovered certain patterns of behaviour that are beneficial to all planetary beings, and certain patterns that detract from planetary good will and peace. But POSSE (see above) in its certainty of rightness and superiority, doesn't stick to the beneficial patterns, because it "has a mission from God to educate the world to follow God just like POSSE." This recruiting mindset precludes mutual respect, because there is such a heavy agenda in the way. The non POSSE member is, by definition "wrong," and won't be "right" until they become a member of POSSE too.

"Fundamentalist" is the popular name to call any religious individual or group who is so certain of its rightness that it is above the rules. Though the broader population may be doing its best to establish and live by broadly accepted group rules that promote peaceful co-existence, fundamentalists tend to forget the "Thou shalt not kill" part of these group rules, and the "Trust God to handle the salvation of the other" part as well. Fundamentalists don't see much point in peaceful co-existence with different religions, if their JOB, as they see it, is to obliterate all other faiths, because they are WRONG.

It is a puzzlement. The United Nations, though flawed, has as its goal mutual respect and peaceful co-existence. But many Fundamentalist Christians have decided that the United Nations is the Anti-Christ---I kid you not---which lets them decide they don't have to abide by UN rules. They are "above" them.

Sigh.

Fundamentalists tend to have a certain notion of entitlement. They are entitled to pick and choose which UN rules they'll stick by. And they are entitled, even obligated, to charge across other people's religious boundaries and trash their faith systems "to save them."

I see no way to have an open respectful dialogue with someone who is not open nor respectful.

What are we to do?
http://www.rk-world.org/peace/wcrp.html

Integrity and Trustworthiness

2006-05-14T09:21:00.000-04:00

I've been pondering the forces that push people toward integrity or support people in being divided.

By "integrity" I mean "an inner wholeness such that we are able to be fully true in any environment, and will not betray ourselves, our friends, or our beliefs." Our heart and mind are in unity. We walk undivided.

But by this sort of integrity, I don't mean "certain of our rightness." This integrity leaves space for the other to be whole in themselves too, even if their view is different.

I have always liked to think that I had that sort of integrity. But over time, I have observed how quick I have been to speak disrespectfully of certain others behind their backs. At the time I was doing it, I didn't even see it. I think it has been a raw "survival" technique. Primitive. Immature. Hurtful.

I have begun to choose consciously not to partake in this behaviour, and am appalled every time I realize I have done it again.
Sometimes I find myself in a group that begins speaking disrespectfully of someone or something I love, and I am speechless. I don't even have the awareness, the brains, or the courage to stand up for the thing or person I love in real time. It is like watching a friend being stoned, and yet being unable to stick my own neck out to help them. After the fact I feel ashamed of my immobility, ashamed of my unwillingness to step in and defend. Why can't I consistently stand up for my loved ones or my values?

We all know what the phrase "two-faced" means. I wonder if we don't all start out more or less "two-faced" and have to learn over time to have genuine integrity? I hope it is true that we are all in the process of learning how to be more loving and respectful.

I'm particularly wondering about any system that values ideology over humanity, or that encourages people to be so disconnected from their hearts that they will sacrifice their souls and sell out their children for the sake of the preserving the ideology. There are many religious systems that develope this tendency. Truth is NEVER more important than humankind. In fact, when it makes itself so, it ceases to be true in any way.

Yesterday, one of the channels was having a preliminary show for the Da Vinci Code movie. They were taking a look at the Opus Dei organization. A former member was discussing the psychological manipulation used to gain and hold onto members. She said that she was taught to see everyone as a possible recruit, and to befriend them, so long as the person was a possible convert to their faith. If a person was happy elsewhere, or was walking away, they were no longer worth any energy. They became meaningless and invisible. In this mindset, there is no real human or heart connection. There is no respect for the individuality of the other, or of the way God might be leading them. It is all about the rightness of the ideology (in this case, the Opus Dei sect) and about making its organization swell in numbers. There is no sense of loyalty to friends or family, because primary loyalty belongs to "the one true, right" belief system. The belief system is seen as the only true path to God. The belief system becomes the only God, because every other belief system is seen as wrong or false, never as an alternative path to God created BY God.

