It's my mommy, and I'll cry if I want to....

Wow. That was fast. For most of her life, when mom got an idea into her head, she was off like a jack-rabbit to act on it. It was part of the difficulty as she grew less and less able---she forgot to take things slowly. Then she'd fall. It was her last big fall that did it. She just couldn't bounce back from that one.

I don't know how much mom realized she was leaving. But she sure went quickly, when the time came! I had begun to pack to go see her when the call came. Dad and the two oldest siblings were with her. One moment she was there; the next, she was not.

So, we cry.

Grieving is such a personal thing. I don't think our culture is very comfortable with it. I've gotten a few, "Don't cry. She's happy now," messages, which puzzle me.

Crying is a normal, healthy response to loss. It just comes when it comes. And when it is done, it stops, and I get on with what I was doing.

"Don't cry," seems like such a strange thing to say. I find, "Awww. Yeah. Let it out..." much more helpful.

Don't remind me that she's happy now and free of pain. I know that. That very good thing doesn't cancel out or negate the loss. Both are true. I alternate between tremendous relief knowing that she is free, and big sobs of the shock of it all. no matter how much we wanted her free of pain, it means she is gone. Period.

My mommy is gone. There. Then not there. Poof. Just like that. It is a shock.

So I'll cry if I want to.


"Love and Gratitude"
by Shirley Holzer Jeffrey

The agony is so great...
And yet I will stand it.
Had I not loved so very much,
I would not have hurt so much.
But goodness knows I would not
Want to diminish that precious love
By one fraction of an ounce.
I will hurt.
And I will be grateful to the hurt,
For it bears witness to
The depth of our meaning
And for that, I will be
Eternally grateful.