The heart can't but help to scream out at the injustice and inhumanity of this attitude. This mind-set produces a highly attractive and deeply manipulative hold on the psyche of the follower. At first it is very sweet. How wonderful it feels to have found the one most correct path to God! (How full of loving compassion I have felt, when I believed myself to be in the one true right organization, for my poor fellow humans who had not yet found what I had found. It felt really good. I was completely unable to see how arrogant and simplistic my faith was at that time.)
But with these groups over time, one is asked to sacrifice more and more for the group---sacrifice family time and means, sacrifice friends if they don't wholeheartedly come on board, even sacrifice your health by endless serving and self-neglect (which is called "being unselfish".) Give time, give money, give your whole self to the ORGANIZATION, because if you don't, you don't really love God....

When people from my childhood denomination have lived out in the world, and subsequently moved back to our "Mecca" in Pennsylvania, a common (and insulting) statement is, "It must be wonderful to be back, where you can have REAL friends." (Clearly, the friends one had "out in the world" were disposable and insignificant, because they weren't "in the church." They weren't "real.") This is believed with genuine sincerity and backed up with fervent explanations.

Emanuel Swedenborg has a big problem with "faith alone," and the group that raised me always pointed fingers at the reformed churches when they discussed how terrible faith alone is.

Now I'm wondering if "Ideology alone" might not be exactly what Swedenborg was objecting to.
Ideology over humanity. Doctrine, to the sacrifice of heart experience.

But we aren't supposed to place truth over love. The minute we do, it stops being truth.
Humanity matters. Christ illustrated that by taking it on and walking among us. "Stop rejecting your human part!" He says. "Look, I unite it with My Divine. I don't chop it off! YOU beat it up and kill it! I raise it back up."

The twelve-steppers say, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." To me that means, I will not hide or cover up or beat myself up for all my faults and stupid behaviours---they are part of who I am. I'm not proud of them, but I'm not ashamed either. (Well, I AM ashamed, but I try not to let it cripple my forward movement.) They are for learning from.

To me, that is connected to not chopping off our humanity, but letting it be gradually raised up towards something divine.

Swedenborg talks a lot about the marriage of good and truth, and how we are born with our heart and mind disconnected and must seek to have them be reconnected in a healthy way.

It seems as if some think this will happen by stifling, shaming, blaming, and banishing all uncomfortable feelings, and being "nice." Feelings are treated much the way girls are. They are to be pretty and ornamental, never angry or expressive. "Anger is from hell and is to be shunned."

But we remain blind, ignorant, and stuck until we learn to value and listen to our feelings. There is an immense richness of information in the simplest of feelings. If you stifle the ones that aren't pretty, you stifle them all. That's what depression is. If you don't believe me, there is an enormous amount of data about this in Psychology and in the field of study called Emotional Intelligence.

Others think that the union of love and wisdom happens if you contract a heterosexual marriage and stick to it. These people promote heterosexual marriage with tremendous energy, with hardly any attention to personal growth skills or personal integrity and development skills. I think this approach is missing the main point too. An external marriage won't ever substitute for an internal one, period. It is better to be externally single and internally united, than internally split no matter how externally married one might be, IMHO. (In My Honest Opinion).

Sigh.
And we are all internally split, most of the time. External marriage has all sorts of great things about it, but it isn't the path to salvation. Life is the path to salvation. Personal humility and integrity and reliance on a higher power are the paths to salvation. Kindness and compassion and a passionate investment in the common good are part of that path too.

For me, personal integrity returns when I remember love. It isn't about battling stupid thinking. It just keeps looking like it was stupid thinking that caused all my hurt, so my first impulse is to go slay the stupid, hurtful ideologies, or to chastise those who promote them. ("Hurtful and stupid" by MY definition. There I go, missing the point again.)

Battling about ideology always comes down to winning and losing. "Rightness" is the ultimate value. "Wrongness" is the greatest fear. I can love the person but hate the ideology. But when we disagree, especially in the church, it can be so hard to separate the ideas from the people who promote them.

Perhaps that is why I have been the target of so many personal attacks, and why I feel like I want to attack the people themselves who represent all the hurtful attitudes and practices to me. I keep swearing that I don't want to go there, and yet I keep waking up there. Again.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...."

How does one accept spiritual alcoholism and sexual abuse, because I don't seem able to stop it or change it?

How do I find integrity in such a mire? I refuse to stand for any abuse, but I don't want to hurt ANY people, even the abusers.

I believe the only truly trustworthy people are the people who truly know themselves, who understand the bulk of their feelings and motivations, and who exercise rational choices based on their best thinking AND intuition. The only truly trustworthy people respect the other as much as they respect themselves, no more, and no less.

Will I ever have that?

Thou shalt not commit publicity

2006-05-13T10:13:00.000-04:00

In Martha Beck's "Leaving the Saints," with her usual candor and humour, she expresses that one of the unspoken commandments of her faith of origin is "Thou shalt not commit publicity."

Thou shalt not ever say anything in any way that might reflect badly on THE CHURCH.

She comes from a different denomination, but the dynamic is the same for me. I am amazed at how deeply the fear and hesitation runs. Even if the church has abused me and hurt me and denies my pain and dismisses me and minimizes me, I have been afraid to ever, EVER actually mention this in public. No longer. Now I commit publicity.

Other women in the church who have confessed their deep pain and hurt and disillusionment, still have enormous hesitation in letting anyone outside the church know it or see it. We are deeply socialized to maintain the reputation of the church at all costs.

"After all, the General Church is the Lord's True New Church, isn't it?"
How could we ever criticize that? We might as well criticize God!
(Actually, God is much more forgiving. God is also not co-dependent, nor does He have financial interests that He values more than His children.)

Why are we so afraid to commit publicity?

I am not the first to observe that the dynamics of the alcoholic family runs true in every aspect of the General Church, all the way down to the "look good to the world at all costs," dynamic and the "keep the family secrets---especially the sexual abuse!" dynamic---we shame and blame and cut off the the ones who dare to try to break through the denial.

"That's not true any more!" some cry.
(Except for all the ways it still is, and is still hurting and wounding and dismissing and invalidating and minimizing....)

I have been getting slapped about for committing publicity. I am "personally disparaging" and "insulting" people. Shame on me.

Martha Beck's family of origin has published very rational sounding objections, which imply that she is sadly mistaken and mentally and emotionally unstable. (They are all card-carrying members of the Mormon faith. Actually listening to her means they would have to question the underlying dynamics, the pain and deep disfunction and fear and control that runs in their dear mother church. They simply can't do it. The only alternative is to make Martha wrong.)

She's my hero.

ow, ow, ow........

We are so horrible to each other. How do we bear it?

To the church

2006-05-06T09:46:00.000-04:00

When I was born, you were disappointed because I was not a boy.
That told me that boys are better than girls.

When I was growing up, you told me that boys can do whatever they want, but girls really should be wives and mothers---that a GOOD girl would want nothing else. You criticized and gossiped about the women who had jobs and careers, and questioned their femininity.
That told me that, as a girl, I had no real choice in my future, and was wrong to even want anything besides the role of wife and mother.

I wanted to be a good girl.

When puberty hit, I was feared and controlled and told to wear special clothes that show I am a girl---alluring, but not too alluring---and I was told that wanting to keep wearing pants because they are practical and comfortable is worldly and unfeminine.
That told me that my freedom was over. That I was special in a way I didn't want to be. I was to be ornamental, curbed, and feared for the rest of my fertile days.

If a girl was unattractive, she was criticized. If a girl was pretty, she was praised. If a girl was too pretty, she was feared and criticized.
That taught me that a girl's essential worth is in her appearance---and that I, too, should expect to be discussed and criticized and judged by the group like a piece of merchandise. It also reminded me to be afraid of my sexuality.

When our sister denomination started ordaining women, you shrieked and howled and mocked and laughed. You questioned their intelligence, their doctrine, their love for the Lord, and their ability to understand the Word.
That taught me to mock, howl, shriek, and laugh at different ideas. That taught me that only our denomination was right. It showed me that, if I ever agreed with the other denomination, I too would be mocked, reviled, and laughed at---that my intelligence, judgment and mental stability would be called into question.

In our denomination, only men are allowed to be ministers. Women are taught the doctrine, but are not ever to question it. Women are taught how to translate ancient texts, but are not allowed to officially translate, except as proofreaders, or when there are not enough men. When intelligent, educated women question the church positions, they are called "clever but undoctrinal."
That showed me that women's voices would never, ever be respected unless they say what the boys want to hear; that women will always be second class, and that even when the girls play by the boys' rules, the boys will dismiss and invalidate them anyway.

When the loving, respectful, women-honouring minister was taken from our congregation and replaced with a conservative, "Let's celebrate men's wisdom!" minister, I cried out in pain and anguish. When he took away our artistic, circular, inclusive contemporary service and insisted that everyone should be content to worship in the traditional manner, I watched the death of the only acceptable avenue of heart-ministry for me. When I told you I was suffering, and please, please, was there no way to allow our contemporary service to come back? you told me I was an essentially unhappy person who did nothing but complain, and really should get counseling.
I died.

You criticized me for dying.